Read This First
In October of 2010 Erin was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. This blog is to record what is going inside Erin's mind. We don't know what all that will entail... But we are hoping that keeping a record of it will help in some manner. We also hope that maybe, just maybe, that we'll heal from whatever issues that we have and come out victorious.
All personalities or identities within Erin are invited to write here; each entry will be marked with who is writing.
If you are a survivor yourself, there are no trigger warnings on the entries... Please be careful as you navigate this blog. If you are a significant other of someone with DID/MPD, our hope is that this blog may be of some use to you, but please remember that every person with DID is very unique and must be considered as their own case.
Thank you for visiting!
Saturday, April 9, 2011
The War For Your Life -- Yomi (Warning: Very High Word Count)
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
I was attempting to go to sleep, and I was succeeding rather well, when I heard a nondescript voice say to me, "They are coming for you."
Now, I thought it was a figment of my imagination, so I didn't give it much thought. However, when Jihan, who I hadn't heard from in a few months at least, came to me and wanted to know if I heard the voice too, I thought that maybe it was something a bit more. After speaking with Morrigan and Guilt about it, they had heard the voice too, though to them it had said "They are coming for Yomi."
That's when I really hoped it was my own or our collective imagination and decided to not think much of it... But I told Nickie about it and she convinced me to at least call Roberta about it and let her decide what to do.
Her instructions were to keep a look out for "They" and to call her back if I hear from it again. Roberta believed that it may be the dangerous alter that apparently all people with MPD have.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
This evening, I was sitting on the couch in the living room, trying to draw and not succeeding at all when I started to get a restless itch that I've come to associate with Guilt wanting to go out. However, I have also figured out that if I do something fun and social it usually goes away without me having to deal with Guilt. So, I began asking around, seeing who was available to do something this weekend.
I had just set up a time to do something with a friend of mine, when I got that old feeling of needing to run away. I am not a fan of this feeling at all, especially since I am happy enough with the life I have at the moment. So I decided to write about the feeling to get it out of my system; it's something that usually works.
While I was writing, again I heard that nondescript voice. This time it said, "They have come for you," and then it proceeded to describe with just enough detail about how it wanted to hurt me and others around me, which would hurt me as well.
This voice terrified me, not because of the threats that it was making, but because I was convinced that it could follow through. So I called Roberta. By time she picked up the phone, I was curled up in/near my closet in near hysteria.
Since the voice was threatening to hurt me and since I believed it could do it, Roberta recommended that I be admitted into a hospital. Roberta spoke and explained things to my mom, who then took me to the hospital. At this point, I was so scared that I was balling and visibly shaking.
Friday, April 8, 2001
11:00pm-12:00am -- Arrived at the hospital and was put in a room. It was routine procedure for a while; they checked my vitals and stuff. Though they either had a security guard or a sitter with me at all times since I was there for psychological reasons.
This entire time the voice doesn't talk all that much; it really didn't have to. I knew it was there still, I could feel it and I knew what its intentions were, it didn't have to keep talking for me to still be terrified of it.
I was admitted into the hospital for the night at least and my mom went home to get some rest (we lived about 5-10min from the hospital).
Sometime after my mom left, They got control of my right hand and squeezed my upper left arm just hard enough to make it hurt but not leave a bruise. At the same time it made some comment about how it could do more than that if it wanted to. A little while later They closed up my throat so I couldn't breath for a few moments. And again, it got control of my hand in order to stroke my cheek, which was highly creepy, but it was still giving the message of "See what I can do? I can do more if I wanted to." It was frightening.
I managed to fall asleep, but only after a prayer and a pretty significant revelation.
At 2am, I was exhausted and I could barely stay awake, however I was still terrified that something would happen when I was sleeping. So, I started praying, asking God to help me because I was way in over my head and to protect me in my sleep... Then I realized... My need had already been met. God had already gotten me to the hospital where someone was watching me every moment to make sure I didn't get hurt no matter what. He took care of me before I realized my own need. So I thanked Him and fell asleep easily knowing that He was taking care of me.
I woke up naturally. I was frightened, but relatively calm. The voice was back with a vengeance. Around this time, the staff had prepared a different room for me, so I changed rooms. I remember being happy because I was moved into room 13, which is a good number for me. Then I fell asleep again.
I really don't know why I woke up this time, but my sitter was still outside my room. She was a really nice girl and I talked with her off and on throughout this whole shebang. The girl reminded me of someone, but I couldn't remember who and it really bothered me. At this point, she told me that her shift was over around 7:00 and I remember hoping that the new sitter wouldn't be a guy because I didn't know if I could handle that.
When the sitter's shift was over, there was not another one to take her place, so the hospital had security watch over me. Under normal circumstances this would have been fine, not a big deal. However, this was not a normal circumstance.
Marie, who had already been very uneasy because we were in a hospital, happened to see that there were two men who were dressed in police-like uniforms completely freaked out and accidentally overpowered me. She found herself in control of a body that didn't look like her own and she was in a place that she did not remember going to on her own. This is a very similar situation to how I met Marie in the first place.
From here, I really only know what Morrigan has shared with me and I am very uncertain as to the timing of things. I was sequestered off in a "corner" trapped by "They," who threatened to hurt my alters if I even tried to talk to them.
Marie curled up in a tight little ball, clutching at the pillow I had brought with me until my mom showed up. As soon as my mom walked in the door, Marie said, "My name is Marie Jessica Laysfield. I think you have the wrong person. I swear I didn't do anything wrong."
To my mom's credit, she did not freak out (externally), though she did tell Marie that "Marie" was not her real name and then she sat down and held Marie as she cried.
At some point in time, the hospital's counselor showed up and began asking Marie questions which ranged from the standard name/birth date/social security number to what was going on. Thankfully, Morrigan knew most of the information and was helping Marie answer. I am not sure what all the talked about, but I do know that my mom was in the room for most of it... which makes me a bit nervous, honestly.
Eventually, it got to the point where the counselor needed me to sign some release of information papers. Apparently, when dealing with a person with MPD, only the signature of the main/dominant personality is considered to be legally legitimate. I find this to be incredibly intriguing and relieving. Because of this, Marie asked Morrigan to find me, as she had been calling for me and I was not answering; I could hear her, but I did not want to answer for fear that They would harm her.
This is when Morrigan got really pissed off with They and shouted at it, "If you even dare harm a hair on Yomi's head, so help me God..." She didn't finish her statement; she didn't have to. They backed off enough for me to slip past it into the Black Room. Once there, Morrigan and I helped Marie maneuver the white door, which she had never done before, and I was in control again.
The counselor and I talked for a little bit, I signed the papers, and they got me ready to discharge.
When the on-duty doctor came in to talk to me, the way he had to summarize the situation because he had come on shift right as I was being discharged. He said, "So a voice is saying it wants to hurt and kill you. You don't want to hurt yourself and it is not telling you to hurt yourself. The voice itself wants to hurt you." As I agreed that this was the situation, a small part of me said, "Huh, that sounds like a demon..." I dismissed it at the time because I was doing stuff to leave the hospital.
My mom drove me the less than five minutes it takes to get from the hospital to the house; I was so tired. I estimated that I got about 3 or 4 hours of sleep.
Per her request, I called Roberta. We talked for a bit and she asked me if I thought that They could be a demon. I told her that the thought had occurred to me. Roberta decided that we needed to determine if They was an alter or a demon.
Me:(to They) Where are you?
They: I'm everywhere.
Me: No, seriously, you can't be everywhere. Where are you?
They: I'm in the Pit; I'm in the Tombs. I'm in the Hallway; I'm in the Rooms.
(I got the tiniest kick out of it rhyming. I still think it was clever.)
Me: That's creepy. Where are you?
They: I'm right here.
Me: So, why exactly do you want to hurt me?
They: Because I hate you.
Me: Great, why do you hate me? Or what is it about me that you hate?
They: I hate you. I deplore you. I loathe you. It is in my nature to hate you. All of you. I hate you because you are you and I am me.
Me: Do you hate Yomi or the core of Erin?
They: I hate all of you, the core, the soul.
This is when Roberta determined that it was, in fact, a demon and not an alter. Her explanation was that a demon would hate the core or soul of a person without need for a reason. Whereas an alter would hate the person or part of a person but with a specific reason(s) for doing so. For example: I hate you because you are such-and-such or you have done such-and-such.
Before getting rid of it, I asked Morrigan's help. She said, "Of course. I am no longer just a survivor; I am Erin's Warrior. Let's do this." Roberta and I then proceeded to pray and say the names of Jesus Christ and God while Morrigan stood guard and made sure it didn't run away to a different part of my mind. They got super pissed. To cut a long story short, They eventually left and I had a sense of peace and calm.
Then I called the psychiatrist shortly after this. I have an appointment sometime Friday; I have to come in at 8:30am and hang around until they can fit me in. Roberta told me to make a folder of all the important stuff that's gone on for the past 9 months so the psychiatrist can look at it. I did that for Roberta when I showed up for my first appointment; she said it was one of the most helpful things I did.
Then I slept... Well tried to sleep because my mom kept waking me up reminding me to do the dishes. After I did the dishes, I couldn't fall asleep until about 10pm.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
The rest of my weekend and the beginning of this week has been very calm and relaxing. My family has been giving me space, which I appreciate. My oldest sister has made it abundantly clear that I am welcome at her apartment whenever I want and I can talk to her about anything. I asked her about this and she meant anything including my alters. They are even welcome at her apartment. Her reasoning is that she loves me and wants to be part of my life, and they are a big part of my life now, so she wants to hear about them too. I love her a lot.
Hopefully that'll be the most exciting thing to happen for a while at least. I'm still recovering from the stress and lack of sleep, but I'll get there. I always do.