Read This First

We have moved to a different blog: We Choose Harmony

To see why, read this post: From Internal to External.

But feel free to read this blog for background information.

In October of 2010 Erin was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. This blog is to record what is going inside Erin's mind. We don't know what all that will entail... But we are hoping that keeping a record of it will help in some manner. We also hope that maybe, just maybe, that we'll heal from whatever issues that we have and come out victorious.

All personalities or identities within Erin are invited to write here; each entry will be marked with who is writing.

If you are a survivor yourself, there are no trigger warnings on the entries... Please be careful as you navigate this blog. If you are a significant other of someone with DID/MPD, our hope is that this blog may be of some use to you, but please remember that every person with DID is very unique and must be considered as their own case.

Thank you for visiting!

Friday, September 30, 2011

Missns you -- Ellie

Ims missin Niki an my Bes Frind so many tonigt. Wen they leved me I would no slep with the bear Niki gived me that I named after my Bes Frind. But tonigt ims missn them so much an I jus wants to talk to them ganes. So ims sleping with my Bell Bear an Niki's blanket she leved here one tim. Ims callin to them but no body answers me. I try to feel them an I do no feel my Bes Frind but I feels Niki an she is hurtin verry bad. I wans my frinds bak. Where are they? Why they leved me? I don unterstan, sombody help splain this. Niki ples come bak to me. Bes Frind com bak ples. I missns you. An I no you missns me too. Why? Ples.  

-- little "Ellie" Erin

Thursday, September 29, 2011

About the Others from the Darkness -- Tommi

There are three alters that we do not really know where they have come from or even who they split from. These three alters are Blissy, Nere, and Stenno. They all seem to have similar physical characteristics which leads us to believe that they have all come from the same place. However, that's mostly speculation, and probably will be changed as we begin to understand them more.

Their common features are their hair which is dark and wavy/curly, their eyes which are nearly black, and their skin tone which is light brown tan (except Nere, who is very pale).

Blissy: The "Perfect" One

This is an approximate image of her. Blissy's hair is actually a bit more curly and she has freckles all across her face.

I personally don't know that much about Blissy, but Ellie (Little Erin) knows more. Ellie used to live with Blissy in the Cleaning Room. She seems to be in her late 30's and adheres to a very strict version of Christianity that is rather frightening. She has taught Ellie all sorts of things; for example: it was Ellie's fault that the man at the playground hurt her.

Blissy is also not timid in saying what she believes about other people. She has called Yomi and Nickie abominations for their relationship. She does not believe that Anthros are sentient beings and often calls us Beasts. Blissy believes that Guilt is demon possessed and that is why she is promiscuous.

Blissy is also one of those people that tries very hard to maintain an image of being perfect. Not only does she maintain this image, but I think she actually believes it herself. She is very self-righteous and says that the Bible and God are on her side.

On one or more occasion, Blissy has tried to force her way out and take over. This was because she believed that Yomi wasn't doing a good enough job. Yomi had to leave a church service because Blissy was making her dizzy and nauseous (Yomi seeing a trigger didn't help either). To date, there have only been two times that Blissy has come out and we have known about it. The first time was when Yomi was attending a Christian university. Yomi was going to sleep and Blissy forced her way out, intending to be in control for a few days. Fortunately, Yomi was the one to wake up in the morning. The second time was when the phone lines were out at the parent's house and there was a lot of cleaning that needed done, so Morrigan allowed Blissy to do some of it. Blissy actually tried calling Nickie to break up with her, but she couldn't, fortunately.

Nere: The Mysterious One

This is an approximate image of Nere. However, Nere's hair is much, much shorter and is very curly.

Nere is an enigma. He/she is both male and female at the same time, which gives him (for the sake of using simple pronouns) a very androgynous look. When I first met Nere back when I first showed up, he would keep a ragged blanket around him like a cloak and would often keep his face covered. After a while, he relaxed around everyone and allowed his face to show.

Yomi often describes Nere as a waif, which is rather accurate. It gives this idea that he is all alone, no one understands him, and he is almost insubstantial. Nere is incredibly thin and tall. When he stands, he is 7-feet tall, yet he can curl up in a tiny ball and ends up looking like a little kid. We don't know how old Nere is, or even if he has an age.

According to Nere, he has been around since the beginning and he knows much of what is happening. I know that he has helped Morrigan and Yomi on occasion when everything was confusing and no one knew what was going on. Nere also can only talk in two word or two syllable phrases, so it takes him a long time to explain what he means. He does not like being out at all and it's partly due to the fact that his eyes are a bit more sensitive to light than everyone else. I think this is why he built himself a place to live inside the Wall.

Nere's Tunnel is a pretty neat construction. He built himself three rooms: a main room and two guest rooms. His main room is where he usually spends most of his time and it is the largest of the three rooms. It's about 9 foot wide and only goes about 5 feet back. The ceiling only is about 4 feet, so you have to crouch or crawl around. The other two rooms are about 6 feet by 3 feet and are meant only for sleeping. I used to sleep in the room on the right. Something could be going on in the Black Room and you'd never know it if you're in one of Nere's rooms. They're quiet and dark.

Stenno: The Grudge Keeper

This is an approximate picture of Stenno. He's a bit more tan than this and sometimes he doesn't have facial hair.

Stenno hasn't been around for very long. He maybe came a week or so before Yomi and Morrigan left. We all knew he was coming, but we didn't know who he was. When he finally showed up in the Black Room, he seemed very sad and mournful (I would compare him to a human Eeyore). Morrigan was afraid that he would try to hurt himself, so she kept him in the White Room to keep tabs on him.

When Stenno saw Yomi, he flew into a rage. He was accusing Yomi of not protecting the Original and he decided to try to punish her in any way possible. It manifested in making Yomi so nauseated that she couldn't eat for a few days for fear that she would be sick. It took Morrigan and I both to push him out of the White Room and lock him out. On the inside, mental strength trumps physical strength every time, and Stenno is very mentally strong. Eventually, I took him to stay with Nere, and that's where he's been ever since as far as I know.

Shortly after all that happened, Yomi and Morrigan disappeared and the storm started in the Black Room. I have no idea how Nere and Stenno have fared through that, but I'm thinking that they're fine because of how protected from noise and stuff the rooms are.

Some interesting notes on Stenno is that he changes ages frequently. I've seen him as young as 15 and as old as 30-ish. Sometimes his age changes right in front of your eyes and he'll age backward or forward. Stenno also has no noticeable accent, but his facial features and whatever would suggest that he is of Hispanic descent.

This is what I know about the Others from the Darkness. I'm sure we will learn more about them eventually. However, we're not really trying to figure that out right now. Blissy is off in her own little world, almost literally, and Nere and Stenno are leaving us alone for the most part. Plus, I have other things I need to worry about, so learning more about them is definitely on the back burner for now.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

The Blog: New and Upcoming...

What's New:

The "About Erin" page has some new information, as well as a modified family tree to include Sader. There are also new pictures in the "Internal Family" album. I hope to have hand-drawn pictures of each of us eventually. That's a project that Yomi started and I don't know when it will be finished.

The Guest Book. I can't believe we haven't done this already. That's a place for comments about the blog in general or even just to say Hi. The only thing we ask is that whatever you write, be considerate.

What's Coming: 

I'm a little behind on some of the bios, but I hope to get on that soon. Some people or groups, ex: Blissy or Nere, we don't have a lot of information on yet. But I'll try to get onto writing some up about Sader, Sierra Lime, and Yomi Kitty. I think everyone else doesn't have a lot of information to actually write about.

A timeline! Yeah, I just thought of that myself. This will put major events in an easy to read format so you don't have to go flipping through the entire blog to figure out how it all happened. I think I'm just trying to generate work for myself, to be honest, but at least it's helpful.


Also, this is a great place for suggesting what you would like to know more about. It's is also a great place for suggesting new features or informational sections.

Thank You 

To everyone across the world who has been reading, I want to thank you on behalf of everyone inside. Seeing page-view numbers encourages us that someone out there is hearing what we have to say, and, to some of us, being heard is all we want. Thank you Skynes and Anonymous (yeah, I know who you are, but I don't know what else to call you right now), your comments, suggestions, and encouragements have been heard. It makes my day to see that we have a new comment.

Page-views to date. It's not even a year since this blog was started by Yomi Kitty and we already have nearly 2,000 page views! We have people from the USA, UK, Denmark, Germany, and Canada reading (those are only the top five countries). And here's some random information, 59% of the page-views were with the browser Mozilla Firefox. Anyway, thank you everyone!

That's it for now,

-- Tommi

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Desertion -- Tommi

Morrigan... left.
Yomi... left.
Sierra... left.
Deserted us. Abandoned us.

Bloomer... gone.
Sader... here.
Sader... gone inside.
Overwhelming. Have to leave us.

Nickie... gone.
Avye's family... gone.
Rejecting us. It is certain.

It's like everyone I care about. Everyone I love. Every single person I have ever cared about, they're abandoning me. I looked up to Morrigan back when I lived in Alter. She was the strong one; Sierra's success. I love Yomi with everything inside me. All that I am is to protect and love her. Sierra was my savior; she found me and rescued me from a horrible home. I owe her so much for saving me. The three of them abandoned us kids with what seems to be no qualms and no backwards glancing.

If I ever had a little brother, it would be Bloomer. He's a smart little nine year old, but he's my little buddy. He left, and Sader came. She was so unexpected, but I thought maybe if she got strong enough that she could be the Main. Maybe she could help us. But then a voice came to her and she couldn't handle it... so she ran inside... she's not gone, but she's abandoned trying to help me.

And now... people who didn't have to make any promises to me. People who didn't have to care. People who didn't have to do anything but they chose to promise me that they'd stick around forever. Nickie promised everyone in my family that she was going to stick with us no matter what. I told everyone, don't trust, she's going to fail us, she's going to hurt us... But I let myself be convinced that maybe she's different somehow... I let my walls down a little and gave her a bit of my trust. And that trust got thrown in my face. Manipulator. Liar. That's what my best tries have become. Those are the accusations against me. Try explaining to a 6 year old why someone who has made these promises is not around anymore and won't be ever again. Then I thought, hey lets make this night complete, let me find out how badly I've screwed it up with my best friend's family. And they're left us too... I was doing my job. I was protecting Sader. I was doing my best. I didn't know what more I could be doing... and what is my reward? Pain. Hurt. Betrayal... I don't understand it.

I ask what Little Erin asks: Why have you left me? What happened? What have I done? I'm sorry...

The Storm (Story) -- Tommi

A fictitious dramatization of what is happening inside.


One by one, the leaves fall from the tree branches and crinkle underfoot as I walk toward the bluff. Looking to the sky, I see the storm coming, the violent Autumn storm. It will be here within hours, yet I do not move to prepare my home. This storm is well-known for it's destructive power, yet I cannot convince myself to make things ready. It is as though the darkening clouds and raging winds have taken me captive and movement is utterly forbidden.

A cry rises up from my home far behind me. It is a frightened child, my child, and she too senses the coming storm. It has been just her and I for so long now. I long for contact with others, preferably older and maybe wiser than I. But in this deserted place, it is only our two souls against this storm. My child's cry rises again releasing me from captivity.

The wind hurls itself at my body, raging against my freedom. I hurry inside to secure the windows and doors. My child looks mournfully up at me as to say, "I thought you had left me as the others have." once again I am a captive, but now it is to her soundless words. I pick her up to hold her fragile body against my own tryig not to make any promises; for they are trecherous and unreliable.

We do not know why the others in our family left us so long ago. They left behind their memories and fear, inadvertently demanding us to take their places; remembering and fearing in their stead. In this way, the two of us have become burdened, making it even harder to stay in this lonesome home as we ought. What memories and fears have they left behind? We do not understand them, otherwise we would know why they left. But this storm grows closer, and the wind batters at this home seeking it's inhabitants. We can feel it coming... It is upon us.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Fragility -- Tommi

A few important things have happened.

Last Saturday (Sept 3rd), there was a commotion inside the White Room. I didn't really know what happened until it was over. There was arguing, then Bloomer went missing, then a formless person (I think it was Chaos) was here with a new girl. More arguing, then Little Erin was inside and the new girl was outside. She looks like the body did when Erin was 18.

Come to find out, this new girl is the other half of Yomi that no one knew about, except our counselor. Yomi kept saying she could only remember 6 month spans very clearly and then 6 months it would be a bit hazy. This girl says the same, but the 6 months she remembers distinctly seem to be the spans that Yomi is fuzzy on. Our counselor says this is a pretty big breakthrough because it means our life situation has gotten so safe, this girl could finally come out of hiding like she has been for 3 years.

On my birthday, April 12th, in 2008, Yomi and this girl were outright rejected by the person they were obsessively in love with. This girl couldn't handle it, so she went to sleep and let Yoni take care of it... Like she had done whenever things got hard or negative.

So now she is back, after 3 years of being asleep. She has to deal with everything being different. The room and house she woke up in. Her family lives a completely different lifestyle. Her family is more open and honest about what's going on. They eat much healthier. They live in a different town. She's in college now. Technology is much different.

As knowing too much about everything inside overwhelms her, she has not read our blog or our journal or anything. Switching terrifies her, which is why I had to wait til she as asleep and I managed to stay awake. Her grasp on this reality is so loose; it's a struggle to keep her here some days.

As I type this, she is beginning to wake up, so I need to go. I do not know when the next post will be or when I can respond to comments. I will try, but I simply don't know when.


Thursday, September 1, 2011

Siren Call -- Bloomer

I can hear them calling me. I don't know their name. But it's an inexpressable need to return to the world within, to leave, to disappear. I don't want to leave. I want to stay here with Little Erin and Tommi. I want to stay and continue learning at college. But it's so very strong; the call is like pain. I need to leave but I need to stay. I cannot abandon Little Erin as the others did. I can't go. But I'm afraid I can't stay. Im scared. Tommi is doing what he can and the call is barely weakened. It started this afternoon and has been getting stronger. I don't want to leave. I can't leave. I shouldn't leave. Who would do our math? Tommi would fail our anatomy and physiology class. I have so many reasons to stay, but this call is makes them feel insignificant. I don't know what to do. --Bloomer