Read This First

We have moved to a different blog: We Choose Harmony

To see why, read this post: From Internal to External.

But feel free to read this blog for background information.

In October of 2010 Erin was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. This blog is to record what is going inside Erin's mind. We don't know what all that will entail... But we are hoping that keeping a record of it will help in some manner. We also hope that maybe, just maybe, that we'll heal from whatever issues that we have and come out victorious.

All personalities or identities within Erin are invited to write here; each entry will be marked with who is writing.

If you are a survivor yourself, there are no trigger warnings on the entries... Please be careful as you navigate this blog. If you are a significant other of someone with DID/MPD, our hope is that this blog may be of some use to you, but please remember that every person with DID is very unique and must be considered as their own case.

Thank you for visiting!

Monday, May 2, 2011

Losing Track... -- Yomi

I apparently disappeared a few days ago for a few hours... I wasn't just unconscious like when people sleep, but Morrigan looked for me everywhere, even searching rooms I have barely spoken of here. Before, when I have been asleep, Morrigan can wake me up by calling my name... Apparently she called my name for quite some time, but I didn't answer nor could I hear her.

I don't know where I went, those few hours--seven to be precise--are as blank to me as if they never happened. One moment, I am taking a shower. The next thing I know, I hear Morrigan calling my name, I am lying in bed, and it is the next morning. I'm just glad I didn't have to go to class that day.

Little Erin keeps trying to talk to me about our "same hurt" and it scares me, because I don't know what she's talking about but she insists that it is "verry impornant." My girlfriend seems to think that I've forgotten... but I don't think I knew about it in the first place... But I have blog entries that have my name on them saying I wrote them... but I don't remember writing them.

Little Erin tried talking to me in the middle of church... not her best idea so far. It all resulted in chaos inside the Black Room. Morrigan and Jihan in fighting hand to hand; Little Erin alternating between shouting at me and running from Blissy; Guilt waltzed through the madness at some point; I just huddled under the small force-field dome I erected to protect me from them. I learned later that Guilt was taking care of my body during church to make me look like I was more okay that I actually was.

Things settled down after a while, Jihan and Guilt returned to his apartment, Shiloh took Little Erin to the Room of Requirement, Morrigan shoved me back into Reality. I started distracting myself. I watched "Inception" with my parents... which only served to remind me of arguments Morrigan and I had had back when she still lived in Alter. (We would argue about who's reality was real.) Then I watched "The Fall" which is a phenomenal film that everyone should see before they die. Directly after that was a Bible study, after which I hung out at a friend's house... By time I returned to my parent's house, it was time to sleep. From when I woke up til now, everyone has been silent. Morrigan has not even pipped up to try to convince me to talk to her about recent events. I am truly glad for the quiet this time.

Ever since I have returned from my seemingly random disappearance, I have had a hard time keeping track of who I am. I ask myself questions:

Am I Yomi?
I don't know... The name doesn't seem to fit quite right.
Am I Morrigan?
No, I hear Morrigan clearly protesting.
Who am I? Am I who everyone thinks I am?
I don't know... Am I really Yomi? I don't know... I guess I am?

This scares me. I have always known who I was. There were times where I was afraid of loosing track of myself, but it had never happened before. Morrigan and I have gotten tangled with one another when we have tried to switch too fast or too often, but it didn't take long before one of the two of us extracted ourselves, usually Morrigan.

I thought I had such a good handle of what was going on... But this... I don't know what is happening to us and it's scaring me.

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