Read This First
In October of 2010 Erin was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. This blog is to record what is going inside Erin's mind. We don't know what all that will entail... But we are hoping that keeping a record of it will help in some manner. We also hope that maybe, just maybe, that we'll heal from whatever issues that we have and come out victorious.
All personalities or identities within Erin are invited to write here; each entry will be marked with who is writing.
If you are a survivor yourself, there are no trigger warnings on the entries... Please be careful as you navigate this blog. If you are a significant other of someone with DID/MPD, our hope is that this blog may be of some use to you, but please remember that every person with DID is very unique and must be considered as their own case.
Thank you for visiting!
Friday, September 30, 2011
-- little "Ellie" Erin
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Blissy: The "Perfect" One
Nere is an enigma. He/she is both male and female at the same time, which gives him (for the sake of using simple pronouns) a very androgynous look. When I first met Nere back when I first showed up, he would keep a ragged blanket around him like a cloak and would often keep his face covered. After a while, he relaxed around everyone and allowed his face to show.
Stenno hasn't been around for very long. He maybe came a week or so before Yomi and Morrigan left. We all knew he was coming, but we didn't know who he was. When he finally showed up in the Black Room, he seemed very sad and mournful (I would compare him to a human Eeyore). Morrigan was afraid that he would try to hurt himself, so she kept him in the White Room to keep tabs on him.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
The "About Erin" page has some new information, as well as a modified family tree to include Sader. There are also new pictures in the "Internal Family" album. I hope to have hand-drawn pictures of each of us eventually. That's a project that Yomi started and I don't know when it will be finished.
The Guest Book. I can't believe we haven't done this already. That's a place for comments about the blog in general or even just to say Hi. The only thing we ask is that whatever you write, be considerate.
I'm a little behind on some of the bios, but I hope to get on that soon. Some people or groups, ex: Blissy or Nere, we don't have a lot of information on yet. But I'll try to get onto writing some up about Sader, Sierra Lime, and Yomi Kitty. I think everyone else doesn't have a lot of information to actually write about.
A timeline! Yeah, I just thought of that myself. This will put major events in an easy to read format so you don't have to go flipping through the entire blog to figure out how it all happened. I think I'm just trying to generate work for myself, to be honest, but at least it's helpful.
Also, this is a great place for suggesting what you would like to know more about. It's is also a great place for suggesting new features or informational sections.
To everyone across the world who has been reading, I want to thank you on behalf of everyone inside. Seeing page-view numbers encourages us that someone out there is hearing what we have to say, and, to some of us, being heard is all we want. Thank you Skynes and Anonymous (yeah, I know who you are, but I don't know what else to call you right now), your comments, suggestions, and encouragements have been heard. It makes my day to see that we have a new comment.
Page-views to date. It's not even a year since this blog was started by Yomi Kitty and we already have nearly 2,000 page views! We have people from the USA, UK, Denmark, Germany, and Canada reading (those are only the top five countries). And here's some random information, 59% of the page-views were with the browser Mozilla Firefox. Anyway, thank you everyone!
That's it for now,
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Deserted us. Abandoned us.
Sader... gone inside.
Overwhelming. Have to leave us.
Avye's family... gone.
Rejecting us. It is certain.
It's like everyone I care about. Everyone I love. Every single person I have ever cared about, they're abandoning me. I looked up to Morrigan back when I lived in Alter. She was the strong one; Sierra's success. I love Yomi with everything inside me. All that I am is to protect and love her. Sierra was my savior; she found me and rescued me from a horrible home. I owe her so much for saving me. The three of them abandoned us kids with what seems to be no qualms and no backwards glancing.
If I ever had a little brother, it would be Bloomer. He's a smart little nine year old, but he's my little buddy. He left, and Sader came. She was so unexpected, but I thought maybe if she got strong enough that she could be the Main. Maybe she could help us. But then a voice came to her and she couldn't handle it... so she ran inside... she's not gone, but she's abandoned trying to help me.
And now... people who didn't have to make any promises to me. People who didn't have to care. People who didn't have to do anything but they chose to promise me that they'd stick around forever. Nickie promised everyone in my family that she was going to stick with us no matter what. I told everyone, don't trust, she's going to fail us, she's going to hurt us... But I let myself be convinced that maybe she's different somehow... I let my walls down a little and gave her a bit of my trust. And that trust got thrown in my face. Manipulator. Liar. That's what my best tries have become. Those are the accusations against me. Try explaining to a 6 year old why someone who has made these promises is not around anymore and won't be ever again. Then I thought, hey lets make this night complete, let me find out how badly I've screwed it up with my best friend's family. And they're left us too... I was doing my job. I was protecting Sader. I was doing my best. I didn't know what more I could be doing... and what is my reward? Pain. Hurt. Betrayal... I don't understand it.
I ask what Little Erin asks: Why have you left me? What happened? What have I done? I'm sorry...
One by one, the leaves fall from the tree branches and crinkle underfoot as I walk toward the bluff. Looking to the sky, I see the storm coming, the violent Autumn storm. It will be here within hours, yet I do not move to prepare my home. This storm is well-known for it's destructive power, yet I cannot convince myself to make things ready. It is as though the darkening clouds and raging winds have taken me captive and movement is utterly forbidden.
A cry rises up from my home far behind me. It is a frightened child, my child, and she too senses the coming storm. It has been just her and I for so long now. I long for contact with others, preferably older and maybe wiser than I. But in this deserted place, it is only our two souls against this storm. My child's cry rises again releasing me from captivity.
The wind hurls itself at my body, raging against my freedom. I hurry inside to secure the windows and doors. My child looks mournfully up at me as to say, "I thought you had left me as the others have." once again I am a captive, but now it is to her soundless words. I pick her up to hold her fragile body against my own tryig not to make any promises; for they are trecherous and unreliable.
We do not know why the others in our family left us so long ago. They left behind their memories and fear, inadvertently demanding us to take their places; remembering and fearing in their stead. In this way, the two of us have become burdened, making it even harder to stay in this lonesome home as we ought. What memories and fears have they left behind? We do not understand them, otherwise we would know why they left. But this storm grows closer, and the wind batters at this home seeking it's inhabitants. We can feel it coming... It is upon us.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Last Saturday (Sept 3rd), there was a commotion inside the White Room. I didn't really know what happened until it was over. There was arguing, then Bloomer went missing, then a formless person (I think it was Chaos) was here with a new girl. More arguing, then Little Erin was inside and the new girl was outside. She looks like the body did when Erin was 18.
Come to find out, this new girl is the other half of Yomi that no one knew about, except our counselor. Yomi kept saying she could only remember 6 month spans very clearly and then 6 months it would be a bit hazy. This girl says the same, but the 6 months she remembers distinctly seem to be the spans that Yomi is fuzzy on. Our counselor says this is a pretty big breakthrough because it means our life situation has gotten so safe, this girl could finally come out of hiding like she has been for 3 years.
On my birthday, April 12th, in 2008, Yomi and this girl were outright rejected by the person they were obsessively in love with. This girl couldn't handle it, so she went to sleep and let Yoni take care of it... Like she had done whenever things got hard or negative.
So now she is back, after 3 years of being asleep. She has to deal with everything being different. The room and house she woke up in. Her family lives a completely different lifestyle. Her family is more open and honest about what's going on. They eat much healthier. They live in a different town. She's in college now. Technology is much different.
As knowing too much about everything inside overwhelms her, she has not read our blog or our journal or anything. Switching terrifies her, which is why I had to wait til she as asleep and I managed to stay awake. Her grasp on this reality is so loose; it's a struggle to keep her here some days.
As I type this, she is beginning to wake up, so I need to go. I do not know when the next post will be or when I can respond to comments. I will try, but I simply don't know when.