Read This First

We have moved to a different blog: We Choose Harmony

To see why, read this post: From Internal to External.

But feel free to read this blog for background information.

In October of 2010 Erin was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. This blog is to record what is going inside Erin's mind. We don't know what all that will entail... But we are hoping that keeping a record of it will help in some manner. We also hope that maybe, just maybe, that we'll heal from whatever issues that we have and come out victorious.

All personalities or identities within Erin are invited to write here; each entry will be marked with who is writing.

If you are a survivor yourself, there are no trigger warnings on the entries... Please be careful as you navigate this blog. If you are a significant other of someone with DID/MPD, our hope is that this blog may be of some use to you, but please remember that every person with DID is very unique and must be considered as their own case.

Thank you for visiting!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

About The Pit and The Tombs -- Morrigan

I believe I am the only one of us, besides Little Erin, who has actually explored the Tombs… I know Yomi has been in the Pit numerous times, every time against her will, but she has never dared to enter those tunnels of complete and utter darkness.

Contrary to what Yomi has said about the Pit in regards to how it exudes deep despair, the Pit does not impress any emotion on you that does not come from yourself first. The Pit and the Tombs both seem to work as a magnifier for any negative emotion you are feeling. Typically, when Yomi has entered the Pit she had no way of getting out, so she felt despair, which was then magnified and projected back at her, thus giving the Pit the illusion of exuding great despair. In the same way, the Pit and Tombs are not evil in and of themselves. They can seem evil since they amplify negative emotions and it can seem like the tunnels wish you harm, but this is an illusion meant to keep people out.

Having described the nature of the Tombs, I must give a physical description of the place. First, light is not permitted down here, which leads me to believe that it is part of the Black Room. Because of that, one has to make their way around the Tombs by feel and memory. Sound does not echo, so you cannot use an echolocation method. The walls and floors are smooth as though they were made of polished marble. There is no air current and the temperature of the place is body temperature. It is as though the entire place was designed to strip away all five senses so you must use your memory and sheer will to move forward. When I explored the Tombs looking for Yomi, I had tied an infinity rope (a length of rope that can be as long as it is needed to be) around my waist and Tommi held the other end at the top of the Pit. In this way, I was able to explore the Tombs and not get lost forever in the labyrinth of darkness.

This is all I know about the Pit and the Tombs. I originally believed that they guard something that was not vitally important nor time sensitive. I thought we needed to get everyone sorted out, making sure there aren’t any more people, before we began exploring the extreme reaches of Erin’s mind. That was before Little Erin went down into the Tombs to look for Big Erin, the original girl. What Little Erin has told me about the Tombs is consistent with what I already knew. More on what Little Erin found in the next post.

-- Morrigan

PS, If it seems like I am the only one posting anymore, do not worry, Yomi is still around, she just forgets to update.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Domestication -- Morrigan

I am a warrior. I fight, I battle. I protect, I prevent. I am anger, I am fury... But this warrior has come home from the war and is expected to be the caretaker. The anger that has fueled me my entire life has disapated. The fury pushing me forward to do impossible things is gone.

I have gone from requiring martial arts training to learn control to looking through crochetting patterns with this body's mother. I have gone from being ready for a fight at the drop of a hat to not being able to collect enough anger to do my job.

A friend jokingly said I have gone soft... And it is all too close to home. I talk tough, but my follow through is lacking.

Now I have a strong persecutory alter at my door. He screams and claws on the inside. He causes dizziness and nausea. I feel sick when I eat and nauseous when I don't. I sit in wait, pretending to be waiting out a storm, but really I'm shaking and quaking worried he will never be quiet. What kind of protector am I?

I can't do what needs done. What kind of protector am I?
I am not being strong. What kind of warrior am I?

The warrior is becoming a housewife, and I am terrified.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

To Sensei -- Morrigan

This is a letter to my ninjitsu sensei in the world called Alter.


I know this letter will never reach you as I am sure you do not exist anymore... least not in the way I remember you. But I hope, where ever you are, that you somehow know what I've become. I hope you see me and you are proud of me.

I reminded myself of you last night. I pissed someone off on purpose; I got up in their face. That alone isn't unusual, I know you know that... but this time, Sensei, this time, it wasn't for me; it was for a friend; it was to help a friend. I hope you are proud of me because I care for someone, honestly care for them.

When you knew me, Sensei, I had lost my heart; it was hidden away deep inside. But I met a group of girls that found it for me, that gave my heart back to me, and who aren't letting me hide it ever again.

Sensei, you used to say to me: What's eating at you? What's poisoning your heart? Sensei, I think I can honestly say my heart isn't being poisoned anymore. I can easily say "I love you" and mean it wholeheartedly. Sensei, I hope you're proud of me. I hope I am the person you wanted me to be.

Sensei, I am strong now. I am not the victim you once knew all those years ago. I am strong and I am brave. I have a cause and I have hope for tomorrow.

I never told you this when I had the chance, Sensei, but thank you for seeing me and for believing in me.

You are my hero.

Morrigan Portalis

About Chaos & Justice -- Morrigan

Chaos & Justice are one personality with two aspects. Chaos, the male aspect, is the mischievous destructer. Justice, the female aspect, is the just, ordered part. Together they wreak havoc on anyone who crosses them. They cannot be separated; they are two sides of one coin.

To my knowledge, Chaos has come out twice. The first time, he pretended to be me while texting Nickie and then he wrote a letter of warning on Erin's iPod's Notes app. Yomi used the Notes app days later, but did not see the letter; this was as though she had received a law, even if she did not read it. The letter included the consequences of challenging or resisting Chaos.

Friday, May 13th, the second time Chaos came out was after a long day of Yomi fighting him from taking control. She didn't know who he was and he gave no answer when questioned, so she refused to let him out. This was seen as Yomi resisting Chaos, so there were eventual consequences. that night he hid Erin's underwear and car keys. He also wrote/drew on Erin's stomach while pretending to be Ginko Honey.

Sunday, May 15th, Chaos kidnapped Yomi and hid her, forcing me out in control. He refused to let Yomi go because he was having too much fun. After almost two days of hiding her, Chaos threw Yomi into the Black Room. Yomi had been severely beaten; her body inside the Black Room was broken and bleeding. Chaos said that Yomi must suffer the consequences of her actions (referring to resisting and not letting him out). I temporarily bound her wounds then created a small medical office in the Room of Requirement, where I cleaned her up and dressed her wounds properly.

Yomi came out briefly to talk to Nickie, but was in so much non-physical pain, she could not handle being out in control. She is currently resting in the Medical Bay in the Room of Requirement. I expect her to be there for a few days, possibly all week.

Wednesday, May 18th, Chaos seems to be after me now, as I resisted him from taking over all day yesterday. I'm sure I will rack up quite the list of offenses before Justice catches and passes judgement on me. However, I will fight and resist Chaos & Justice every step of the way because I do not back down from fear-fed tyranny.

My current plan is to resist and challenge and fight Chaos & Justice until they see me as an equal. I hope that when that happens, I am able to negotiate with them and set up truce terms. We shall see if this actually works...

-- Morrigan

The following is a copy of Chaos' letter on the iPod. I am assuming Chaos & Justice named themselves after Chaos wrote the letter:

Chaos is here and I will wreak havoc and begin disasters from within. Challenge me and I will target you first. Resist me and hell breaks loose.

I do this, not because I am hateful or spiteful... I do this for my own entertainment and I am criminally bored.

- The Unnamed One

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

The Road -- Tommi

It's just something I wrote because of life's current stresses and the choices all us alters are having to make.

The Road

I'm walking through the woods on a warm summer day. The woods are quiet and all I hear are my footsteps. As I walk, I come across a road, not much more than an animal track. This road stretches to either side as far as the eye can see. There is no sound but my near silent breaths. My heart begins to pound as I contemplate this trail. Am I brave enough? I ask, as though the forest would answer. Where does it lead? It must go somewhere. Am I brave enough to find out? Do I have the strength to see this through? The forest does not respond and the woods are as silent as ever. So I step out from my place, never to return.


Wednesday, May 4, 2011

A little more about Alter: Video -- Morrigan

I was a bit bored and I found a neat video recording program, so I decided to make a video post instead of a regular post.

I hope you find it informative.

If anyone has any questions they would like answered, feel free to contact Yomi or I through a comment; we will do our best to answer them. We will not take requests for posts from specific alters, but you can ask questions about anything. We reserve the right to not answer if we choose.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Losing Track... -- Yomi

I apparently disappeared a few days ago for a few hours... I wasn't just unconscious like when people sleep, but Morrigan looked for me everywhere, even searching rooms I have barely spoken of here. Before, when I have been asleep, Morrigan can wake me up by calling my name... Apparently she called my name for quite some time, but I didn't answer nor could I hear her.

I don't know where I went, those few hours--seven to be precise--are as blank to me as if they never happened. One moment, I am taking a shower. The next thing I know, I hear Morrigan calling my name, I am lying in bed, and it is the next morning. I'm just glad I didn't have to go to class that day.

Little Erin keeps trying to talk to me about our "same hurt" and it scares me, because I don't know what she's talking about but she insists that it is "verry impornant." My girlfriend seems to think that I've forgotten... but I don't think I knew about it in the first place... But I have blog entries that have my name on them saying I wrote them... but I don't remember writing them.

Little Erin tried talking to me in the middle of church... not her best idea so far. It all resulted in chaos inside the Black Room. Morrigan and Jihan in fighting hand to hand; Little Erin alternating between shouting at me and running from Blissy; Guilt waltzed through the madness at some point; I just huddled under the small force-field dome I erected to protect me from them. I learned later that Guilt was taking care of my body during church to make me look like I was more okay that I actually was.

Things settled down after a while, Jihan and Guilt returned to his apartment, Shiloh took Little Erin to the Room of Requirement, Morrigan shoved me back into Reality. I started distracting myself. I watched "Inception" with my parents... which only served to remind me of arguments Morrigan and I had had back when she still lived in Alter. (We would argue about who's reality was real.) Then I watched "The Fall" which is a phenomenal film that everyone should see before they die. Directly after that was a Bible study, after which I hung out at a friend's house... By time I returned to my parent's house, it was time to sleep. From when I woke up til now, everyone has been silent. Morrigan has not even pipped up to try to convince me to talk to her about recent events. I am truly glad for the quiet this time.

Ever since I have returned from my seemingly random disappearance, I have had a hard time keeping track of who I am. I ask myself questions:

Am I Yomi?
I don't know... The name doesn't seem to fit quite right.
Am I Morrigan?
No, I hear Morrigan clearly protesting.
Who am I? Am I who everyone thinks I am?
I don't know... Am I really Yomi? I don't know... I guess I am?

This scares me. I have always known who I was. There were times where I was afraid of loosing track of myself, but it had never happened before. Morrigan and I have gotten tangled with one another when we have tried to switch too fast or too often, but it didn't take long before one of the two of us extracted ourselves, usually Morrigan.

I thought I had such a good handle of what was going on... But this... I don't know what is happening to us and it's scaring me.