Read This First

We have moved to a different blog: We Choose Harmony

To see why, read this post: From Internal to External.

But feel free to read this blog for background information.

In October of 2010 Erin was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. This blog is to record what is going inside Erin's mind. We don't know what all that will entail... But we are hoping that keeping a record of it will help in some manner. We also hope that maybe, just maybe, that we'll heal from whatever issues that we have and come out victorious.

All personalities or identities within Erin are invited to write here; each entry will be marked with who is writing.

If you are a survivor yourself, there are no trigger warnings on the entries... Please be careful as you navigate this blog. If you are a significant other of someone with DID/MPD, our hope is that this blog may be of some use to you, but please remember that every person with DID is very unique and must be considered as their own case.

Thank you for visiting!

Thursday, November 29, 2012

One and Only -- Grace

"A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself-and especially to feel, or not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at any moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is. Most people love you for who you pretend to be. To keep their love, you keep pretending - performing. You get to love your pretense. It's true, we're locked in an image, an act - and the sad thing is, people get so used to their image, they grow attached to their masks. They love their chains. They forget all about who they really are. And if you try to remind them, they hate you for it, they feel like you're trying to steal their most precious possession.”

Exclusive. Lone. Individual. Unique. Special. Uncommon. Single. Rare. Peerless. Matchless. Unparalleled. Treasure

That is what every individual identity is across the world. Not just those of us within Erin. But those within you, your neighbor, your brother, your sister, you friends, your teachers, your parents. Every identity you come across is one of a kind; you won't be able to find someone precisely like them. 

It's because of this that some of the things we do piss me off to no end. Erin as a whole is unique; not because of our DID, but because Erin is an individual human being. Within Erin we have separate identities, each of which is also unique. We each have different backgrounds, experiences, fears, dreams, tastes. 

Bloomer loves bots and mecha. Ellie loves My Little Pony and fish sticks (funny story in that, actually). Tommi loves coffee and Fringe. Naomi loves fantasy RPGs and Mara: Daughter of the Nile. Marie will soon be on her way to figuring out what she likes and dislikes. I, personally, love listening to the stories the others read.

And then we come to Morrigan (yes, this post is mostly about my views on her, and, in many ways, it is directed towards her). She loves Lie To Me and mock-fighting. She has impressed me with her abilities of leadership and compassion for identities within and without. Morrigan is so careful to take everyone's opinions and include them in her decisions and actions. She knows how to weigh priorities and sort through the little things to find what is really important. Morrigan is so talented. She's a great singer. Wonderful friend. Compassionate leader. She is everything we could ask for and want... And I wish to share her with the world because she has so much to offer. 

I'm not saying that I want her to stretch herself to the limit to give everything to everyone. She often tells those of us within that she "is not superwoman." I merely want people around us to see what a beautiful identity she really has become. She loves people so intensely, yet she constantly hides herself. Time and time again, I watch as she quietly holds out the basic front we consider to be Erin. Morrigan puts up barriers thinking that people don't want to see her, that they don't want to listen to her. The most obvious symptom of this is the way she hides her voice.

I understand how difficult is is for some of us to explain away the way we talk. Ellie, for example, is afraid of people not understanding why her voice is so tiny, so she hides it when those who don't know about our multiple identities are around. This is completely justifiable and it's a much needed precaution many times. However, Ellie knows that, when she is around those who know, she can drop the front and be herself in all her adorable glory. I, myself, have to pay attention to how I talk so I don't swear so much, as people are not used to Erin cussing. I had to restrain myself earlier tonight talking with our mom because I know she really dislikes swearing and I respect her immensely.

So I understand that Morrigan conceals her accent when she is at school, where the mass majority of people have no clue about our multiplicity. This makes sense: it avoids difficult or awkward questions and it protects us from people who may be afraid and treat us differently. This is what I simply cannot understand: Why is it so damn hard for Morrigan to be her accented self when around her closest of friends? She has so few that she calls her close friends, yet she is afraid that her accent is going to somehow scare them off. We have told them about our DID; some of them have seen the negative effects of being a multiple. None of those who she has trusted has decided it is too much, and, yet, she thinks her accent, something that is relatively minor, will be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

Morrigan has told me before that when she conceals her accent, she feels as though she is a bold-faced liar. She is so concerned with being herself, just like every other identity with Erin. She struggles with it alongside the rest of us. There is a dichotomy within us: how do we be our individual selves yet present a cohesive whole to the general public? I fear that she has taken our cohesiveness too personally.

Yes, I have spoken at length with Morrigan about this. Yes, she understands and agrees with my concerns. She also is actively struggling with how to remedy the situation.

I wish there was some way I help her more. Support her more as she has supported the rest of us. Tommi and I have tried to bolster her courage by lending her confidence. She has prayed to her God at length and has petitioned Him many times. I, honestly, have half a mind to just talk to those who she is afraid of scaring off and proving to her that they are far more hardy and loyal than she is currently realizing.

However, I know one day she will have the courage to be the gorgeous, shining, sensational individual that is within her. I see it smoldering in her heart like embers begging for a breath of air. She'll get there, but my greatest fear is that, for a few of her current friends, eventually may be too late.

-- Grace


  1. I can see both sides to this and I agree that having even a little bit of release will help a lot in the long run. I have been having some similar issues at times when I tried to bring some of the aspects of my mindscape self over to this side. Sometimes it meets with success (no negative change meaning that I no longer have to worry about hiding that aspect in that situation); other times I just end up with frustration or I stir up confusion in others (my ability to grasp opposite extremes simultaneously could come off as me being indecisive, pessimistic, or some other misinterpretation for example). There are times that I feel like I just wasted my effort, but as a strategist, I know that restricting my own tactics and resources tends to do more harm than good.

    Regardless of whether it's on this side or in the mindscape, having release is important and I hope that Morrigan finds what she needs. The masks have their uses, but sometimes you need to discard the armor to protect from incoming attacks.

    Well, that's my 20 cents. Until next time.

  2. To Grace should you see this first -- please pass it on to Morrigan, or Morrigan, should she read this first instead:

    You guys are consistently amazing, to me. I'll admit I haven't been able to spend as much time with you all as I would have liked, but when you all come to the coffee shop, I always have fun with whoever is out that day. And I haven't yet been disappointed with anyone I've met :) But Morrigan, dearest, you are indeed as Grace says - you are a fantastic and very well collected leader-figure and "front man", so to speak, for everyone. But even you need your people to lean on dear. You have me, and you have Gallahad, and even Fox, and RushNut (I hope the aliases give away the real names of ppl I'm referring to, at least for you guys.) I want you to know, that no matter what, you will always have us for whatever you need that we can help with. Like during the "mash-up", when I told you that we were determined to fix the problem, one way or another....yeah, like that, you can count on us. We told you that you guys were part of our family now, and we meant that. I know Fox is really having a fun time trying to keep track of all we've told her about you, and she really seems to like you guys, and especially liked hanging with Morrigan that one night up here after hours. You hang in there, and lean on those that want to support you. And again, I agree with Grace, when you're with all of us Morrigan --- Use The Accent! :P Gallahad and I are the only ones to get to hear it so far, and we like it...its very becoming :) Grace, Thank you so much for supporting Morrigan as you have. And to Tommi -- I miss ya dude, really looking forward to hanging again sometime and chilling with an iced coffee :) And Bloomer...buddy, you are truly a cool kid!! I'm really, REALLY glad to know you want to hang out with me....with all of us....and if you ever need anything, you can call on us too, anytime, anywhere - it's been a truly fun time watching "Forward Unto Dawn" and playing Halo with you! :D And to Ellie, even though we haven't been "formally" introduced, I know you've spent time up here with Soph...she has fun with you :) And Gallahad and I (if you don't know who that is, Morrigan and Tommi can tell you) are here for you too...let us know if you need something, ok sweety?

    Guys, you got our numbers so please, feel free to call anytime alright? Miss you guys!


  3. Morrigan just be yourself don't hide your accent is very pretty I love it you need to use it more often!!!!!


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