Who am I? -- Erin (or whomever I happen to be)

I woke up today around 4:30 in the afternoon, which means we got over 14 hours of sleep last night. When I finally got out of bed, I couldn't figure out who I was. I've been trying to figure that out since I've been awake; still no luck.

I know for certain that I am not Grace, as she talked to me a little bit ago. According to her, my form keeps "flickering" so I appear very blurry. She says I'm no one she recognizes, but that it doesn't necessarily mean anything. I could be someone new, or I could just be an accidental mash-up of a lot of people.

I don't think I'm Morrigan, or Tommi, or Naomi, or Ellie, or Yomi, or anyone else that I know the name of. I'm not entirely worried about this right now; I'll be more worried tomorrow if this is still happening. If it is, I fully intend on calling up my counselor and leaving her a voice mail. I'm just glad that this is Labor Day weekend, which means I don't have school on Monday. That gives me one more day to figure this out.

It's pretty confusing, but not frightening. We've lost track of our identities before, and we've always been able to figure it out. I just hope I'm not someone new; that could possibly be a bad thing.

I spent the day (what little of it I was awake) trying to relax and not worry about anything. That was pretty simple, though the weather gave me some worry. There was a really big storm cell that passed through my area. The tornado sirens went off and my parents and I put our cats in carriers or the bathroom. I for one nearly took a nap with my cat in the bathtub. I was pretty comfortable.

I just hope this gets figured out by tomorrow. 

Where I Belong -- Tommi

Things are hard again. Our period of respite and (mostly) stable-ness is over; we definitely enjoyed it (as our counselor urged us to do).

It ended with the sudden reappearance of Sader (who has finally chosen her own name: Naomi). Our counselor decided to explore what middle and high school was like for Yomi and Naomi... The problem is that Naomi believes that she's not supposed to feel anything; we have no idea where she got that idea. Fortunately, Naomi doesn't give her emotions away... Unfortunately, she just bottles them inside and they leak over onto everyone else.

I am glad that Naomi has decided to stick around. She says that she's missed out on 4 years of life and she's not about to miss any more. So she's helping out with school, which started up a little over a week ago. Learning Naomi's take on what happened in middle and high school definitely allows us to better understand how Yomi got to where she's at now.

At the same time though, Morrigan and I aren't doing so well. Both of us feel we need to be strong for our internal family and in order to make it though the school semester (and possibly hold a job). The truth is that neither of us feel strong. We help each other best we can. We understand that our strength comes from the support of our internal family, and so we ask each other for help when we need it... But we still feel so weak, as though we'll come apart if someone realizes what's actually happening.

So we smile, laugh, joke. We hide the truth from the casual passerby, hoping that the strength we glean from one another will endure and last through anything life throws at us. 

Blending -- Tommi & Morrigan

In therapy, we have been discussing a sub-goal with our counselor that we have come to call "Blending." Our current definition of Blending: 

Two or more alters coming together in thought and behavior to the point where it may become difficult to distinguish where one stops and the other begins. Thoughts become aligned and are as one. However, the alters are still distinct and are in control of different functions. 

We realize this definition is rather... confusing. However, due to the nature of Blending, it's a bit hard to define adequately. Instead, let us explain through our experiences with it. 

As we have mentioned before, we work at a summer camp as an assistant cook. While we are working, Morrigan, Tommi, and Grace work together so seamlessly that we share thoughts and behavior. Morrigan tends to take the role of the "public face," interacting with the campers and speaking to the Counselors and cook for us. Tommi takes the role of controlling our body; he chops the vegetables, mixes the kool-aid, and makes sure we drink enough water. While Grace stays in the background (where she claims she cannot feel the heat nor our sweat) and feeds us energy from her own personal store. While we are Blending, we do not think "Oh, Morrigan needs to do this now," or "Tommi, cut that for us, will you?" It is seamless; we do not have to address each other to know exactly what must be done and who will do what. We have found that we can communicate with one another as individuals while Blending, but we have to concentrate in order to do that. 

After work, we sit down, relax, and allow ourselves to separate and become very distinct yet again. The exciting thing about Blending is that we still know who is who while still being able to do what we need to do without stopping to directly communicate with one another. 

We by no means want Blending to be our only existence because it's mentally taxing to maintain this state for a whole day. Also, it's like never being allowed to have alone time and we get rather tired of each other's company faster when we Blend. However, we feel this is a great alternative to Integration because it is a temporary state over which we have control. It is also a useful tool to have under our belt for when we have a part- or full-time job. Our counselor could not be more happy about our progress in this direction.

However, we have run into a potential downside to Blending. 

The camp's head cook quit right after the lunch meal on Tuesday; fortunately, there was not an evening meal to prepare since it was scheduled for a pack-out, which is when they eat a meal at their units. The head cook promised us that he would not quit because he wasn't there for the money, he was there for the Counselors, the other assistant cook, and us. We took him for his word... And then he broke his promise. Morrigan, Tommi, and Grace immediately went into a meltdown. Honestly, it was Morrigan and Tommi who were freaking out, but Grace was drawn into the emotional break since she was Blended with them. 

For the first time, there was no one to come out and take care of life while the rest of us freaked out inside. Ellie was available, but sending her out was not an option. So we were forced to deal with the stressful situation like any other average person. It was terrifying. 

Fortunately, our bosses were very supportive and they alleviated our fears (that working int the kitchen would turn into how it was last year: a nightmare) and things were eventually okay. Morrigan even learned that sometimes it's okay to admit that you're not alright. 

While this effect of Blending is manageable, and, honestly, healthy to learn how to handle, it is definitely an unexpected effect.

We really hope this hasn't been as confusing as it could have been. We're still trying to figure out how to explain this phenomenon. So if any clarification is needed, please ask! We really need the feedback. 

(This article was written while Tommi & Morrigan were Blended together.)

The rustling of old memories -- Morrigan

Last summer, our sister managed to get us a job at a camp kitchen as an assistant cook. This year, we took the same job. However, this time our co-workers and working conditions are much, much more pleasant.

The camp we are working at is almost in the middle of no where. At least, it feels that way. It's about 20 minutes to the nearest town and it is in the middle of a state park. It's right next to a decent sized, but not huge, lake in which the campers can swim and canoe. The camp is very peaceful and wonderful. The only "big" problem is that we mostly don't have air conditioning and the kitchen is frequently over 120F (about 49C). The head cook talked to the higher ups and was able to convince them to get us a very small A/C unit in our small break room (where we sometimes take naps between meals).

I went on a night hike with one of the counselors (her camp name is Kaleidoscope); her and I are becoming good friends. When we headed back, Kaleidoscope got a bit turned around and it took us a while to find our way back to the trail.

I felt lost. I felt like a little kid again. I began to see evergreen trees instead of the leafy trees that were actually there. I felt cold, like I was back in Maine. I was so scared. Tommi helped me as much as he could by telling me I was safe and that Kaleidoscope knew where she was going and we were going to be okay. His encouragement probably kept me from having a meltdown. When we got back to the lodge where I sleep, I was a wreck. Kaleidoscope was worried, but I passed it off by being afraid of the dark, which is partially true. 


A year and a half ago, when I finally understood and came to terms with what was happening, I set my life in Alter aside and embraced my new life in this "new" world. I thought that meant that my past couldn't haunt me anymore, so I left it alone and didn't think much more about it. I learned to work through my distrust of people, my prejudice against humans, and my anger issues. I adapted to this new life well. I love Erin's parents and I call them "my mom" and "my dad." I love the many friends that we've collected. I love going to the coffee shop. I love my new hobby: Magic the Gathering. I love my internal family. 


My personal triggers became nonexistent. Listening to others talk about things that had also happened to me didn't bother me. I didn't like discussing what all my dad in Alter had done, but I thought it was because it wasn't important anymore. I had the chance to become somebody completely different, and I took complete advantage of it. 


So the flashback to when I was about five or six years old came out of no where for me. Since then I have been working to not being afraid of the woods at night. I've been writing down everything I remember about what my dad in Alter did. It's painful, but I know I need to get rid of it. I want so desperately to be free of anything that will hold me back. I would rather be anxious now while facing my fears than be afraid all the rest of my life. I already told a few of the counselors that I am planning on going on night hikes with them. I have been invited to stay out in the middle of the woods at a unit by a counselor as well. I have every intention of doing it. I know I'm going to be scared as hell, but I will survive and I will come out stronger for it. 

Things are going to be hard again. -- Ellie

Hiii everybody. It's me, Little Ellie Erin (I have Tommi helping me to make sure the spelling and stuff is right so it's easier to read). We have a lot going on and a lot has been happening and I realized Tommi an Morrigan have not been writing it on here.

I do not remember how long ago it was now, but Yomi disappeared along with Ginko (YAAY we do not get along very well. I know I should not feel happy about it, but I do), Rachel, an Bloomer (very very very very SAD). Me and Tommi and Morrigan and Grace have been taking care of things. Tommi an Morrigan got a very good grade on their last math test. They were very scared that they would get a bad grade because Bloomer wasn't there to take the test for us. But they got a good grade and we are very happy about that. We think we also got a good grade on our art project. We should be putting pictures up of it soon. I really like it. It's a really good book.

But like I was saying, Yomi and people disappeared. It's scary. We all were trying so hard to help her and to help her not be so very sad, but she left us. We are not angry... Well, maybe we are a little. I know I am a little. I am not so mad at Yomi, because I understand she had to leave, but I am mad that she did not say goodbye or tell us that she had to leave. She just POOF left. I wish she had said bye.

And it makes us feel a lot guilty for saying this. And by a lot I mean LOTS and LOTS guilty, so please don't think us bad for this. Things have gotten easier since Yomi left. I think she knew that it would. I think she knew that would could get better faster if she was not around so that when she is ready, we are strong enough to help her. We feel bad that we are... Tommi says the word is relieved. We feel bad that we are relieved, but I know that Yomi is going to come back. And when she does we are going to be able to help her in ways that we could not this time.

So now we are going to be working very hard on some very hard things. Some very... scary things. Things that I have been wanting to work on since I ran away from Blissy for the final time. Things I have been ready to work on for over a year now. Tommi and Morrigan have worked passed some of their biggest problems and they are much stronger now. They work together now very well.

So now it's my turn.

Our counselor says that if I am ready, we can work on me not being afraid of swings and playgrounds. I asked my mommy to help me because I know I am going to be very very very very afraid. Our counselor says that we are going to have to go to playgrounds and listen to swings and look at swings and MAYBE sit on a swing, but that comes much later I think. I am very afraid of swings. I made Tommi promise that I could take my baby blanket and Pinkie the stuffed animal rabbit with me. He said of course. They help protect me from bad things.

Just thinking about this makes me nervous. But I have a Tommi and a Morrigan and a Mommy to help me this time. It's more than I had when it all happened the first time.

Tommi says things are going to be very hard for a while. He thinks I'm going to have nightmares and panic attacks. I do not know if he is right. I know that he has those when he gets triggered so maybe it will be like that for me too.

But if people who read this can please talk to Mister God and Mister Jesus to help me cuz I'm going to need all the help I can get. I'm going to be asking them too. Actually, I'm probably going to sing-ask it, because that's how I talk to Mister God and Mister Jesus.

Thank you all you many people from all over the planet for listening to a little girl like me.

-- Little Ellie Erin (with Tommi helping with spelling and stuff HeeHeeHee)