Read This First

We have moved to a different blog: We Choose Harmony

To see why, read this post: From Internal to External.

But feel free to read this blog for background information.

In October of 2010 Erin was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. This blog is to record what is going inside Erin's mind. We don't know what all that will entail... But we are hoping that keeping a record of it will help in some manner. We also hope that maybe, just maybe, that we'll heal from whatever issues that we have and come out victorious.

All personalities or identities within Erin are invited to write here; each entry will be marked with who is writing.

If you are a survivor yourself, there are no trigger warnings on the entries... Please be careful as you navigate this blog. If you are a significant other of someone with DID/MPD, our hope is that this blog may be of some use to you, but please remember that every person with DID is very unique and must be considered as their own case.

Thank you for visiting!

Saturday, February 19, 2011

And I wonder, should this worry me? -- Yomi

It's been a long while since I've posted and so much has happened... Yet at the same time, not much at all...

Since Guilt forced me to deal with things, people in my head have gotten quieter. It took what seemed like a long time, but I have been able to sleep without seeing that man. A few nights ago, I even started sleeping without a nightlight or the closet light on. So, I guess that's progress...

My personal life has been chaotic and stressful. My car broke down as my girlfriend and I were trying to get to her relative's house; taking care of that was... very stressful. I have been living at my parent's house for the past few weeks. They have offered me a place to stay, and eventually Nickie too, while we get back on our feet. Things started out very rough with my parents... It felt like I couldn't enter a room without feeling imaginary guilt for something, just like it was back in high school.

All the stress compounded and eventually my mind when into lock down mode. I could not enter the Black Room, nor could I communicate with Little Erin via her walky-talky or Morrigan via her cell phone. I didn't hear from anyone for several days until I was baking a cake and Morrigan was getting upset with something I was doing wrong and she was able to get through some how. (By the way, if you do not have a sifter for your powdered sugar, a whisk works equally as well.)

It was only when I made my way back to central Illinois to the Roy's house (where Nickie and I had been staying since December) did the Black Room open up again. The moment it opened, Guilt yelled, "It's about fucking time!" It made me smile a lot; I hadn't realized how weird it was to have such a quiet mind. However, since it's opened back up, I still haven't heard much from the others and it's become harder to enter the Black Room. My theory is that I'm just not relaxed enough to be able to do it well.

I'm not sure if this should worry me. I mean, large amounts of stress does weird things to everyone, so it makes sense to me that something like that could happen. I think what bothers me more is how quiet everyone has been. It makes me wonder if it is the quiet before a storm or if it is just going to be calmer for a while.

If there is a "storm" coming, my next worry is about my parents with whom I am currently staying. My mom only today gave any indication that she thinks I have MPD; I had told her when it was confirmed by my counselor. I don't know how they'll take me not being me at some point. What if Guilt comes out when they're around? Or Morrigan? Heaven forbid, Blissy. Little Erin and Guilt have come around when it was very late at night and they both promised to not leave my bedroom. But during the day, I might not have that luxury. It is so common for people with MPD to go to sleep and wake up days later not knowing where they are or how they got there. I've taken it for granted that it's not happened to me, but I must wonder what will happen if it ever does... I just hope my parents are understanding enough to believe me when their daughter tells them her name isn't Erin, it's something else. I just hope they don't get angry with me...

My counselor thinks that the amount of control I have over all of us is what keeps them from taking over randomly. She says that I need to find a time to let them out, to tell them that they all will have their turn having their own voice that will be heard. But it frightens me, because, when I am co-conscious, I have no control over what they do. I can give them information about where things are or who people are, but other than that, I have no control. I don't know if letting them out like that is something I can do.

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