Read This First

We have moved to a different blog: We Choose Harmony

To see why, read this post: From Internal to External.

But feel free to read this blog for background information.

In October of 2010 Erin was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. This blog is to record what is going inside Erin's mind. We don't know what all that will entail... But we are hoping that keeping a record of it will help in some manner. We also hope that maybe, just maybe, that we'll heal from whatever issues that we have and come out victorious.

All personalities or identities within Erin are invited to write here; each entry will be marked with who is writing.

If you are a survivor yourself, there are no trigger warnings on the entries... Please be careful as you navigate this blog. If you are a significant other of someone with DID/MPD, our hope is that this blog may be of some use to you, but please remember that every person with DID is very unique and must be considered as their own case.

Thank you for visiting!

Friday, November 25, 2011

Promises -- Guilt


Last week, our counselor gave us some homework that, I believe, was one of the most important things we could have ever done. She had us write down every thing we wanted. No, that's not a typo, there is supposed to be a space there between Every and Thing. She had us write down small things, big things, minuscule inklings, gigantic dreams, materialistic things, immaterial goals. Every thing we wanted out of our individual lives. And we all (for the most part) did.

I recently have been undergoing a lot of changes, which are not apparent to you blog readers, but I am significantly different than I was even a few weeks ago.

I've stopped living in Alter, which had been my main form of release (stress, etc). That made me want to have fun out here... But that isn't safe for us at all; plus the area in which we live is so rural that I can't find any decent place for dancing. I'm like in hillbilly hell or something.

Again, I know this isn't apparent to anyone who reads this, but there is something I deem more important than anything else, and that's keeping promises. If I say the words "I promise" you can stake your life that it will get done.

This is where our wants and desires come into play. It's finally gotten through my head that in order for me to live a fun life full of freedom and joy, I have to help the others more than I have been. I have to let go of my wild life I used to have, no matter how much I might miss it. And so I made promises to everyone within that I would never put us in situations that are dangerous or frightening, which makes me sad, but I know it's for the best.

And I finally figured out how to describe what it's like going from a wild nightlife to one of responsibility. First of all, this really sucks. But second, it's like going through withdrawals. I've been scrambling around the house looking for good quality chocolate (every girl should know what that means) and trying to distract myself from getting dressed up and walking out the door. It helps that the car is currently broken, but I know I could walk somewhere.

I want to go out and do many things. I want to go get drunk. I want to go dancing. I want to go home with a man or a woman. I want to have fun as defined by me.

But what am I doing?

Before writing this, I was curled up on the couch (on a Friday night) choking back tears from the intense desire to do things I promised to not do. I was watching a chick flick for heavens sake! ("27 Dresses" if anyone is interested). I feel like a drug addict, maybe not to quite that same degree (I've never been on drugs, so I don't know). It's a battle of will. I know I will not lose, for I am strong. But the battle itself is miserable and I hate it with every fiber of myself.

Yet at the same time, I know that I am saving us. I am saving us from fear. Saving us from being used. Saving us from potential diseases. Saving us from anything that could go wrong.

But most of all, I am saving us from


And with every passing moment, I am slowly beginning to live up to my given name:


Friday, November 18, 2011

Happy Birthday Morrigan & Jihan -- Tommi

Today is Morrigan and Jihan Portalis' birthday. We didn't do anything special really, but we have a friend who wants to help us celebrate all our birthdays, so there may be a party in the works or something.

Morrigan came back a little over a week ago (I think) and Yomi actually came back yesterday. Only Sader is missing now and I don't know when NightFall has her return planned.

In any case, here's a picture of the birthday twins.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

NightFall -- Sierra Lime

To explain what has happened, I must start off explaining what happened to Morrigan and Yomi, both of whom have been found, although they have not returned just yet.

Back in August, Morrigan and Yomi were working on old, painful memories. However, the reason they were taken away was to protect them from some things that were coming. Guilt, one of Yomi's protectors, and Jihan, Morrigan's protector, both decided that some people in their lives were going to hurt Yomi and Morrigan too much, so they took them away. The idea was that Tommi, Bloomer, and Ellie would process the events first then would be able to help Yomi and Morrigan with the shock and pain of it all.

However, this triggered someone to wake up who had been dormant for quite some time. She did not have a name, but when Ellie asked for one, she named herself "NightFall." NightFall is part of our subconscious who was given a direct order from Horsie all those years ago to keep our memories, pain, and fears of the man at the playground secret at all costs. Her name comes from the fact that she can only do her job when night falls.

Realizing that memories from the past had been uncovered and would continue to be uncovered, NightFall thought up a plan to reset everyone's memories back to when we did not know about our diagnosis, which involved placing people back in the world of Alter or into a deep slumber. This would have been a flawless plan, except NightFall underestimated the support system we have built and the strength Ellie has within herself.

NightFall took Yomi and Morrigan from Guilt and Jihan and placed them in something I can only describe as a transparent, purple bubble. It caused them to go to sleep. Then, to take care of Sader and Tommi, NightFall scared Sader to lure Tommi into the Black Room and she placed them both in Bubbles. She joined forces with Chaos, who was trying to throw everyone into disorder, and she convinced him to try to keep Ellie out of the Black Room to keep her in the dark about what was going on.

But Ellie kept hearing the thoughts of those within the bubbles. She kept feeling flashes of peoples' feelings or seeing flashes of images of the Black Room, and she drew them. NightFall kept needing to come out here so she could do things more efficiently, and Ellie noticed and remembered even though NightFall would try to make her forget. Finally, Ellie started feeling like something awful was about to happen, and she told our therapist, who took her very seriously.

Our therapist, Cris, did the one thing that changed everything: she got Ellie to understand her authority within the system. Ellie is the only direct split from the Original Erin. This means that she has the most power (in authoritative terms) over everyone inside, especially over a part of the subconscious that is not a full personality. With this knowledge in hand, Ellie ordered NightFall to speak with Cris even though it was daytime and then ordered NightFall to assist Cris with our efforts to heal ourselves.

The first goal NightFall was given was to bring Tommi back before Halloween, which was done. The next goal is to bring Morrigan back before her birthday, November 18th, and Yomi back before Thanksgiving, November 24th. So far, NightFall has been compliant, though reluctantly. However, she can not disobey the order from Ellie, so she will do it.

I took Ginko and Rachel away because I felt disorder and chaos coming and I did not want them caught up in the middle of it all. They are safely hidden and will come back when it is safe for them, which should be after Morrigan and Yomi come back. When I felt the shift from disorder to order, I came back to find out what was happening. Since then, I have made an agreement with Cris to assist her as well by keeping track of how everyone is doing and letting her know.

We are still unsure as to the whereabouts of Bloomer, though Guilt told Cris that he was taken in order for Chaos to release Sader from her slumber. This does not make much sense to me, but hopefully in time we will be able to make sense of it and bring him back as well. However, our priority is bringing Morrigan and Yomi.

I believe this is all for now. We will try to keep updating as things happen, but sometimes it is hard to remember.

-- Sierra Lime

Back in Town -- Tommi

I've actually been back for a week or so, but it took me a while to figure out what happened. I'm still pretty muddy on the details about what happened, so Sierra might have to post about it if I'm not the most accurate.

What I remember is very confusing as it is two lines of memory that seemed to have happened at the exact same time. I am used to living two completely different lives, but the time frames never overlapped. I was either in the world called Alter or out here in Reality doing my job. I never have had those two lives happen simultaneously. That's the part that is most confusing to me.

The first line of memory that I have is very simple and straight-forward. I was a foster kid at Sierra Lime's house and she needed to go on trip for an unknown period of time. Instead of placing me with another foster home, Morrigan agreed to let me stay with her in her apartment. It was summer time, so I didn't have school, though Morrigan did. She was really busy with her culinary arts program and her job at a diner. We didn't see each other very often and when we did it was to go shopping for food and stuff. It was easy. It was so much better than any other home I've lived in, including Sierra's house. Don't get me wrong, I love Sierra and everything she's done for me, but she is never around. So the fact that Morrigan and I went shopping together was a big deal for both of us. I had been living with her for a few months and school was about to start up again, which I was dreading with every fiber of my being.

The second line of memory is stuff that the blog is about. Having DID. Being a boy stuck in a girl's body. Going to therapy. Meeting Yomi, finally. Sader coming. Yomi and Morrigan leaving. Sader calling me for help. Waking up here again.

Ellie and Sierra and NightFall (who will be explained here soon) tell me that I remember all but a few of the really important events. Details are a bit fuzzy, but the more I try to remember, the more they come back to me.

Now that I think about it, I'm going to let Sierra explain what happened, because I don't know how to even begin.

In any case, I'm back. But I'm not exactly thrilled about it.

-- Tommi