Read This First

We have moved to a different blog: We Choose Harmony

To see why, read this post: From Internal to External.

But feel free to read this blog for background information.

In October of 2010 Erin was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. This blog is to record what is going inside Erin's mind. We don't know what all that will entail... But we are hoping that keeping a record of it will help in some manner. We also hope that maybe, just maybe, that we'll heal from whatever issues that we have and come out victorious.

All personalities or identities within Erin are invited to write here; each entry will be marked with who is writing.

If you are a survivor yourself, there are no trigger warnings on the entries... Please be careful as you navigate this blog. If you are a significant other of someone with DID/MPD, our hope is that this blog may be of some use to you, but please remember that every person with DID is very unique and must be considered as their own case.

Thank you for visiting!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Discovering Multiple Personality Disorder

I discovered that I had Multiple Personality Disorder in August of 2010. I had been going to a free counselor that my school sponsored and I thought it would be a good idea to look through an old journal to help remember some things we had been talking about. This is when I found two journal entries that I did not remember making.

The entries claimed to be from "Thanatos" (Greek for "death.") He made a few claims. First, that he had taken over because Erin was overwhelmed with schoolwork. Second, that he did not intend to let Erin come back until her work was straightened out. Last, that his name came from the Bible, Romans 6:23, "For the wages of sin is death..." A few entries later, Erin wrote again saying that she was back but she didn't know for how long. This was the one of the only mentions of Thanatos in my entire journal.

Before I found these journal entries, I had some suspicions about some "characters" I had created back in middle and high school. The fun thing to do back then among my tiny social group was to create characters to draw and make stories about. I thought nothing of these "characters" that I created until I noticed that they held more symbolic significance for me than other people's characters held.

When I talked with my close college friends (many of whom had counseling or psychology backgrounds)their suspicious were raised, but they thought they were just symbolic characters I had made in order to express myself more fully.

After I found the journal entries, I began having panic attacks in which these "characters" would show up and prey on my fears and failures: friends and family abandoning me, bad grades, slacking at responsibilities, hypocrisy, and the list can go on.

My college room mate, Nickie, was adamant about me telling my counselor about this... I procrastinated... until Tuesday, September 28. The voices of my "characters" were so loud that it felt like I was going to be lost among them and lose my own identity.

October 6, 2010, I began counseling with Roberta. I had gathered as much information I could about all my "characters" and presented it all to her... Poor woman, I'm sure it must have been information overload... She took it all in and we have begun to work on figuring it all out.

The point of this blog, what I hope to gain from it, is for me to have a place to vent out fears, struggles, and hopes while I go through this process. I hope that those reading can relate, if only a small amount, to these struggles. If you are like me, I hope this blog will be a bit of encouragement; you are not alone.


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