Read This First

We have moved to a different blog: We Choose Harmony

To see why, read this post: From Internal to External.

But feel free to read this blog for background information.

In October of 2010 Erin was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. This blog is to record what is going inside Erin's mind. We don't know what all that will entail... But we are hoping that keeping a record of it will help in some manner. We also hope that maybe, just maybe, that we'll heal from whatever issues that we have and come out victorious.

All personalities or identities within Erin are invited to write here; each entry will be marked with who is writing.

If you are a survivor yourself, there are no trigger warnings on the entries... Please be careful as you navigate this blog. If you are a significant other of someone with DID/MPD, our hope is that this blog may be of some use to you, but please remember that every person with DID is very unique and must be considered as their own case.

Thank you for visiting!

Thursday, November 29, 2012

One and Only -- Grace

"A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself-and especially to feel, or not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at any moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is. Most people love you for who you pretend to be. To keep their love, you keep pretending - performing. You get to love your pretense. It's true, we're locked in an image, an act - and the sad thing is, people get so used to their image, they grow attached to their masks. They love their chains. They forget all about who they really are. And if you try to remind them, they hate you for it, they feel like you're trying to steal their most precious possession.”

Exclusive. Lone. Individual. Unique. Special. Uncommon. Single. Rare. Peerless. Matchless. Unparalleled. Treasure

That is what every individual identity is across the world. Not just those of us within Erin. But those within you, your neighbor, your brother, your sister, you friends, your teachers, your parents. Every identity you come across is one of a kind; you won't be able to find someone precisely like them. 

It's because of this that some of the things we do piss me off to no end. Erin as a whole is unique; not because of our DID, but because Erin is an individual human being. Within Erin we have separate identities, each of which is also unique. We each have different backgrounds, experiences, fears, dreams, tastes. 

Bloomer loves bots and mecha. Ellie loves My Little Pony and fish sticks (funny story in that, actually). Tommi loves coffee and Fringe. Naomi loves fantasy RPGs and Mara: Daughter of the Nile. Marie will soon be on her way to figuring out what she likes and dislikes. I, personally, love listening to the stories the others read.

And then we come to Morrigan (yes, this post is mostly about my views on her, and, in many ways, it is directed towards her). She loves Lie To Me and mock-fighting. She has impressed me with her abilities of leadership and compassion for identities within and without. Morrigan is so careful to take everyone's opinions and include them in her decisions and actions. She knows how to weigh priorities and sort through the little things to find what is really important. Morrigan is so talented. She's a great singer. Wonderful friend. Compassionate leader. She is everything we could ask for and want... And I wish to share her with the world because she has so much to offer. 

I'm not saying that I want her to stretch herself to the limit to give everything to everyone. She often tells those of us within that she "is not superwoman." I merely want people around us to see what a beautiful identity she really has become. She loves people so intensely, yet she constantly hides herself. Time and time again, I watch as she quietly holds out the basic front we consider to be Erin. Morrigan puts up barriers thinking that people don't want to see her, that they don't want to listen to her. The most obvious symptom of this is the way she hides her voice.

I understand how difficult is is for some of us to explain away the way we talk. Ellie, for example, is afraid of people not understanding why her voice is so tiny, so she hides it when those who don't know about our multiple identities are around. This is completely justifiable and it's a much needed precaution many times. However, Ellie knows that, when she is around those who know, she can drop the front and be herself in all her adorable glory. I, myself, have to pay attention to how I talk so I don't swear so much, as people are not used to Erin cussing. I had to restrain myself earlier tonight talking with our mom because I know she really dislikes swearing and I respect her immensely.

So I understand that Morrigan conceals her accent when she is at school, where the mass majority of people have no clue about our multiplicity. This makes sense: it avoids difficult or awkward questions and it protects us from people who may be afraid and treat us differently. This is what I simply cannot understand: Why is it so damn hard for Morrigan to be her accented self when around her closest of friends? She has so few that she calls her close friends, yet she is afraid that her accent is going to somehow scare them off. We have told them about our DID; some of them have seen the negative effects of being a multiple. None of those who she has trusted has decided it is too much, and, yet, she thinks her accent, something that is relatively minor, will be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

Morrigan has told me before that when she conceals her accent, she feels as though she is a bold-faced liar. She is so concerned with being herself, just like every other identity with Erin. She struggles with it alongside the rest of us. There is a dichotomy within us: how do we be our individual selves yet present a cohesive whole to the general public? I fear that she has taken our cohesiveness too personally.

Yes, I have spoken at length with Morrigan about this. Yes, she understands and agrees with my concerns. She also is actively struggling with how to remedy the situation.

I wish there was some way I help her more. Support her more as she has supported the rest of us. Tommi and I have tried to bolster her courage by lending her confidence. She has prayed to her God at length and has petitioned Him many times. I, honestly, have half a mind to just talk to those who she is afraid of scaring off and proving to her that they are far more hardy and loyal than she is currently realizing.

However, I know one day she will have the courage to be the gorgeous, shining, sensational individual that is within her. I see it smoldering in her heart like embers begging for a breath of air. She'll get there, but my greatest fear is that, for a few of her current friends, eventually may be too late.

-- Grace