Read This First
In October of 2010 Erin was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. This blog is to record what is going inside Erin's mind. We don't know what all that will entail... But we are hoping that keeping a record of it will help in some manner. We also hope that maybe, just maybe, that we'll heal from whatever issues that we have and come out victorious.
All personalities or identities within Erin are invited to write here; each entry will be marked with who is writing.
If you are a survivor yourself, there are no trigger warnings on the entries... Please be careful as you navigate this blog. If you are a significant other of someone with DID/MPD, our hope is that this blog may be of some use to you, but please remember that every person with DID is very unique and must be considered as their own case.
Thank you for visiting!
Friday, December 2, 2011
Friday, November 25, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
Morrigan came back a little over a week ago (I think) and Yomi actually came back yesterday. Only Sader is missing now and I don't know when NightFall has her return planned.
In any case, here's a picture of the birthday twins.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Back in August, Morrigan and Yomi were working on old, painful memories. However, the reason they were taken away was to protect them from some things that were coming. Guilt, one of Yomi's protectors, and Jihan, Morrigan's protector, both decided that some people in their lives were going to hurt Yomi and Morrigan too much, so they took them away. The idea was that Tommi, Bloomer, and Ellie would process the events first then would be able to help Yomi and Morrigan with the shock and pain of it all.
However, this triggered someone to wake up who had been dormant for quite some time. She did not have a name, but when Ellie asked for one, she named herself "NightFall." NightFall is part of our subconscious who was given a direct order from Horsie all those years ago to keep our memories, pain, and fears of the man at the playground secret at all costs. Her name comes from the fact that she can only do her job when night falls.
Realizing that memories from the past had been uncovered and would continue to be uncovered, NightFall thought up a plan to reset everyone's memories back to when we did not know about our diagnosis, which involved placing people back in the world of Alter or into a deep slumber. This would have been a flawless plan, except NightFall underestimated the support system we have built and the strength Ellie has within herself.
NightFall took Yomi and Morrigan from Guilt and Jihan and placed them in something I can only describe as a transparent, purple bubble. It caused them to go to sleep. Then, to take care of Sader and Tommi, NightFall scared Sader to lure Tommi into the Black Room and she placed them both in Bubbles. She joined forces with Chaos, who was trying to throw everyone into disorder, and she convinced him to try to keep Ellie out of the Black Room to keep her in the dark about what was going on.
But Ellie kept hearing the thoughts of those within the bubbles. She kept feeling flashes of peoples' feelings or seeing flashes of images of the Black Room, and she drew them. NightFall kept needing to come out here so she could do things more efficiently, and Ellie noticed and remembered even though NightFall would try to make her forget. Finally, Ellie started feeling like something awful was about to happen, and she told our therapist, who took her very seriously.
Our therapist, Cris, did the one thing that changed everything: she got Ellie to understand her authority within the system. Ellie is the only direct split from the Original Erin. This means that she has the most power (in authoritative terms) over everyone inside, especially over a part of the subconscious that is not a full personality. With this knowledge in hand, Ellie ordered NightFall to speak with Cris even though it was daytime and then ordered NightFall to assist Cris with our efforts to heal ourselves.
The first goal NightFall was given was to bring Tommi back before Halloween, which was done. The next goal is to bring Morrigan back before her birthday, November 18th, and Yomi back before Thanksgiving, November 24th. So far, NightFall has been compliant, though reluctantly. However, she can not disobey the order from Ellie, so she will do it.
I took Ginko and Rachel away because I felt disorder and chaos coming and I did not want them caught up in the middle of it all. They are safely hidden and will come back when it is safe for them, which should be after Morrigan and Yomi come back. When I felt the shift from disorder to order, I came back to find out what was happening. Since then, I have made an agreement with Cris to assist her as well by keeping track of how everyone is doing and letting her know.
We are still unsure as to the whereabouts of Bloomer, though Guilt told Cris that he was taken in order for Chaos to release Sader from her slumber. This does not make much sense to me, but hopefully in time we will be able to make sense of it and bring him back as well. However, our priority is bringing Morrigan and Yomi.
I believe this is all for now. We will try to keep updating as things happen, but sometimes it is hard to remember.
-- Sierra Lime
What I remember is very confusing as it is two lines of memory that seemed to have happened at the exact same time. I am used to living two completely different lives, but the time frames never overlapped. I was either in the world called Alter or out here in Reality doing my job. I never have had those two lives happen simultaneously. That's the part that is most confusing to me.
The first line of memory that I have is very simple and straight-forward. I was a foster kid at Sierra Lime's house and she needed to go on trip for an unknown period of time. Instead of placing me with another foster home, Morrigan agreed to let me stay with her in her apartment. It was summer time, so I didn't have school, though Morrigan did. She was really busy with her culinary arts program and her job at a diner. We didn't see each other very often and when we did it was to go shopping for food and stuff. It was easy. It was so much better than any other home I've lived in, including Sierra's house. Don't get me wrong, I love Sierra and everything she's done for me, but she is never around. So the fact that Morrigan and I went shopping together was a big deal for both of us. I had been living with her for a few months and school was about to start up again, which I was dreading with every fiber of my being.
The second line of memory is stuff that the blog is about. Having DID. Being a boy stuck in a girl's body. Going to therapy. Meeting Yomi, finally. Sader coming. Yomi and Morrigan leaving. Sader calling me for help. Waking up here again.
Ellie and Sierra and NightFall (who will be explained here soon) tell me that I remember all but a few of the really important events. Details are a bit fuzzy, but the more I try to remember, the more they come back to me.
Now that I think about it, I'm going to let Sierra explain what happened, because I don't know how to even begin.
In any case, I'm back. But I'm not exactly thrilled about it.
Friday, October 14, 2011
I wakd up the next mornin an they still was not back so I teld my mommy wat happined. She helpd me tell Tommi's teachers that we was not goin to school cuz we was sick. We do hav a cold but sayin we is sik is the easist way to explan wat is happinin. I hav been spendin tim with my frinds who kno bout everyone inside. I makd cookies yestrday an I wentd to Cowboy Church with my frinds. Cowboy Church is a church that has servic in a cow barn an they sing contry type church songs.
Ims goin to a nother frinds house tomorrow. She has lotsa anmals lik horses an chickens an dogs. She has DID too an i somtims play with her little one inside.
Peple keep sayin that Ims verry brav. But i keep tellin peple it is no verry hard wens I hav frinds an famly who knos wat is happinin an can helps me. The hard part is that Ims verry sad an lonly.
I wentd lookin for peple inside yestrday an I finded Rachel an Anguish. Iv been takin care of Rachel, changin her diapars an feedin her. Anguish can no coms out here cuz it would hurt too muchs. So ims the only one who can be outs here for now. I hope older peple com back afore monday cuz we hav school. I can no driv. I can no go to school. I would be so many afraids an skards. Our T says that she knos its gon to be kay ventually. An I kno that is true, but ims still so sad. I am no angry at Tommi an Sadr, but Ims sad that everbody is missin.
I can feels somthin happinin inside but I can no see it. It maks me tird. I relly wonderin wat it is an i wishes that they would be don soon so they can coms bak.
Befors Tommi an Sader leved, we hads som verry verry hapy news! Two thursdays ago my mommy an my daddy meetd with our T an they all talks bout how to helps all us inside bettr. Tommi askd them if we could jus not hide no more an they saids yes. So since the day aftr my birthday, October 6, we officially do not hide.
My mommmy buyed me coloring books an her an Tommi gotted books from the Libry for me to reads. An my mommy an daddy plays with me wen Ims out an tells me they lov me. I get to ackt lik me insted of tryin to ackt oldr. It maks me so verry verry hapy. It maks things easir for usns inside.
Then we startd to relax. I tolds my mommy that i get skards wen we start to relax cuz it means somthin bad is bout to happin inside... an then a few days latr Tommi an Sader go missin. I jus lookd at my mommy an I said, See, this is wat happins wen we relax. She jus tolds me that we gon to have to relax somtim evin if it means bad thins gon to happin cuz ventually bad things will stop happinin. Ims tryin to belive her cuz I knos my mommy dos not lie to me.
that is alls for now. I wills mak sure to tells the blog wen peple com bak.
-- Little Ellie Erin
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
this birthday was muchs better than my las one. Wens I stay with Blissy, things were no so nice lik it is now. I know we do no think it is verry nice rigt now cuz of wat all is goin on, but it is still better than wat i used to hav.
today I havs a mommy that lovs me. A daddy that lovs me. My oldest sistr nos I'm in here an she lovs me. I have FRINDS! I hav manys. I do no talks bout them much here cuz i do not no if they is kay with bein on the blog. But I have many frinds who lov me an ask bouts me all the tim. They play with me an we bake cinimimamin rolls an let me eat brown suger. heehee. I hav a frind who is 4 an we color tgether. I hav frinds who is older than Yomi and they play with me too! We playd the game Sorry! las week. I no remembry who winned but it no matter cuz we was havin fun an laffin an smilin an everythin. I liks my lif how it is rigt now.
The way it usd to be with Blissy was no so nice as now. I hads to clean alls the time. No rest. I havs to hear Blissy tells me why Ims such a bad little girl an how everythin was my fault. It was no Riginal Erins fault, it was all mines. She tolds me I was a little demon child who made Riginal Erin go way. So on my birthday she would spank me an tells me I shuld never hav been borns. I kno now that a lots of wat Blissy teached me is verry wrong. Ims still learnin wat is rigt tho. I learnin that it is kay if I needs to take a nap, evin if ims needin to nap out here. It is kay for me to be outs. Ims learnin that Blissy was a mean grown up grouch an i don wan to be like her. Ims wanna be lik me.
I wan to learn to be jus a littl girl gans. Ive forgetted how to play with toy horsies an i needs to learn how gans. I lov to color. I lov to draw. I wan to learn no to be fraids of swings so I can go play on playgrounds gan too. I wan to learn that nobody is gon to hurt me like i hav been hurtd no mor. I wan to learn how to be carful with my heart so I only givs it to peple who will be good to it. I wan to learn how to help peple without gettin hurt. I wan to learn how to do all many things but mos of all I wan to learn to be Little Ellie Erin an nobody else.
Thats wat I wan to do.
-- Little Ellie Erin
Monday, October 3, 2011
You can find us by following this link or by searching for "Morrigan Portalis" (we're using her email address, so it comes up as her name).
I'm excited to meet people as us and to interact on a social networking site without having to hide from all of Yomi's friends who don't know.
Friday, September 30, 2011
-- little "Ellie" Erin
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Blissy: The "Perfect" One
Nere is an enigma. He/she is both male and female at the same time, which gives him (for the sake of using simple pronouns) a very androgynous look. When I first met Nere back when I first showed up, he would keep a ragged blanket around him like a cloak and would often keep his face covered. After a while, he relaxed around everyone and allowed his face to show.
Stenno hasn't been around for very long. He maybe came a week or so before Yomi and Morrigan left. We all knew he was coming, but we didn't know who he was. When he finally showed up in the Black Room, he seemed very sad and mournful (I would compare him to a human Eeyore). Morrigan was afraid that he would try to hurt himself, so she kept him in the White Room to keep tabs on him.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
The "About Erin" page has some new information, as well as a modified family tree to include Sader. There are also new pictures in the "Internal Family" album. I hope to have hand-drawn pictures of each of us eventually. That's a project that Yomi started and I don't know when it will be finished.
The Guest Book. I can't believe we haven't done this already. That's a place for comments about the blog in general or even just to say Hi. The only thing we ask is that whatever you write, be considerate.
I'm a little behind on some of the bios, but I hope to get on that soon. Some people or groups, ex: Blissy or Nere, we don't have a lot of information on yet. But I'll try to get onto writing some up about Sader, Sierra Lime, and Yomi Kitty. I think everyone else doesn't have a lot of information to actually write about.
A timeline! Yeah, I just thought of that myself. This will put major events in an easy to read format so you don't have to go flipping through the entire blog to figure out how it all happened. I think I'm just trying to generate work for myself, to be honest, but at least it's helpful.
Also, this is a great place for suggesting what you would like to know more about. It's is also a great place for suggesting new features or informational sections.
To everyone across the world who has been reading, I want to thank you on behalf of everyone inside. Seeing page-view numbers encourages us that someone out there is hearing what we have to say, and, to some of us, being heard is all we want. Thank you Skynes and Anonymous (yeah, I know who you are, but I don't know what else to call you right now), your comments, suggestions, and encouragements have been heard. It makes my day to see that we have a new comment.
Page-views to date. It's not even a year since this blog was started by Yomi Kitty and we already have nearly 2,000 page views! We have people from the USA, UK, Denmark, Germany, and Canada reading (those are only the top five countries). And here's some random information, 59% of the page-views were with the browser Mozilla Firefox. Anyway, thank you everyone!
That's it for now,
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Deserted us. Abandoned us.
Sader... gone inside.
Overwhelming. Have to leave us.
Avye's family... gone.
Rejecting us. It is certain.
It's like everyone I care about. Everyone I love. Every single person I have ever cared about, they're abandoning me. I looked up to Morrigan back when I lived in Alter. She was the strong one; Sierra's success. I love Yomi with everything inside me. All that I am is to protect and love her. Sierra was my savior; she found me and rescued me from a horrible home. I owe her so much for saving me. The three of them abandoned us kids with what seems to be no qualms and no backwards glancing.
If I ever had a little brother, it would be Bloomer. He's a smart little nine year old, but he's my little buddy. He left, and Sader came. She was so unexpected, but I thought maybe if she got strong enough that she could be the Main. Maybe she could help us. But then a voice came to her and she couldn't handle it... so she ran inside... she's not gone, but she's abandoned trying to help me.
And now... people who didn't have to make any promises to me. People who didn't have to care. People who didn't have to do anything but they chose to promise me that they'd stick around forever. Nickie promised everyone in my family that she was going to stick with us no matter what. I told everyone, don't trust, she's going to fail us, she's going to hurt us... But I let myself be convinced that maybe she's different somehow... I let my walls down a little and gave her a bit of my trust. And that trust got thrown in my face. Manipulator. Liar. That's what my best tries have become. Those are the accusations against me. Try explaining to a 6 year old why someone who has made these promises is not around anymore and won't be ever again. Then I thought, hey lets make this night complete, let me find out how badly I've screwed it up with my best friend's family. And they're left us too... I was doing my job. I was protecting Sader. I was doing my best. I didn't know what more I could be doing... and what is my reward? Pain. Hurt. Betrayal... I don't understand it.
I ask what Little Erin asks: Why have you left me? What happened? What have I done? I'm sorry...
One by one, the leaves fall from the tree branches and crinkle underfoot as I walk toward the bluff. Looking to the sky, I see the storm coming, the violent Autumn storm. It will be here within hours, yet I do not move to prepare my home. This storm is well-known for it's destructive power, yet I cannot convince myself to make things ready. It is as though the darkening clouds and raging winds have taken me captive and movement is utterly forbidden.
A cry rises up from my home far behind me. It is a frightened child, my child, and she too senses the coming storm. It has been just her and I for so long now. I long for contact with others, preferably older and maybe wiser than I. But in this deserted place, it is only our two souls against this storm. My child's cry rises again releasing me from captivity.
The wind hurls itself at my body, raging against my freedom. I hurry inside to secure the windows and doors. My child looks mournfully up at me as to say, "I thought you had left me as the others have." once again I am a captive, but now it is to her soundless words. I pick her up to hold her fragile body against my own tryig not to make any promises; for they are trecherous and unreliable.
We do not know why the others in our family left us so long ago. They left behind their memories and fear, inadvertently demanding us to take their places; remembering and fearing in their stead. In this way, the two of us have become burdened, making it even harder to stay in this lonesome home as we ought. What memories and fears have they left behind? We do not understand them, otherwise we would know why they left. But this storm grows closer, and the wind batters at this home seeking it's inhabitants. We can feel it coming... It is upon us.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Last Saturday (Sept 3rd), there was a commotion inside the White Room. I didn't really know what happened until it was over. There was arguing, then Bloomer went missing, then a formless person (I think it was Chaos) was here with a new girl. More arguing, then Little Erin was inside and the new girl was outside. She looks like the body did when Erin was 18.
Come to find out, this new girl is the other half of Yomi that no one knew about, except our counselor. Yomi kept saying she could only remember 6 month spans very clearly and then 6 months it would be a bit hazy. This girl says the same, but the 6 months she remembers distinctly seem to be the spans that Yomi is fuzzy on. Our counselor says this is a pretty big breakthrough because it means our life situation has gotten so safe, this girl could finally come out of hiding like she has been for 3 years.
On my birthday, April 12th, in 2008, Yomi and this girl were outright rejected by the person they were obsessively in love with. This girl couldn't handle it, so she went to sleep and let Yoni take care of it... Like she had done whenever things got hard or negative.
So now she is back, after 3 years of being asleep. She has to deal with everything being different. The room and house she woke up in. Her family lives a completely different lifestyle. Her family is more open and honest about what's going on. They eat much healthier. They live in a different town. She's in college now. Technology is much different.
As knowing too much about everything inside overwhelms her, she has not read our blog or our journal or anything. Switching terrifies her, which is why I had to wait til she as asleep and I managed to stay awake. Her grasp on this reality is so loose; it's a struggle to keep her here some days.
As I type this, she is beginning to wake up, so I need to go. I do not know when the next post will be or when I can respond to comments. I will try, but I simply don't know when.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
On an abuse website we are all on, I have begun to tell my story of my life in Alter... I thought it'd be a cakewalk. I thought that life didn't effect me anymore. I thought it would exorcise my memories and leave me cleaner....
But it's haunting me. Every time I write, I feel their hands, their claws, their teeth. I feel things digging into my fur. I see them coming for me. I hear their breath in my ears. They follow me. They hunt me. I just want them gone forever but they keep coming back. I thought remembering would relieve this. I thought remembering would help. But right now, in this moment, completely forgetting about my life there sounds really good.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
ones of them halps me find the music man namd Nobuo Uematsu. i lovs him verry much. he maks songs that my heart sings. one song in particular is exactly wat my heart be signing rigt now.
FFIX(9) Freya's Theme/Gizmaluke's Grotto Theme -- Orchestral.
I don no who freya is but this is zactly wat my heart be sayin rigt now. i lovs this music verry verry muchs.
this song sounds lik it is cryin cuz somethin verry sad jus happind but at sam tim it is verry brave sound. this song still has hope. this song says it not ovr yet. cry today. be sad today but don forget that we wills push on till we finds the good.
-- Little Erin
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
ims little erin. i don rigt here verry muchs but ims out lots tooo. i lovs the color blue an pink. tommi byed me a pink shirt yestrday an it makd me verry hapy. there no be verry many hapy insid rigt now but we doin kay. the storm angwish is verry stron somtims an no so stron other tims. we thinks angwish was don bein stormy this mornin, but shes bak to stormin gains. I keeps wonderin wen she gon get tird? wens she gon go sleps? I wondr ifs morrigan an yomi can com bak wens angwish stop bein stormy. i hop thas soon.
anway i gots to go eat supper now. i jus wants to say hiii.
-- Little Erin
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Some good news though, Little Erin managed to find a tunnel between the Room of Requirement and the White Room, so now her, Bloomer, and I are all together. Morale is definitely a bit up from gloomy because of that. Bloomer and Little Erin are very good friends; it was hard on them the way it was.
I'm starting to have theories about what the storm is or, more accurately, who is causing the storm. I have a really good feeling that it is the pre-personality/fragment named Anguish causing it. I feel like I ought to talk to her, but I'm worried that she'll be too strong for me, take over, and run somewhere... Like, run away from the parent's house and be out on her own... Of all the things to happen, that is not one of them. So I'm not going to talk to her for now.
I have a strong gut feeling that Morrigan is in Alter. I don't know where she is or why she went there. I also think that's where Sierra took the girls. I mean, this is just me making conjecture... But it sounds right to me.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
The Black Room is in a state of chaos. It's like there's a storm out there. I look out the window to the Black Room and all I see is darkness. The Circle of Light cannot be seen; it's as though the light has disappeared. There is a strong howling wind. I cannot open the door; I think it's locked.
Little Erin is locked inside the Room of Requirement. That room is designed to keep everyone inside safe. If there is something dangerous in the Black Room, it automatically locks until the danger is gone. It will not allow people inside if they have dangerous intentions either. Thank god Little Erin's walky talky still works; it may be static-y now, but at least I can talk to her.
She told me that Sierra took Ginko and Rachel away for a while and to not tell anyone until people noticed something had gone wrong. She told me that Morrigan left sometime after Yomi remembered the original attack at the playground last Wednesday. Opal has been gone for some time now; she went back to the Figurine Room. Marie-Shiloh has been gone for a while too. We don't know where she went.
It's terrifying. I may be Yomi's protector and the temporary main protector and I may be doing my best, but I'm still only 13 years old. I might have lived more than 13 years, but I am a 13 year old. I am so young trying to take care of a 9 and a 6 year old while living out a 21 year old's life. I know it hasn't been that long since Yomi has gone (she left early this morning)... but I'm worried she won't be back for a while. I'm worried that I'll be the temporary main protector as well as the temporary main... I've been out for nearly 4 days straight and I'm already tiring.
On top of all this, because of some life stuff and Yomi remembering the original attack, the fragment named Anguish is becoming more and more of a full personality. I didn't know about this until a day or so ago... Yomi is still splitting. I thought we were done with that. All of us thought we were done with that. But Yomi is splitting and it's very not good.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Some of the humorous things are arguements about what kinds of underwear we wear, discussions on wether we should dress like a boy or dress like a girl, and the difference between our voices inside and outside. Now, I don't presume to speak for all male alters in female bodies, but I do speak for me and Bloomer, the two boys that are out most often.
Bloomer and I were very excited about a week or more ago because Yomi was finally able to buy us boxers. I find tighty whities to be very uncomfortable, so girl underwear has been a pain. It's amazing how much more comfortable in this body I am with the righ kinds of clothes. I know Bloomer feels the same as we've discussed it. Now with this added variety of underwear comes rules you'd never expect to have to have. Yomi and Little Erin find boxers very uncomfortable, so they dnt want to wear them when they're outside. However, we can't be changing clothing all the time, so we had came up with a compromise between the four of us. The basic gist of it is that whoever gets dressed gets to pick what we wear and no one can change it without good reason (situational appropriateness and so forth). It's working out pretty good so far.
Now, the decision to dress like a boy or a girl is also the topic of many discussions inside. I will dress either way, depending on what is going on that day. I enjoy doing make up and clothes stuff for girls so it doesn't bother me to dress the body that way. In fact, I've dressed the body for Yomi on ocassion because she knows I like to. Bloomer almost always dresses as much like a boy as he can. However the jeans Yomi has are all definitely girl jeans, so it's more difficult than it sounds. But him and I get over that and just wear t-shirts and jeans usually.
Dressing like a boy crosses over into the not so fun discussion because, well, to be frank, girls have breasts and boys do not. Bloomer and I are constantly aware that we are not in our own body because of this problem and I know it makes me uncomfortable realizing they're there. A pretty good fix Bloomer and I have come up with is layering shirts over a camisol and "wife beater" tank top. That works for now, but a better solution will have to be found. I've done some researching at Female-to-Male transgender sites and they recommend binding the chest with ace bandages. Maybe one day... That'd be nice.
Another entertaining problem is the difference of our voices inside and outside. Yes, Bloomer and I are pretty young still, so we don't have deep voices inside, but my voice is higher out here... Much more than I like. I end up sounding a lot like Yomi and that bothers me too, but our pattern of speech is different, so that helps I suppose.
The least fun topic, on which I will only speak very briefly, is "that time of the month." Honestly, I just try not to be out here when that's going on. It's gross and I don't want to deal with it. Us boys and Little Erin are super grossed out, so we let Yomi and Morrigan deal with it.
I think one other frustrating thing about being a boy in a girl's body is that I think people would have a hard time remembering that I'm me, I'm a young boy... With Little Erin, people only have to remember that she's 6. With me and Bloomer, a person has to keep our age and gender in mind, which is hard when we physically look like a girl. I'm not solid on this theory, but I'm sure it's sound. I haven't any friends out here, so I don't know who I would ask about it.
That's all for right now.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Anyway, she's been reflecting on events that happened back then and it's pulling up memories for me too. I keep remembering things about the man at the playground. I don't remember how many times he came and hurt Erin and Little Erin, but I remember that, at some point, Horsie and I stopped fighting. We realized that we couldn't touch him. If Erin or Little Erin decided to go to the playground and he showed up... There was absolutely nothing we could do...
I remember looking across the man and Little Erin at Horsie; her face was so defeated and hopeless. I remember doing the only thing I knew I could do while the man was there... I licked Little Erin's face, trying to clean her tears, trying to give what small comfort I had to offer... I was trying to say, "I'm sorry, little one. I'm sorry we can't do anything, but at least I am here for you; I will not leave your side."
And now I feel such inexpressible sorrow... There is no blame attached to it... but it is deep and it is a piercing ache in a place that feels deeper than my heart. I don't know what that means exactly, but maybe it is my very soul that mourns for two little girls who were used in absolutely horrible ways. I have a distinct feeling that I will have to relive each memory... I wish I did not. I wish I could bury it in the far reaches of our mind forever. But I know that if I did that, my family and I would not heal the way we should. I will never be able to sit with Erin and Little Erin and Morrigan and cry together about a shared horror.
Back in January and February, Little Erin was so insistent that it was highly important that I remember what happened in our Life Before. She shared with me her memory in hopes that I might remember my own role in the story and be able to sit with her in understanding. Like the thick-headed person I am, I thought this was a memory of me being used by this man. Yes, the point of view made it look that way, but it was Little Erin's memory, why would it be from a different point of view? After a while, I shoved this memory away from me as much as I could and it pained me to talk to Little Erin. Oh, how I wish I could take back some of what I said and did then.
I think I understand Little Erin's insistence now. She needed someone to sit and cry with her, but no one understood her tears. I do now. I know what happened back then. I know my part of the story. And, miracle of miracles, I don't blame myself for not being able to stop it. The memory of what happened is still so very painful, but at least for now, for today, I understand that it wasn't my fault that I couldn't stop it.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
But she got me reflecting on what happened to cause Erin's original splits... When Erin was only 6 years old, Yomi and I lived outside the body and supported Erin as "imaginary friends"... We were her helpers, her protectors... But imaginary friends are no help against a solid man. When he attacked Erin... I couldn't do anything. My hardest efforts didn't even effect the man. I litterally couldn't touch him...
I know this, so why 15 years later... Why do I feel there was something more I could have done? Why is my heart so heavy? I know it wasn't my fault but why do I feel so helpless whenever I think back? I don't remember much, but what I do remember... It drags my heart down.
I have never felt this way before. I have never felt so burdened with sadness. I have no energy. I feel helpless. I feel as though I've lost myself. I sit here curled up in a blanket and wish I didn't have things that I had to do. But I get up and do them...
When I am inside... I do my job, but otherwise I sleep. We all sleep. We are all exhausted. I feel like we are weakening.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
I was asked, "What pit are you stuck in?"
Setting aside my obvious thought about the Pit and the Tombs, I started thinking about all the things that have been really irking me this past half week. I was given the homework by our therapist to find out things I liked doing, what interests I had. Yomi and I decided that I would be the Main alter for the week and Yomi would go inside and rest.
I never knew how much Yomi actually does. She has so many responsibilities to her outside family: chores, finding a job, being with the family, being with friends, going to church. And then there's everything she does for the inside family: planning times when certain people can come out when it's safe for them, looking for items we would like, keeping everyone entertained, taking care of our body, splitting her life in two for us. She does so much more than I thought.
I thought Yomi was weak because she didn't do certain things that I thought she should, but she has so much on her plate that she just couldn't get there...
What pit are you stuck in?
I have written before how I am a Warrior come home from the battle. I have been dealing with waiting for bad things to happen but they don't ever happen... It's frightening... But that's not my pit.
What pit am I stuck in? In this process of learning, of going from surviving to living, I have gone from knowing exactly what I am doing to constantly second guessing myself. I feel inadequate, unable to do my job... And yet... It feels like my job has been taken away. I am the Protector, but there is nothing to protect from. It seems like there are all these unspoken things that I must do that I just can't get done.
I must be a good friend. I know I have a lot to learn... but within the last month or so I have let my best friends down so badly. I hardly know how to connect with them... Before it was simple because there were obvious needs on both sides... But now, I am so clueless.
I must be a good protector. I don't know what to protect against. There is nothing painful outside to protect from. Yet I am a protector...
I must help Yomi. She is so horribly tired. She has done so much for so long. She has so much to learn herself... And as Co-main I feel I must help her. Organize. Remember the little important things. Help keep track of everyone inside. But at the same time, I hardly know how to do that.
On top of that, the responsibilities I have for only this week... I feel so far behind. So lacking. Not enough. And if I'm being completely honest with myself... I feel like I have failed somehow. I can't identify who I have failed or how... But that feeling is still there.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
I have a whole history inside Alter. Thirteen miserable years worth. I lived in several foster homes after my biological father tried to brutally kill me. I have been beaten, cut, sliced, skinned, trained, abused, and other equally and worse horrible things. Yet she did not know of her involvement until the second of my two birthdays. At the same time, I have diligently held onto and protected Yomi's heart. I have been her outlet for her self-hate. I held the hate so she would no longer be consumed by it. I have had two distinct lives that I have lived simultaneously: one in Alter, one in Reality. Reflecting this are my dual birthdays: April 12th and June 14th. The later birthday is when my life in Alter began and the former is when Yomi created me.
That is my role, my purpose, the reason for my very existence. I am much more than my purpose. I am no mere fragment; I am fully fleshed out and I am going no where.
I feel I always have a hard time describing myself. To those who know me, please point out any error of description on my part.
First and foremost, I am a Beagle Anthro. I am very proud of my Canine roots as I am a pure bred Beagle. My lineage can be traced back 10 generations; I am no mutt. My hide bears testament to my harsh life; it's full of scars. For a thirteen year old, I am compact and athletically built. My eyes are grey-blue like Yomi's, as are many of us who come from her (the major exception being Guilt). As to fashion, I tend to go for stylish comfort. i can often be seen sporting correct-fitting jeans, loose-fitting shirt with button-up over shirt (usually black with interesting details), skater shoes, and a wicked cool hat. I've been known to have a pocket watch (on a fob) or other oddly "archaic" items. I enjoy fashion, make up, cosmetology (yes, hair, not stars), and all those things entail. Yes, I am straight; no jokes, please, they are not appreciated. In Alter, it was my hope to go to cosmetology school and become a hair dresser or make up artist. I still have this hope while out here, but instead of a career, it would be more of a hobby.
If you have the chance (fortunate or unfortunate, you decide) to meet me, be prepared for biting sarcasm and blitzing wit. I am a fierce debator. Do not argue with me unless you want a fight. For that matter, do not cross Yomi, Avye, Cyanea, Liesl or anyone else in their family unless you are prepared for an unmerciful verbal attack of such magnitude that you will not know what hit you. I defend my people with every part of my small framed body. Do. Not. Cross. Me. Other than that, I'm usually easy-going. I enjoy talking to people and discussing ideas. i feel this sums me up well enough.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Last you, readers, heard, all of us were having problems with Chaos & Justice and this idea of security clearance on what some people could or could not know. There were so many secrets, most of which were being kept from Yomi. I did not know why, until a break though happened.
Little Erin had left for the Pit and the Tombs and had returned with Erin, the original girl we had been protecting all these years. This freaked out Yomi very, very badly. Yomi wanted nothing to do with Erin, period.
Then, Yomi talked to my good friend, Avye (name changed to protect identity. Prounounced: Ev-eh. She is part of another DID family like Yomi and all of us). They talked about the original girl coming and how Avye had to deal with that off and on for years. Yomi was listening to all sorts of video game music during this, I do not know why, but between talking to Avye and listening to the lyrics of a favorite song, Yomi finally understood a few things.
The song "Melodies of Life" from Final Fantasy 9 has always been a favorite of Yomi's ever since she heard it back in middle school. She never knew why she connected so well with it, but this night she did. "Melodies of Life" is the name of the song.
Anyway, this got Yomi to remembering what we have been calling "the life before". This would be the years when the body was from 0-11 years old. The years Yomi could not rightly remember. A basic plot of what happened is as follows:
When Erin was born, she had a medical condition that required a lot of hospital visits and and lab work. As you can imagine, this terrified a tiny little girl, so she made two imaginary friends to help her: Kitty, who later became Yomi, and Horsie, who later became Morrigan. Kitty taught Erin everything she needed to know about playing or anything in school that Erin did not understand. Kitty was the Teacher. My role as Horsie (oh how I do not like that name) was to protect Erin from the pain and fear that surrounded her. This was often at the hospital, but sometimes it was other places. She was often afraid of the family cat. We would not take over for her, but she saw us outside herself and drew comfort or knowledge from us.
Then the summer Erin was 6 years old, the man at the playground attacked her. She was not supposed to be there, but Erin was often doing things that her parents didn't want her to do when she thought she could get away with it. He told her that no one would believe her if she said something about the attack and that she needed to be at the playground when he came for her. He came several more times, we are not sure how many times before Erin just couldn't take it anymore. This is when Erin split into Little Erin.
The attacks by this man at the playground kept happening. Kitty and I tried to stop it, but we were only "invisible friends" what could we do? We bit, scratched, bucked, stomped, but nothing touched him. Eventually, Little Erin couldn't take it either, and another split happened.
Then the outside family all moved overseas, away from the man, away from the abuse. Kitty and I began teaching this new girl (Marie) how to be like Erin and Little Erin so that no one notices something happened. At some point we started calling her "Marine" because Kitty convinced the girl that going into the Young Marines would make her tough enough to pretend to be Erin. The problem was that Erin was out-going, loud, spontaneous, joyful. Marine was shy, introspective, timid. It hurt her to try to pretend to be Erin; it hurt her slowly and badly. It wore away at her and eventually she could not handle it and she split within herself. This is when Shiloh came and took her inside to protect her. He hid them both deeply. This was when Marine's name changed to "Marie."
This left the body with no one controlling it, which is a dangerous position to be in. Somehow, Kitty was pulled inside and she became the new girl who had to pretend to be Erin. This happened about the same time that the outside family moved back to the United States.
Kitty managed the pretending for a while, but then she decided that she didn't want to remember the man at the playground or anything associated with what happened. So she pulled me, Horsie, inside as well and placed me into an internal world that she created. Then she suppressed all the bad memories, keeping just enough of the good memories to be able to pretend like she was Erin.
In order to keep herself from remembering what happened, she set up a system of security clearances and made Chaos & Justice to maintain it. Whenever she began remembering something, Chaos & Justice would take the memories away from her again. However, Kitty gave herself one way to remember what happened, which was to answer a series of questions to grant herself higher security clearance. The question for the highest security clearance was "Who is the Government?" If or when she finally answered that question, the system she created would fall away and she would begin to remember what really happened. When Yomi was triggered by "Melodies of Life" and she remembered the "life before," she knew who the Government was: Herself. This is when we stopped having issues with Chaos & Justice and the security clearance.
While this system was still in place, Kitty (whose name eventually changed to Yomi)continued to develop the internal world (called "Alter"). Yomi also began to split within herself as she was unable to handle the emotions that comes with living life every day. She made six others to handle her self-hate, joy, love, pain, fear, sexual desire. She made a seventh when she became overwhelmed by schoolwork.
While I was in Alter, the life Yomi gave me was too harsh and so I split also. Jihan and Logan both came from me. Jihan was my Protector (in a very twisted way) and Logan was the one who taught me how beautiful life can be. Logan integrated back into me a while ago, but I can still feel him within me; he is not completely gone.
At the beginning, I said I was surprised how important Tommi is to Yomi, this is why. Tommi originally began as just the one to hold onto Yomi's self-hate and self-anger and the things related to those. The life that Yomi gave him was horrible and tragic. However, the two of them have gotten very close. Tommi has begun learning to support Yomi when she is going through things that she would normally give to someone else. It is very hard to describe their relationship in ways that would not seem sentimental. Neither of them are sentimental toward one another but they are quite fierce about each other. Tommi would do literally anything to protect Yomi's heart and Yomi listens and respects Tommi as one of her best friends. I do not think she realizes how close of friends they truly are. Tommi is slowly becoming another co-main, I believe, time will tell...
This is our life's history. We are survivors.
Friday, July 1, 2011
When Yomi began College, she stuck me into Alter and I started life over. She gave me a good home with a scientist who loved me. He died of a heart attack, but it was due to his bad diet and not Yomi's unintentional orchestration. That's how I ended up in Sierra's orphanage. That's when I found my two counterparts: Ginko and Rachel. I love my Rachel dearly. I love Ginko too, but she's a handful. In a 2-3 year time frame, I lived 9 years. I do not know if I will continue aging, but I am happy being 9 years old. Before Yomi exiled me to Alter, I was ageless and I did not care for it much. Somehow in the transfer to Alter, I began holding some of Yomi's happiness and joy; I do not know why.
Now, I am a red tabby Neko boy. I am not full Anthro or full Human. I have a human body with cat ears, tail, and whiskers. I have come to find that my tail looks much like one of the family cat's tail. I do not know if this was on purpose or not.
I LOVE to sing! Mostly "oldies" or folk songs, but I just like music. I do not have a good singing voice, but I do not let that stop me. I ADORE the out of doors! Hiking, gardening, landscaping, yard work, playing. If it is outside, I usually love it. This comes from living with my adoptive father who was a botanist. We did nearly everything outside. I love people, but I am very reserved at first, but I'll warm up. I am a very energetic friend.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Contrary to what Yomi has said about the Pit in regards to how it exudes deep despair, the Pit does not impress any emotion on you that does not come from yourself first. The Pit and the Tombs both seem to work as a magnifier for any negative emotion you are feeling. Typically, when Yomi has entered the Pit she had no way of getting out, so she felt despair, which was then magnified and projected back at her, thus giving the Pit the illusion of exuding great despair. In the same way, the Pit and Tombs are not evil in and of themselves. They can seem evil since they amplify negative emotions and it can seem like the tunnels wish you harm, but this is an illusion meant to keep people out.
Having described the nature of the Tombs, I must give a physical description of the place. First, light is not permitted down here, which leads me to believe that it is part of the Black Room. Because of that, one has to make their way around the Tombs by feel and memory. Sound does not echo, so you cannot use an echolocation method. The walls and floors are smooth as though they were made of polished marble. There is no air current and the temperature of the place is body temperature. It is as though the entire place was designed to strip away all five senses so you must use your memory and sheer will to move forward. When I explored the Tombs looking for Yomi, I had tied an infinity rope (a length of rope that can be as long as it is needed to be) around my waist and Tommi held the other end at the top of the Pit. In this way, I was able to explore the Tombs and not get lost forever in the labyrinth of darkness.
This is all I know about the Pit and the Tombs. I originally believed that they guard something that was not vitally important nor time sensitive. I thought we needed to get everyone sorted out, making sure there aren’t any more people, before we began exploring the extreme reaches of Erin’s mind. That was before Little Erin went down into the Tombs to look for Big Erin, the original girl. What Little Erin has told me about the Tombs is consistent with what I already knew. More on what Little Erin found in the next post.
PS, If it seems like I am the only one posting anymore, do not worry, Yomi is still around, she just forgets to update.
Friday, May 20, 2011
I have gone from requiring martial arts training to learn control to looking through crochetting patterns with this body's mother. I have gone from being ready for a fight at the drop of a hat to not being able to collect enough anger to do my job.
A friend jokingly said I have gone soft... And it is all too close to home. I talk tough, but my follow through is lacking.
Now I have a strong persecutory alter at my door. He screams and claws on the inside. He causes dizziness and nausea. I feel sick when I eat and nauseous when I don't. I sit in wait, pretending to be waiting out a storm, but really I'm shaking and quaking worried he will never be quiet. What kind of protector am I?
I can't do what needs done. What kind of protector am I?
I am not being strong. What kind of warrior am I?
The warrior is becoming a housewife, and I am terrified.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
I know this letter will never reach you as I am sure you do not exist anymore... least not in the way I remember you. But I hope, where ever you are, that you somehow know what I've become. I hope you see me and you are proud of me.
I reminded myself of you last night. I pissed someone off on purpose; I got up in their face. That alone isn't unusual, I know you know that... but this time, Sensei, this time, it wasn't for me; it was for a friend; it was to help a friend. I hope you are proud of me because I care for someone, honestly care for them.
When you knew me, Sensei, I had lost my heart; it was hidden away deep inside. But I met a group of girls that found it for me, that gave my heart back to me, and who aren't letting me hide it ever again.
Sensei, you used to say to me: What's eating at you? What's poisoning your heart? Sensei, I think I can honestly say my heart isn't being poisoned anymore. I can easily say "I love you" and mean it wholeheartedly. Sensei, I hope you're proud of me. I hope I am the person you wanted me to be.
Sensei, I am strong now. I am not the victim you once knew all those years ago. I am strong and I am brave. I have a cause and I have hope for tomorrow.
I never told you this when I had the chance, Sensei, but thank you for seeing me and for believing in me.
You are my hero.
To my knowledge, Chaos has come out twice. The first time, he pretended to be me while texting Nickie and then he wrote a letter of warning on Erin's iPod's Notes app. Yomi used the Notes app days later, but did not see the letter; this was as though she had received a law, even if she did not read it. The letter included the consequences of challenging or resisting Chaos.
Friday, May 13th, the second time Chaos came out was after a long day of Yomi fighting him from taking control. She didn't know who he was and he gave no answer when questioned, so she refused to let him out. This was seen as Yomi resisting Chaos, so there were eventual consequences. that night he hid Erin's underwear and car keys. He also wrote/drew on Erin's stomach while pretending to be Ginko Honey.
Sunday, May 15th, Chaos kidnapped Yomi and hid her, forcing me out in control. He refused to let Yomi go because he was having too much fun. After almost two days of hiding her, Chaos threw Yomi into the Black Room. Yomi had been severely beaten; her body inside the Black Room was broken and bleeding. Chaos said that Yomi must suffer the consequences of her actions (referring to resisting and not letting him out). I temporarily bound her wounds then created a small medical office in the Room of Requirement, where I cleaned her up and dressed her wounds properly.
Yomi came out briefly to talk to Nickie, but was in so much non-physical pain, she could not handle being out in control. She is currently resting in the Medical Bay in the Room of Requirement. I expect her to be there for a few days, possibly all week.
Wednesday, May 18th, Chaos seems to be after me now, as I resisted him from taking over all day yesterday. I'm sure I will rack up quite the list of offenses before Justice catches and passes judgement on me. However, I will fight and resist Chaos & Justice every step of the way because I do not back down from fear-fed tyranny.
My current plan is to resist and challenge and fight Chaos & Justice until they see me as an equal. I hope that when that happens, I am able to negotiate with them and set up truce terms. We shall see if this actually works...
The following is a copy of Chaos' letter on the iPod. I am assuming Chaos & Justice named themselves after Chaos wrote the letter:
Chaos is here and I will wreak havoc and begin disasters from within. Challenge me and I will target you first. Resist me and hell breaks loose.
I do this, not because I am hateful or spiteful... I do this for my own entertainment and I am criminally bored.
- The Unnamed One
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
I'm walking through the woods on a warm summer day. The woods are quiet and all I hear are my footsteps. As I walk, I come across a road, not much more than an animal track. This road stretches to either side as far as the eye can see. There is no sound but my near silent breaths. My heart begins to pound as I contemplate this trail. Am I brave enough? I ask, as though the forest would answer. Where does it lead? It must go somewhere. Am I brave enough to find out? Do I have the strength to see this through? The forest does not respond and the woods are as silent as ever. So I step out from my place, never to return.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
I hope you find it informative.
If anyone has any questions they would like answered, feel free to contact Yomi or I through a comment; we will do our best to answer them. We will not take requests for posts from specific alters, but you can ask questions about anything. We reserve the right to not answer if we choose.
Monday, May 2, 2011
I don't know where I went, those few hours--seven to be precise--are as blank to me as if they never happened. One moment, I am taking a shower. The next thing I know, I hear Morrigan calling my name, I am lying in bed, and it is the next morning. I'm just glad I didn't have to go to class that day.
Little Erin keeps trying to talk to me about our "same hurt" and it scares me, because I don't know what she's talking about but she insists that it is "verry impornant." My girlfriend seems to think that I've forgotten... but I don't think I knew about it in the first place... But I have blog entries that have my name on them saying I wrote them... but I don't remember writing them.
Little Erin tried talking to me in the middle of church... not her best idea so far. It all resulted in chaos inside the Black Room. Morrigan and Jihan in fighting hand to hand; Little Erin alternating between shouting at me and running from Blissy; Guilt waltzed through the madness at some point; I just huddled under the small force-field dome I erected to protect me from them. I learned later that Guilt was taking care of my body during church to make me look like I was more okay that I actually was.
Things settled down after a while, Jihan and Guilt returned to his apartment, Shiloh took Little Erin to the Room of Requirement, Morrigan shoved me back into Reality. I started distracting myself. I watched "Inception" with my parents... which only served to remind me of arguments Morrigan and I had had back when she still lived in Alter. (We would argue about who's reality was real.) Then I watched "The Fall" which is a phenomenal film that everyone should see before they die. Directly after that was a Bible study, after which I hung out at a friend's house... By time I returned to my parent's house, it was time to sleep. From when I woke up til now, everyone has been silent. Morrigan has not even pipped up to try to convince me to talk to her about recent events. I am truly glad for the quiet this time.
Ever since I have returned from my seemingly random disappearance, I have had a hard time keeping track of who I am. I ask myself questions:
Am I Yomi?
I don't know... The name doesn't seem to fit quite right.
Am I Morrigan?
No, I hear Morrigan clearly protesting.
Who am I? Am I who everyone thinks I am?
I don't know... Am I really Yomi? I don't know... I guess I am?
This scares me. I have always known who I was. There were times where I was afraid of loosing track of myself, but it had never happened before. Morrigan and I have gotten tangled with one another when we have tried to switch too fast or too often, but it didn't take long before one of the two of us extracted ourselves, usually Morrigan.
I thought I had such a good handle of what was going on... But this... I don't know what is happening to us and it's scaring me.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
When I asked the little girl who she was, she told me that she was not supposed to tell me. It had the feel of "stranger danger" and it made me smile. I have given her the nickname "Honey."
During the 30min drive to the church, we had a conversation about everything from her favorite color (yellow) to where she is (she had no idea). She identified at least three other kids, besides herself, who all used to live in Sierra's house. They knew Morrigan and were given a lot of rules by Sierra as to what they could and could not talk about to whom. They were specifically instructed to not talk to me or anyone else who was not from Alter.
The two others that are with Honey are Bloomer and Rachel. The three of them go everywhere together as a unit and Morrigan and I have been referring to them as the Orphans. Honey is human, seems to be about 2 or 3 years old and is very chatty despite Bloomer's attempts to keep her quiet. Bloomer is a 9 year old Cat-boy (a human with cat ears and tail) and he tries very hard to follow the rules Sierra gave him. Rachel is also human but seems to be too young to even talk.
While trying to understand where they were located, Honey said that they were moved to a black, wall-less place recently. This sounds like the Black Room to me, and the timing of the move would be shortly after Morrigan cornered and questioned Sierra about what her dealings with the "Government" were about. Morrigan said that all Sierra would say is that she "cannot talk about what the Government has done nor about the secrets it keeps." Morrigan thinks that Sierra is the Secret Keeper... Which kind of makes sense. This makes me nervous because I wonder what all has happened that I do not know about...
Morrigan has also done some more poking around and has discovered that Sierra's house has been completely emptied, including Morrigan's room (she is not thrilled about this). So once again, Sierra is MIA. The current assumption is that Sierra has moved in order to better protect the secrets that are her responsibility.
A day or so ago, Tommy started talking to Morrigan and then to me. He is about 13 years old and is a Beagle Anthro. Tommy is very sarcastic and cynical. He has been interesting to get to know.
Currently, things on the inside have calmed down and it is very quiet. I am not sure if this is comforting or disconcerting... But I guess I should start getting used to this cycle of louds and quiets.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Grief does funny things to you. It pierces. It cripples. It tears. It lames. I suppose it doesn't really matter what action it takes... It only brings with it the fresh pain.
Seven months ago I was told my reality did not exist outside Erin's mind. A few months ago, I finally accepted that fact. The world of Alter itself I could live without. Granted, I loved Chicago... but I could do without the uncertainty of walking down the street. Some of the other "characters," like Honda or Eisel, I could do without. I miss Honda sometimes, she was the closest thing to an aunt I had, but really it doesn't bother me that she's gone. I can handle my whole world crashing down, literally... but then I remember him...
I think of his name and my throat closes up. I remember some of his mannerisms or accent and tears prick my eyes.
"Hey Morri, do you smell that?"
"Morri, was that a pothole? I swear there was cement there yesterday!"
"Can you describe that to me? I want to see with your eyes."
"Morri! Take off your shoes right here. This spot of grass is amazing."
He was so child-like, so full of wonder. He had never seen the United States with his own eyes, but he loved to describe what he thought it looked like. He would try to explain skyscrapers in the words of someone who had only seen a jungle. He was so amazing... and I treated him with such disdain for so long.
I traded his love for my indifference and hard-heartedness. No, I didn't act that was all the time; he wore down my hard heart after a while. But I never got the chance to tell him that I loved him in return. Sometimes I like to pretend like he knew but he just didn't tell me. But that thought would be smashed when I happened to catch a glimpse of an expression when he thought no one could see him... It was so melancholic... So pained... I knew that look. I knew what it meant... And I wish I had had the time to take it all away.
Yet at the same time, I am so glad I never got to tell him. How much worse would it have been if I had opened my heart to a mere figment of someone else's imagination? I had opened my heart up in secret, how much more damage would have been done if the love was not locked away? He was so open about how he felt. He would tell me he loved me. He told me he was waiting for me, but I made him wait too long.
He is gone now. I am left only with the pain in my heart and the scar that proves he once existed.
Friday, April 15, 2011
I gave Morgan the packet I prepared about all of us and the different rooms and the pictures I had drawn of Guilt, Morrigan, and Little Erin. She said it was very, very helpful because now she can look over it without me right there and she know more of what's going on.
Her conclusion was that, while I had some symptoms of bipolar (6month cycles of high and low energy), DID does make the most sense. This isn't surprising to me, honestly, but it's good to hear that Roberta and I have been on the right track.
I've also been having to think about getting a new counselor that is closer to where I live... While it's irritating to start over with someone new, it is also good to have someone nearby for when stuff like this past Thursday/Friday happens. A closer counselor could have stopped by if they felt they needed to or whatever.
Morgan and I had briefly discussed the use of medication to make the voices of my alters go away... Which I decided long ago that if this was, in fact, DID, then I didn't want to use medication if I didn't have to. The idea of suppressing the voices of different parts of myself is nearly appalling. However, I was given a prescription for emergency use for when I get overwhelmed by what's going on in my mind. This way I can take that, calm down a bit, and wait to get into the clinic instead of going into the ER. It saves me a lot of money in the long (and short) run.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
If you could contact me somehow, whether through email or Facebook or even face to face, and let me know what you all consider to be the helpful and important things to know, I would greatly appreciate it.
David, I have gotten your emails, and I am in the process of figuring out some of the points you brought up. Thank you for your input; I do appreciate it a lot.
If any of you could do me this grand favor, I would be so thankful.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
I was attempting to go to sleep, and I was succeeding rather well, when I heard a nondescript voice say to me, "They are coming for you."
Now, I thought it was a figment of my imagination, so I didn't give it much thought. However, when Jihan, who I hadn't heard from in a few months at least, came to me and wanted to know if I heard the voice too, I thought that maybe it was something a bit more. After speaking with Morrigan and Guilt about it, they had heard the voice too, though to them it had said "They are coming for Yomi."
That's when I really hoped it was my own or our collective imagination and decided to not think much of it... But I told Nickie about it and she convinced me to at least call Roberta about it and let her decide what to do.
Her instructions were to keep a look out for "They" and to call her back if I hear from it again. Roberta believed that it may be the dangerous alter that apparently all people with MPD have.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
This evening, I was sitting on the couch in the living room, trying to draw and not succeeding at all when I started to get a restless itch that I've come to associate with Guilt wanting to go out. However, I have also figured out that if I do something fun and social it usually goes away without me having to deal with Guilt. So, I began asking around, seeing who was available to do something this weekend.
I had just set up a time to do something with a friend of mine, when I got that old feeling of needing to run away. I am not a fan of this feeling at all, especially since I am happy enough with the life I have at the moment. So I decided to write about the feeling to get it out of my system; it's something that usually works.
While I was writing, again I heard that nondescript voice. This time it said, "They have come for you," and then it proceeded to describe with just enough detail about how it wanted to hurt me and others around me, which would hurt me as well.
This voice terrified me, not because of the threats that it was making, but because I was convinced that it could follow through. So I called Roberta. By time she picked up the phone, I was curled up in/near my closet in near hysteria.
Since the voice was threatening to hurt me and since I believed it could do it, Roberta recommended that I be admitted into a hospital. Roberta spoke and explained things to my mom, who then took me to the hospital. At this point, I was so scared that I was balling and visibly shaking.
Friday, April 8, 2001
11:00pm-12:00am -- Arrived at the hospital and was put in a room. It was routine procedure for a while; they checked my vitals and stuff. Though they either had a security guard or a sitter with me at all times since I was there for psychological reasons.
This entire time the voice doesn't talk all that much; it really didn't have to. I knew it was there still, I could feel it and I knew what its intentions were, it didn't have to keep talking for me to still be terrified of it.
I was admitted into the hospital for the night at least and my mom went home to get some rest (we lived about 5-10min from the hospital).
Sometime after my mom left, They got control of my right hand and squeezed my upper left arm just hard enough to make it hurt but not leave a bruise. At the same time it made some comment about how it could do more than that if it wanted to. A little while later They closed up my throat so I couldn't breath for a few moments. And again, it got control of my hand in order to stroke my cheek, which was highly creepy, but it was still giving the message of "See what I can do? I can do more if I wanted to." It was frightening.
I managed to fall asleep, but only after a prayer and a pretty significant revelation.
At 2am, I was exhausted and I could barely stay awake, however I was still terrified that something would happen when I was sleeping. So, I started praying, asking God to help me because I was way in over my head and to protect me in my sleep... Then I realized... My need had already been met. God had already gotten me to the hospital where someone was watching me every moment to make sure I didn't get hurt no matter what. He took care of me before I realized my own need. So I thanked Him and fell asleep easily knowing that He was taking care of me.
I woke up naturally. I was frightened, but relatively calm. The voice was back with a vengeance. Around this time, the staff had prepared a different room for me, so I changed rooms. I remember being happy because I was moved into room 13, which is a good number for me. Then I fell asleep again.
I really don't know why I woke up this time, but my sitter was still outside my room. She was a really nice girl and I talked with her off and on throughout this whole shebang. The girl reminded me of someone, but I couldn't remember who and it really bothered me. At this point, she told me that her shift was over around 7:00 and I remember hoping that the new sitter wouldn't be a guy because I didn't know if I could handle that.
When the sitter's shift was over, there was not another one to take her place, so the hospital had security watch over me. Under normal circumstances this would have been fine, not a big deal. However, this was not a normal circumstance.
Marie, who had already been very uneasy because we were in a hospital, happened to see that there were two men who were dressed in police-like uniforms completely freaked out and accidentally overpowered me. She found herself in control of a body that didn't look like her own and she was in a place that she did not remember going to on her own. This is a very similar situation to how I met Marie in the first place.
From here, I really only know what Morrigan has shared with me and I am very uncertain as to the timing of things. I was sequestered off in a "corner" trapped by "They," who threatened to hurt my alters if I even tried to talk to them.
Marie curled up in a tight little ball, clutching at the pillow I had brought with me until my mom showed up. As soon as my mom walked in the door, Marie said, "My name is Marie Jessica Laysfield. I think you have the wrong person. I swear I didn't do anything wrong."
To my mom's credit, she did not freak out (externally), though she did tell Marie that "Marie" was not her real name and then she sat down and held Marie as she cried.
At some point in time, the hospital's counselor showed up and began asking Marie questions which ranged from the standard name/birth date/social security number to what was going on. Thankfully, Morrigan knew most of the information and was helping Marie answer. I am not sure what all the talked about, but I do know that my mom was in the room for most of it... which makes me a bit nervous, honestly.
Eventually, it got to the point where the counselor needed me to sign some release of information papers. Apparently, when dealing with a person with MPD, only the signature of the main/dominant personality is considered to be legally legitimate. I find this to be incredibly intriguing and relieving. Because of this, Marie asked Morrigan to find me, as she had been calling for me and I was not answering; I could hear her, but I did not want to answer for fear that They would harm her.
This is when Morrigan got really pissed off with They and shouted at it, "If you even dare harm a hair on Yomi's head, so help me God..." She didn't finish her statement; she didn't have to. They backed off enough for me to slip past it into the Black Room. Once there, Morrigan and I helped Marie maneuver the white door, which she had never done before, and I was in control again.
The counselor and I talked for a little bit, I signed the papers, and they got me ready to discharge.
When the on-duty doctor came in to talk to me, the way he had to summarize the situation because he had come on shift right as I was being discharged. He said, "So a voice is saying it wants to hurt and kill you. You don't want to hurt yourself and it is not telling you to hurt yourself. The voice itself wants to hurt you." As I agreed that this was the situation, a small part of me said, "Huh, that sounds like a demon..." I dismissed it at the time because I was doing stuff to leave the hospital.
My mom drove me the less than five minutes it takes to get from the hospital to the house; I was so tired. I estimated that I got about 3 or 4 hours of sleep.
Per her request, I called Roberta. We talked for a bit and she asked me if I thought that They could be a demon. I told her that the thought had occurred to me. Roberta decided that we needed to determine if They was an alter or a demon.
Me:(to They) Where are you?
They: I'm everywhere.
Me: No, seriously, you can't be everywhere. Where are you?
They: I'm in the Pit; I'm in the Tombs. I'm in the Hallway; I'm in the Rooms.
(I got the tiniest kick out of it rhyming. I still think it was clever.)
Me: That's creepy. Where are you?
They: I'm right here.
Me: So, why exactly do you want to hurt me?
They: Because I hate you.
Me: Great, why do you hate me? Or what is it about me that you hate?
They: I hate you. I deplore you. I loathe you. It is in my nature to hate you. All of you. I hate you because you are you and I am me.
Me: Do you hate Yomi or the core of Erin?
They: I hate all of you, the core, the soul.
This is when Roberta determined that it was, in fact, a demon and not an alter. Her explanation was that a demon would hate the core or soul of a person without need for a reason. Whereas an alter would hate the person or part of a person but with a specific reason(s) for doing so. For example: I hate you because you are such-and-such or you have done such-and-such.
Before getting rid of it, I asked Morrigan's help. She said, "Of course. I am no longer just a survivor; I am Erin's Warrior. Let's do this." Roberta and I then proceeded to pray and say the names of Jesus Christ and God while Morrigan stood guard and made sure it didn't run away to a different part of my mind. They got super pissed. To cut a long story short, They eventually left and I had a sense of peace and calm.
Then I called the psychiatrist shortly after this. I have an appointment sometime Friday; I have to come in at 8:30am and hang around until they can fit me in. Roberta told me to make a folder of all the important stuff that's gone on for the past 9 months so the psychiatrist can look at it. I did that for Roberta when I showed up for my first appointment; she said it was one of the most helpful things I did.
Then I slept... Well tried to sleep because my mom kept waking me up reminding me to do the dishes. After I did the dishes, I couldn't fall asleep until about 10pm.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
The rest of my weekend and the beginning of this week has been very calm and relaxing. My family has been giving me space, which I appreciate. My oldest sister has made it abundantly clear that I am welcome at her apartment whenever I want and I can talk to her about anything. I asked her about this and she meant anything including my alters. They are even welcome at her apartment. Her reasoning is that she loves me and wants to be part of my life, and they are a big part of my life now, so she wants to hear about them too. I love her a lot.
Hopefully that'll be the most exciting thing to happen for a while at least. I'm still recovering from the stress and lack of sleep, but I'll get there. I always do.