Read This First

We have moved to a different blog: We Choose Harmony

To see why, read this post: From Internal to External.

But feel free to read this blog for background information.

In October of 2010 Erin was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. This blog is to record what is going inside Erin's mind. We don't know what all that will entail... But we are hoping that keeping a record of it will help in some manner. We also hope that maybe, just maybe, that we'll heal from whatever issues that we have and come out victorious.

All personalities or identities within Erin are invited to write here; each entry will be marked with who is writing.

If you are a survivor yourself, there are no trigger warnings on the entries... Please be careful as you navigate this blog. If you are a significant other of someone with DID/MPD, our hope is that this blog may be of some use to you, but please remember that every person with DID is very unique and must be considered as their own case.

Thank you for visiting!

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Inept. Unsuitable. Lacking. Just Not Enough. -- Morrigan

I started going to a group therapy thing tonight. I am going to stick to what I learned when I talk about it. Unsolicited comments are not welcome on this post. Thank you.

I was asked, "What pit are you stuck in?"

Setting aside my obvious thought about the Pit and the Tombs, I started thinking about all the things that have been really irking me this past half week. I was given the homework by our therapist to find out things I liked doing, what interests I had. Yomi and I decided that I would be the Main alter for the week and Yomi would go inside and rest.

I never knew how much Yomi actually does. She has so many responsibilities to her outside family: chores, finding a job, being with the family, being with friends, going to church. And then there's everything she does for the inside family: planning times when certain people can come out when it's safe for them, looking for items we would like, keeping everyone entertained, taking care of our body, splitting her life in two for us. She does so much more than I thought.

I thought Yomi was weak because she didn't do certain things that I thought she should, but she has so much on her plate that she just couldn't get there...

What pit are you stuck in?

I have written before how I am a Warrior come home from the battle. I have been dealing with waiting for bad things to happen but they don't ever happen... It's frightening... But that's not my pit.

What pit am I stuck in? In this process of learning, of going from surviving to living, I have gone from knowing exactly what I am doing to constantly second guessing myself. I feel inadequate, unable to do my job... And yet... It feels like my job has been taken away. I am the Protector, but there is nothing to protect from. It seems like there are all these unspoken things that I must do that I just can't get done.

I must be a good friend. I know I have a lot to learn... but within the last month or so I have let my best friends down so badly. I hardly know how to connect with them... Before it was simple because there were obvious needs on both sides... But now, I am so clueless.

I must be a good protector. I don't know what to protect against. There is nothing painful outside to protect from. Yet I am a protector...

I must help Yomi. She is so horribly tired. She has done so much for so long. She has so much to learn herself... And as Co-main I feel I must help her. Organize. Remember the little important things. Help keep track of everyone inside. But at the same time, I hardly know how to do that.

On top of that, the responsibilities I have for only this week... I feel so far behind. So lacking. Not enough. And if I'm being completely honest with myself... I feel like I have failed somehow. I can't identify who I have failed or how... But that feeling is still there.

Inadequacy is... Failure?

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