Read This First

We have moved to a different blog: We Choose Harmony

To see why, read this post: From Internal to External.

But feel free to read this blog for background information.

In October of 2010 Erin was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. This blog is to record what is going inside Erin's mind. We don't know what all that will entail... But we are hoping that keeping a record of it will help in some manner. We also hope that maybe, just maybe, that we'll heal from whatever issues that we have and come out victorious.

All personalities or identities within Erin are invited to write here; each entry will be marked with who is writing.

If you are a survivor yourself, there are no trigger warnings on the entries... Please be careful as you navigate this blog. If you are a significant other of someone with DID/MPD, our hope is that this blog may be of some use to you, but please remember that every person with DID is very unique and must be considered as their own case.

Thank you for visiting!

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

About the Anguish -- Yomi

Some people say that we never stop loving our first love, and, to a certain extent, I think it's true. That person holds a special role because they were the one who taught us how to love another, whether they are conscious of the lessoning or not.

But what happens when your first love never returned the sentiment? What kind of grief tears and rends' the lover's heart? This rending I know all too well.

On to of that rending grief, imagine having kept the love--such an enormous expenditure of the heart--secret for years? Imagine the grief then. This too I know too well.

For the sake of conversation, I shall call him "John," which is not his real name, not that it really matters much. This John, I met him nearly ten years ago, which could even be eleven years at this point; I fell in love with him almost immediately, though it took me at least four years to understand that. I was only twelve at the time, so I suppose my confusion was understandable.

After the realization that I did, in fact, love John, I cannot begin to describe the grief it brought me. I knew from the beginning that it would never go anywhere with John and I. I was the girl next door, the best friend who happened to be a girl, the person with whom he could talk about anything. I adored the friendship we had made and I was loathe to change the status quo. Our friendship was easy, simple and I didn't dare complicate it with something I so firmly believed would not work. So I stayed silent for three years after the discovery.

It was painful, beyond painful. It was agony. Love is not something to be locked away, but I did so everyday, only unchaining it at night to ravage my heart and soul. I still bear the scars.

When I could take it no longer, I decided to breach the subject with John... It took me a year, but I finally did it, though it caused even more anguish since he did not return my feelings. More grief followed, as did awkward meetings after our discussion, but we both pushed through it.

Four months later, all the grief from seven long, horrible years of hidden, secretive love, it was all turned off as a light blinks out with the flick of a switch.

I was grateful; I thought it was an answered prayer from God; an answer that lasted two and a half years.

Then I met the Anguish with its overwhelming sorrow and grief that is a shocking blow. My first meeting with the Anguish all I could manage to do was cry with heaving sobs, not understanding what was happening. Since then, I have gained insight as to what the Anguish is exactly; Morrigan has been quite helpful here.

When I would communicate with it in order to figure out what memories and emotions created it, the Anguish would only reply with mild things: homesickness for Okinawa, losing friends due to moving, or my dad suddenly not spending time with me... Not even all these things together accounted for the sheer enormousness that is Anguish. It was Morrigan who finally figured it out.

I woke up one morning to find a note from Morrigan that read: You idiot! The Anguish holds onto your grief for John that you never processed properly. Have fun with that.

And this is where the dots connected: the prolonged grief, its sudden disappearance, Anguish's massiveness... It all makes sense...

Now I must wrestle with this grief a second time. I can only hope my present situation is better so it does not throw me into another downward suicidal spiral as it did the first time around.

Here's to second chances.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

A Day in the Life -- Morrigan

We had gotten in a fight last night, Yomi and I. Yomi thought it would be a good idea for me to be in control for a day to see what it was like and to know [how] her schedule worked. "Better now when we are in control of the situation rather than wait until we have no choice." That was her idea. I wasn't so sure about this. Sure, I had made mention of possibly talking to Roberta, but I didn't think Yomi would actually let me do it.

I apparently lost the fight since I was the one to wake up this morning. Yomi has been absent for the most part, unless I needed her knowledge about people and places.

Attending Physics class reminded me of my GED classes... Highly unpleasant with a condescending teacher.

Yomi's art class... She had told me that the prof knew about us and would allow us to use the studio as a safe place, but I didn't believe. I was told they were still critiquing midterms and I wouldn't have to participate. They were all working on drawings when I walked in. When I spoke with Yomi's teacher, he seemed to understand that I wasn't Yomi and he allowed me to stay even though I wasn't working; I didn't want to have to interact with Yomi's family any more than I had to. So I stayed and took a nap, leaving when people were putting away their things. The professor said to tell Yomi "hi".

Then I drove back to Yomi's house, fulling expecting and hoping for the place to be empty. No such luck, but Yomi is a simple person to impersonate... It was like I have done this many times before.

Counseling was much different than I am used to. My old counselor, Kimberly, allowed me to discuss whatever I wanted really. However, Roberta led the conversation and asked poignant questions; I see why Yomi likes her.

And now I write, trying to appear to those in the house like I am Yomi, a boring task.


A note from Yomi:

Morrigan and I have discussed what she meant by "It was like I have done this many times before." It seems that she can vaguely remember coming out in my stead and acting like me before this time. This is not unusual from what I've been told of MPD cases, rather, it seems to be expected.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

About Marie-Shiloh -- Yomi

Of all the alters, Marie-Shiloh is perhaps the one I know the least about. Whenever I have tried to ask questions, they have always been avoided, deflected, or ignored. In spite of that, I do know some interesting things.

I first noticed Marie-Shiloh's presence back in middle school when my family first moved to Illinois; this would be about ten years ago now. She really just "lurked" at the back of my mind until the summer of my second year of college. What I mean by "lurking" is that I could sense a presence, not my own, with me in my own mind. The main reason why this did not terrify me, I believe, is that my friends and I would draw characters from our imaginations constantly. I thought that this "lurker" was merely a character that was reluctant to come forward and introduce herself. I thought that my friends felt this lurking sensation when they were creating characters; I thought it was my imagination working and creating.

Over that past two years, I have learned some very important things about Marie-Shiloh. First, Marie-Shiloh is actually two alters. I'm not sure when it happened, but Shiloh split off from Marie to be the protector. Yes, this does in fact mean that Marie has MPD as well, which is just highly interesting and, from what I've understood, is rather unusual. Second, until very recently, Shiloh would be in control about 95% of the time; the only times I saw Marie were when she was freaking out about one thing or another, usually it was because she thought someone was chasing her. Since I asked Marie-Shiloh if she wanted to stay in the Room of Requirement, Marie has been in control much more often; in fact, whenever I see her, it is usually Marie and not Shiloh in control. This is helpful because I do not know much about Marie's personal history.

The little I do know is that Shiloh helped her escape from a mental institution. When asked about what happened, Shiloh replies with "she had a bad experience," which isn't helpful at all. When I spoke to Marie the first time, she was super paranoid and was convinced that someone was drugging her and, while she was unconscious, moving her to different locations. When I finally talked to Shiloh, I immediately understood what was going on, however, Shiloh did not wish Marie to know about his existence. Marie, as far as I know, still knows nothing about Shiloh. As for Shiloh's personality, he's a rather 2-dimensional person; he exists to protect Marie from anything that might harm her, that's as far as it goes.

Within the past week and a half, I made a new discovery. I was cleaning out my room in my parent's house and I found some old t-shirts from when my family lived on Okinawa, Japan. Wonderfully enough, some of the shirts still fit since they swamped me back then. One of the shirts was from a program called Young Marines, which is a Marine version of ROTC but you can be in it from a much younger age. I made a comment to my mom about finding it, and Marie answered saying that she had been in Young Marines when she was younger too. This was a shock because Marie doesn't usually initiate conversation and this was my first time realizing that my alters and I had the same memories about different things. After discussing it with Marie, our memories about Young Marines were almost identical, which means that Marie was definitely around for Okinawa. Nickie's current theory about that is that Marie was the personality in control when my family lived on Okinawa. The switch from her to me would have theoretically happened sometime between Okinawa and Illinois... The theory isn't solid, but it makes a bit of sense.

I have maybe two drawings of Marie-Shiloh; one from middle school, and one from summer 2009. I am not very sure what I have done with either drawing, which is rather frustrating. She is also beginning to change her appearance as I get to know her; this is a phenomenon I have seen with Morrigan as well. The more I get to know Marie, the more human she becomes.

Originally, Marie was a feline Anthro with dark purple and bright orange stripe markings. I stopped drawing her, because a good friend of mine told me the design was ugly, so I put it down only to pick it back up almost ten years later. As Marie has become more human, I noticed that she has an Asian look to her, but she would not be full Asian. She has straight black hair a few inches past her shoulders, almond shaped eyes, and dark-ish skin. I say that she is not full Asian because her face structure is not quite right.

This is really all I know about Marie-Shiloh. I'll post some pictures when I find them.