One and Only -- Grace

"A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself-and especially to feel, or not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at any moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is. Most people love you for who you pretend to be. To keep their love, you keep pretending - performing. You get to love your pretense. It's true, we're locked in an image, an act - and the sad thing is, people get so used to their image, they grow attached to their masks. They love their chains. They forget all about who they really are. And if you try to remind them, they hate you for it, they feel like you're trying to steal their most precious possession.”

-- Jim Morrison

Exclusive. Lone. Individual. Unique. Special. Uncommon. Single. Rare. Peerless. Matchless. Unparalleled. Treasure

That is what every individual identity is across the world. Not just those of us within Erin. But those within you, your neighbor, your brother, your sister, you friends, your teachers, your parents. Every identity you come across is one of a kind; you won't be able to find someone precisely like them. 

It's because of this that some of the things we do piss me off to no end. Erin as a whole is unique; not because of our DID, but because Erin is an individual human being. Within Erin we have separate identities, each of which is also unique. We each have different backgrounds, experiences, fears, dreams, tastes. 

Bloomer loves bots and mecha. Ellie loves My Little Pony and fish sticks (funny story in that, actually). Tommi loves coffee and Fringe. Naomi loves fantasy RPGs and Mara: Daughter of the Nile. Marie will soon be on her way to figuring out what she likes and dislikes. I, personally, love listening to the stories the others read.

And then we come to Morrigan (yes, this post is mostly about my views on her, and, in many ways, it is directed towards her). She loves Lie To Me and mock-fighting. She has impressed me with her abilities of leadership and compassion for identities within and without. Morrigan is so careful to take everyone's opinions and include them in her decisions and actions. She knows how to weigh priorities and sort through the little things to find what is really important. Morrigan is so talented. She's a great singer. Wonderful friend. Compassionate leader. She is everything we could ask for and want... And I wish to share her with the world because she has so much to offer. 

I'm not saying that I want her to stretch herself to the limit to give everything to everyone. She often tells those of us within that she "is not superwoman." I merely want people around us to see what a beautiful identity she really has become. She loves people so intensely, yet she constantly hides herself. Time and time again, I watch as she quietly holds out the basic front we consider to be Erin. Morrigan puts up barriers thinking that people don't want to see her, that they don't want to listen to her. The most obvious symptom of this is the way she hides her voice.

I understand how difficult is is for some of us to explain away the way we talk. Ellie, for example, is afraid of people not understanding why her voice is so tiny, so she hides it when those who don't know about our multiple identities are around. This is completely justifiable and it's a much needed precaution many times. However, Ellie knows that, when she is around those who know, she can drop the front and be herself in all her adorable glory. I, myself, have to pay attention to how I talk so I don't swear so much, as people are not used to Erin cussing. I had to restrain myself earlier tonight talking with our mom because I know she really dislikes swearing and I respect her immensely.

So I understand that Morrigan conceals her accent when she is at school, where the mass majority of people have no clue about our multiplicity. This makes sense: it avoids difficult or awkward questions and it protects us from people who may be afraid and treat us differently. This is what I simply cannot understand: Why is it so damn hard for Morrigan to be her accented self when around her closest of friends? She has so few that she calls her close friends, yet she is afraid that her accent is going to somehow scare them off. We have told them about our DID; some of them have seen the negative effects of being a multiple. None of those who she has trusted has decided it is too much, and, yet, she thinks her accent, something that is relatively minor, will be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

Morrigan has told me before that when she conceals her accent, she feels as though she is a bold-faced liar. She is so concerned with being herself, just like every other identity with Erin. She struggles with it alongside the rest of us. There is a dichotomy within us: how do we be our individual selves yet present a cohesive whole to the general public? I fear that she has taken our cohesiveness too personally.

Yes, I have spoken at length with Morrigan about this. Yes, she understands and agrees with my concerns. She also is actively struggling with how to remedy the situation.

I wish there was some way I help her more. Support her more as she has supported the rest of us. Tommi and I have tried to bolster her courage by lending her confidence. She has prayed to her God at length and has petitioned Him many times. I, honestly, have half a mind to just talk to those who she is afraid of scaring off and proving to her that they are far more hardy and loyal than she is currently realizing.

However, I know one day she will have the courage to be the gorgeous, shining, sensational individual that is within her. I see it smoldering in her heart like embers begging for a breath of air. She'll get there, but my greatest fear is that, for a few of her current friends, eventually may be too late.

-- Grace

Losing Time -- Morrigan

One of the traits/effects of DID is that the affected person tends to have gaps in time for which they cannot account. It has been a long time since we have dealt with that specific issue, due to the fact that we have a rather sophisticated communication system in place. In fact it has been at least a year and a half since we have had to deal with this specifically. And even then it didn't bother us too much because we generally knew who had been out and for how long. So even though we could not say what we had did, we at least could figure it out due to the usual behavior patterns of the person who was out at the time.

And now? We are losing time. With no explanation. With no idea who was out at the time. And sometimes it's even difficult to figure out what length of time we have missed, since we can't specifically point to when the lost time started. Definitively, there have been two distinct periods of time we have lost within the past few weeks.

The first time started (we think) just after Tommi finished washing dishes. Then the next thing we know, we are sitting in our room, in the dark, while eating peanut butter off a spoon.

The second time, I (Morrigan) was playing solitaire on our computer. The next thing we know, we woke up the next morning in bed. We later found a 13 minute video on our computer which was recorded by Marie and Shiloh. That only accounts for 13 minutes out of the possible hours they could have been out.

On top of that, we are losing the ability to keep track of time within the White Room. It used to be easy to know what time it was, but ever since we have untangled, it has gotten harder and harder. This normally wouldn't be an issue, except it's affecting our relationships with various people.

When I came out today, I could have sworn it was still Thursday or Friday evening (it doesn't help that one of our weekly "landmarks" has been switched from Thursdays to Fridays). Instead it its Saturday evening. Which, again, wouldn't be too much of an issue had I not promised to reply to a friend's message a day or so ago (I cannot remember what day I promised to do this, which frustrates the hell out of me). I know what general activities we have done, such as letting Ellie play and babysitting for a neighbor, but the timeline is all screwed up.

What is going on? Why are we going through this phase, for I really hope this is a phase... I know from past experience that we have a period of calm and then one of chaotic happenings. Things have been relatively calm over the summer and for most of the Fall semester (minus the mash-up, which was confusing, but still less chaotic than other things that have happened). Perhaps this is our next period of chaos? Random switching, gaps of lost time, inability to keep track of time...

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To whomever it is stealing time, just talk to us; let us know what is going on. We want to share our life with you, not keep you locked away from being out. We want to live in harmony with you. So help us help you.

-- Morrigan

Things in mirror are closer than they appear -- Erin (or whoever I am)

The last time I wrote, I was fairly optimistic that things would get worked out rather quickly. It's been about 3 weeks and we're still all tangled up together. I'm frustrated with the situation and wish that people could get themselves untangled, but I've found out some things that complicate matters.

Last Sunday (September 16), Morrigan tried extremely hard to untangle herself. But she got pulled back within the tangle by these purple-black cords (similar to what Venom looks like when a bell tolls). Morrigan yelled out, "This isn't fair!" To which, Justice replied, "Since when has Justice ever been fair?" It was at this moment that I realized that, while we might have gotten tangled up on accident, we were being held this way by someone else inside. It seems like Chaos & Justice has struck again. Since realizing that, I have been trying to find and talk to Ellie, since she was the one who put a stop to their shenanigans the last time. I have had no success thus far.

To be honest, this severely decimated what little optimism I had of this tangle being dealt with quickly. I met with my counselor today and I know that this information has her very worried as well.

If this were not enough, our dad lost his job today. There are a lot of emotions and feelings that are attached to that statement, but, needless to say, I am very worried and afraid. Many things have been going through my head of what this could mean for me and my family. It basically boils down to, if they move away from this immediate area, I will have to get my own place, as the majority of my support system, which includes my counselor and certain friends, is in this area. We also will have to find a room-mate as it is unhealthy for us to live alone at this point in time. Finding a suitable room-mate is difficult in the best of times for anyone; for us with all our issues, it can only be even more so.

The external stability that we value and appreciate so highly has been shaken. I have had one panic attack and almost several more since my dad told me about all this.

But here's the good news, that support system that I need so desperately, my faith in them is well founded. I was whisked away by two of my biggest supporters (honestly, they're more like big, lovable, protective brothers to us all) along with two of their very close friends, whom we are excited to get to know better. They have made life easier to handle. I can look at my situation without panicking. As long as I have friends like these, it's going to work out. Life might get more crazy and nearly impossible to deal with, but we have friends who need us and love us all very much. Because of them, I can say I'm happy today. My life feels like it's crashing around my feet, but I am calm and collected, ready to deal with what comes.

It feels so good to be able to say, Erin is happy today and she's excited about tomorrow.

-- Erin, or whoever I am.

Who am I? -- Erin (or whomever I happen to be)

I woke up today around 4:30 in the afternoon, which means we got over 14 hours of sleep last night. When I finally got out of bed, I couldn't figure out who I was. I've been trying to figure that out since I've been awake; still no luck.

I know for certain that I am not Grace, as she talked to me a little bit ago. According to her, my form keeps "flickering" so I appear very blurry. She says I'm no one she recognizes, but that it doesn't necessarily mean anything. I could be someone new, or I could just be an accidental mash-up of a lot of people.

I don't think I'm Morrigan, or Tommi, or Naomi, or Ellie, or Yomi, or anyone else that I know the name of. I'm not entirely worried about this right now; I'll be more worried tomorrow if this is still happening. If it is, I fully intend on calling up my counselor and leaving her a voice mail. I'm just glad that this is Labor Day weekend, which means I don't have school on Monday. That gives me one more day to figure this out.

It's pretty confusing, but not frightening. We've lost track of our identities before, and we've always been able to figure it out. I just hope I'm not someone new; that could possibly be a bad thing.

I spent the day (what little of it I was awake) trying to relax and not worry about anything. That was pretty simple, though the weather gave me some worry. There was a really big storm cell that passed through my area. The tornado sirens went off and my parents and I put our cats in carriers or the bathroom. I for one nearly took a nap with my cat in the bathtub. I was pretty comfortable.

I just hope this gets figured out by tomorrow. 

Where I Belong -- Tommi

Things are hard again. Our period of respite and (mostly) stable-ness is over; we definitely enjoyed it (as our counselor urged us to do).

It ended with the sudden reappearance of Sader (who has finally chosen her own name: Naomi). Our counselor decided to explore what middle and high school was like for Yomi and Naomi... The problem is that Naomi believes that she's not supposed to feel anything; we have no idea where she got that idea. Fortunately, Naomi doesn't give her emotions away... Unfortunately, she just bottles them inside and they leak over onto everyone else.

I am glad that Naomi has decided to stick around. She says that she's missed out on 4 years of life and she's not about to miss any more. So she's helping out with school, which started up a little over a week ago. Learning Naomi's take on what happened in middle and high school definitely allows us to better understand how Yomi got to where she's at now.

At the same time though, Morrigan and I aren't doing so well. Both of us feel we need to be strong for our internal family and in order to make it though the school semester (and possibly hold a job). The truth is that neither of us feel strong. We help each other best we can. We understand that our strength comes from the support of our internal family, and so we ask each other for help when we need it... But we still feel so weak, as though we'll come apart if someone realizes what's actually happening.

So we smile, laugh, joke. We hide the truth from the casual passerby, hoping that the strength we glean from one another will endure and last through anything life throws at us.