Read This First

We have moved to a different blog: We Choose Harmony

To see why, read this post: From Internal to External.

But feel free to read this blog for background information.

In October of 2010 Erin was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. This blog is to record what is going inside Erin's mind. We don't know what all that will entail... But we are hoping that keeping a record of it will help in some manner. We also hope that maybe, just maybe, that we'll heal from whatever issues that we have and come out victorious.

All personalities or identities within Erin are invited to write here; each entry will be marked with who is writing.

If you are a survivor yourself, there are no trigger warnings on the entries... Please be careful as you navigate this blog. If you are a significant other of someone with DID/MPD, our hope is that this blog may be of some use to you, but please remember that every person with DID is very unique and must be considered as their own case.

Thank you for visiting!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Desertion -- Tommi

Morrigan... left.
Yomi... left.
Sierra... left.
Deserted us. Abandoned us.

Bloomer... gone.
Sader... here.
Sader... gone inside.
Overwhelming. Have to leave us.

Nickie... gone.
Avye's family... gone.
Rejecting us. It is certain.

It's like everyone I care about. Everyone I love. Every single person I have ever cared about, they're abandoning me. I looked up to Morrigan back when I lived in Alter. She was the strong one; Sierra's success. I love Yomi with everything inside me. All that I am is to protect and love her. Sierra was my savior; she found me and rescued me from a horrible home. I owe her so much for saving me. The three of them abandoned us kids with what seems to be no qualms and no backwards glancing.

If I ever had a little brother, it would be Bloomer. He's a smart little nine year old, but he's my little buddy. He left, and Sader came. She was so unexpected, but I thought maybe if she got strong enough that she could be the Main. Maybe she could help us. But then a voice came to her and she couldn't handle it... so she ran inside... she's not gone, but she's abandoned trying to help me.

And now... people who didn't have to make any promises to me. People who didn't have to care. People who didn't have to do anything but they chose to promise me that they'd stick around forever. Nickie promised everyone in my family that she was going to stick with us no matter what. I told everyone, don't trust, she's going to fail us, she's going to hurt us... But I let myself be convinced that maybe she's different somehow... I let my walls down a little and gave her a bit of my trust. And that trust got thrown in my face. Manipulator. Liar. That's what my best tries have become. Those are the accusations against me. Try explaining to a 6 year old why someone who has made these promises is not around anymore and won't be ever again. Then I thought, hey lets make this night complete, let me find out how badly I've screwed it up with my best friend's family. And they're left us too... I was doing my job. I was protecting Sader. I was doing my best. I didn't know what more I could be doing... and what is my reward? Pain. Hurt. Betrayal... I don't understand it.

I ask what Little Erin asks: Why have you left me? What happened? What have I done? I'm sorry...
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2 comments:

  1. AnonymousSeptember 23, 2011 at 9:30 AM

    I am reminded of one of the first and hardest rules to accept about strategy: "Be willing to be wrong because a lot of the time you will be." Another rule goes along the lines of: "Whether it be success or failure, learn what you can and use what you learn."

    There is also a couple lines from the movie "Batman Begins" that come to mind:
    "Why do we fall?"
    "So that we can learn to pick ourselves up."

    If you take another look with a fresh set of eyes and no assumptions, I believe you will find that things are not as bleak as they appear. Even the smallest detail can change the whole picture.

    Well, that's my 20 cents. Until next time.

    ReplyDelete
  2. ErinSeptember 25, 2011 at 12:21 PM

    Thanks, I appreciate your words. I also like our sister's words, "Sometimes... Life just sucks." I don't really know how we're doing. Though Ellie (Little Erin) likes to say that we're not doing better, we're just doing different. And I think she's absolutely right. We won't be better for a while. Even before this mess happened, we weren't doing better... so we're just learning and doing things differently. That's all we can do really. Thanks again.

    -- Tommi

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A comment? Thanks. You're awesome.

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