Read This First
In October of 2010 Erin was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. This blog is to record what is going inside Erin's mind. We don't know what all that will entail... But we are hoping that keeping a record of it will help in some manner. We also hope that maybe, just maybe, that we'll heal from whatever issues that we have and come out victorious.
All personalities or identities within Erin are invited to write here; each entry will be marked with who is writing.
If you are a survivor yourself, there are no trigger warnings on the entries... Please be careful as you navigate this blog. If you are a significant other of someone with DID/MPD, our hope is that this blog may be of some use to you, but please remember that every person with DID is very unique and must be considered as their own case.
Thank you for visiting!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Since Guilt forced me to deal with things, people in my head have gotten quieter. It took what seemed like a long time, but I have been able to sleep without seeing that man. A few nights ago, I even started sleeping without a nightlight or the closet light on. So, I guess that's progress...
My personal life has been chaotic and stressful. My car broke down as my girlfriend and I were trying to get to her relative's house; taking care of that was... very stressful. I have been living at my parent's house for the past few weeks. They have offered me a place to stay, and eventually Nickie too, while we get back on our feet. Things started out very rough with my parents... It felt like I couldn't enter a room without feeling imaginary guilt for something, just like it was back in high school.
All the stress compounded and eventually my mind when into lock down mode. I could not enter the Black Room, nor could I communicate with Little Erin via her walky-talky or Morrigan via her cell phone. I didn't hear from anyone for several days until I was baking a cake and Morrigan was getting upset with something I was doing wrong and she was able to get through some how. (By the way, if you do not have a sifter for your powdered sugar, a whisk works equally as well.)
It was only when I made my way back to central Illinois to the Roy's house (where Nickie and I had been staying since December) did the Black Room open up again. The moment it opened, Guilt yelled, "It's about fucking time!" It made me smile a lot; I hadn't realized how weird it was to have such a quiet mind. However, since it's opened back up, I still haven't heard much from the others and it's become harder to enter the Black Room. My theory is that I'm just not relaxed enough to be able to do it well.
I'm not sure if this should worry me. I mean, large amounts of stress does weird things to everyone, so it makes sense to me that something like that could happen. I think what bothers me more is how quiet everyone has been. It makes me wonder if it is the quiet before a storm or if it is just going to be calmer for a while.
If there is a "storm" coming, my next worry is about my parents with whom I am currently staying. My mom only today gave any indication that she thinks I have MPD; I had told her when it was confirmed by my counselor. I don't know how they'll take me not being me at some point. What if Guilt comes out when they're around? Or Morrigan? Heaven forbid, Blissy. Little Erin and Guilt have come around when it was very late at night and they both promised to not leave my bedroom. But during the day, I might not have that luxury. It is so common for people with MPD to go to sleep and wake up days later not knowing where they are or how they got there. I've taken it for granted that it's not happened to me, but I must wonder what will happen if it ever does... I just hope my parents are understanding enough to believe me when their daughter tells them her name isn't Erin, it's something else. I just hope they don't get angry with me...
My counselor thinks that the amount of control I have over all of us is what keeps them from taking over randomly. She says that I need to find a time to let them out, to tell them that they all will have their turn having their own voice that will be heard. But it frightens me, because, when I am co-conscious, I have no control over what they do. I can give them information about where things are or who people are, but other than that, I have no control. I don't know if letting them out like that is something I can do.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
When I first met Little Erin it was at the insistence of Blissy. I had just had been scared while taking a shower and Blissy asked me if I wanted to see what she thought I looked like. Before I could answer, she had shoved a mirror in front of my face and I was looking at the reflection of what I looked like at 6 years old, or there about. When I put the mirror down, there in front of me stood my reflection. I asked her her name and she replied with my full name. This little girl was me when I was a child, and it scared the crap out of me.
Since then, I made her the Room of Requirement in order that she has a place to stay outside the reach of Blissy.
Little Erin is a charming little girl; full of wonder and curiosity. Nickie adores her and shows Little Erin all sorts of things when she comes out. Little Erin still thinks it's 1995, even though we have explained multiple times that it isn't, that her body is older now. She doesn't look in mirrors because it truly weirds her out that she is tall, her hand are big, and that, instead of white hair, she now has black.
Nickie and I have been slowly exposing her to the Disney movies that she missed out on and the video games we know she will love. To her, the original Nintendo (NES) is the only platform available. We haven't shown her the Wii just yet, but she has seen internet games. The internet itself was somewhat hard to explain, but it was managed. All in all, Little Erin is a bright and obedient girl.
I have been learning recently that her and I have a much stronger connection than even Morrigan and I have. At first it frightened me, I didn't understand why being around Little Erin made me feel so vulnerable. So I was happy to pass her off to Nickie whenever she came out; it doesn't help that I have no earthly idea of what to do with a child that age.
Little Erin still makes me feel vulnerable, but now, at least, I understand why and that it is okay. After she shared the memory of the man at the playground with me, I had naively thought that she did not hold anything connected to those memories... Looking back, I cannot believe how stupid I was to assume this. Little Erin is a frightened and scared little girl that still has no idea of what to do with the memories that she has tried so hard to forget. She made me feel vulnerable because we had the same pain, the same questions, the same fears... I didn't realize this until she wrote down her memories. I can't believe I was so wrapped up in my own pain that I missed hers. Her and I get along much better now that we understand one another.
From what I can tell, Little Erin experienced abuse from the man at the playground six different times causing the splits for Guilt, Jihan, Marie, Morrigan, and Yomi. The current theory is that after Little Erin could not handle life, Marie took over. I do not know when the transition from Marie to Yomi happened. This theory has flaws, but it's the best I have for now.
(Little Erin is the girl in the bottom right corner.)
February 1, Little Erin asked me if she could come out to write about things that she could remember.
Original spellings and grammar will be kept to retain the feel of a 6-year-old's thoughts. Correct spelling will be in brackets.
When things happen that I do not unterstand [understand] I am told that I will one day when I am old. Some things have happened to me and I do not unterstood [understand] them. Big Erin is old now but she still not unterstand [still does not understand]. Bad things happen to me and Big Erin. Things we forgot or tryed [tried] to forget. Things I am not likeing [liking] to talk about. But sometimes talking about bad thins [things] is good? I am scared when I think about what he did. I think that he will find me and hurt me agan [again]. I am hurting wher [where] no one sees. A person can look for my hurt and they can not see it. It is invizible [invisible]. Why did the man hurt me? Did I make him mad? Did I do something bad? He scared m [me] when he came to bend [behind] me. I love swings. And running. No more now. If I swing he can find me. I can not run fast away from him. He catches me. He holded [holds] me in the durt [dirt]. He hurted [hurt] me in the durts [dirt]. I cried but he not let me go. I cried that hight [night] until I fell sleep. And I cried every night until I forgot. I loved swings and he would find me. He found me a lot. He brout [brought] a diferent [different] man one time. He hurt me less than the First man. They told me to keep it sekret [secret]. No one would believe me they sayed [said]. I cried more but I was queit [quiet]. No one heard my tears. I cried until I forgot. Then I sleped [slept] for long time. Very long, long, long, long, tim [time]. When I wake up Blissy taks [takes] me to clean room. The clean room is bad place. I do not like clean room. I was there for long time. Not as long as I sleeped [slept], but still long time. Then Big Erin finded [found] me and made me my own room away from Blissy. Away from Clean room. I like my room But I am by alone. Mary [Marie] is with im y [in my] room but she does not play. Shilow [Shiloh] does not play. Shilow [Shiloh] is boring. Nere plays with me som [some] times. But Nere do not unterstand [understand] inglehs [English]. I have a hard time talking to Nere. Nere likes to draw and dig. Nere is my good friend. I am done writing.
Little Erin 2-1-1995
The first image is of Little Erin's handwriting. The second is of Yomi's handwriting. Both are shown in order to see the marked difference between the two. To see a larger image of either picture, merely click on the picture itself.