Read This First

We have moved to a different blog: We Choose Harmony

To see why, read this post: From Internal to External.

But feel free to read this blog for background information.

In October of 2010 Erin was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. This blog is to record what is going inside Erin's mind. We don't know what all that will entail... But we are hoping that keeping a record of it will help in some manner. We also hope that maybe, just maybe, that we'll heal from whatever issues that we have and come out victorious.

All personalities or identities within Erin are invited to write here; each entry will be marked with who is writing.

If you are a survivor yourself, there are no trigger warnings on the entries... Please be careful as you navigate this blog. If you are a significant other of someone with DID/MPD, our hope is that this blog may be of some use to you, but please remember that every person with DID is very unique and must be considered as their own case.

Thank you for visiting!

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Hope on the edge of destruction .-- Morrigan

I'm just going to let you all know upfront that I don't really know what's going to be in this post. I'm definitely not looking for advice or anything. I've just got a lot on my mind, so this really just an explosion of thoughts. I'll try my best to keep it coherent, but since my own thoughts are all mixed together, that's going to be an interesting goal.

Honestly, there have been two things that have been plaguing me the most. One is rather happy and exciting... or it might be... Tommi thinks it's exciting, but I'm terrified of the outcome. We have a pretty good guy friend that I've recently begun to take an interest in. Tommi keeps encouraging me to "go for it" but it scares me. The last time I liked someone, it turned out that he was a split from me and his sole purpose was to teach me to love myself. So I kind of think of it as being rigged; I was supposed to end up liking him in order to understand that I am lovable too. That being said, it means that I've never legitimately liked a guy enough to actually do something about it. However, I think a lot of people can relate to that. It's not an uncommon phenomenon. After all, I'm just a girl falling for the boy next door.

I guess it's bothering me because he consumes a large portion of my thoughts... Again, I'm sure others can relate to this, which is comforting to me. It's some kind of normalcy in my life of complexity. What amazes me is that all of us (and I really mean all of us) are comfortable around him. Ellie, who is usually hesitant or mildly fearful of men, enjoys being around him, even if he doesn't necessarily realize it's her. Tommi and our friend get along exceptionally well. As does Bloomer and Yomi (when she's actually out). I don't think Grace has spent much time around him, which doesn't reflect on him, rather it reflects on her own current state which I will explain later.

And while Tommi keeps encouraging me, I can't help but feeling as though I now understand what a single mother may feel when she thinks about dating. I come with a lot of people with me, a lot of baggage, and a lot of issues. Then again, who doesn't come with baggage and issues? I constantly worry that I'm going to mess things up and screw us up even more. I am afraid that I'll ruin a great friendship, not just for me, but for all of us within. Things are great now... But if things work out, they could be even better... And that is my hope. The situation is equal parts exciting, terrifying, exhilarating, and worrisome.

The second thing that has been dogging at me is the situation with Yomi. I know we haven't mentioned her much lately, but that's because we're not entirely sure what is going on with her nor what we can do to help her. It's scary, honestly. I barely recognize who she has become. I know Yomi to be LOUD with an awesome personality and sense of humor. She can find humor in any situation, the silver lining in every awful storm. She is upbeat, optimistic, artistic, joyful. She makes friends in two seconds flat. She can talk to random strangers and find a commonality with them. She'll do something random or silly and make it look as though she's not bothered by looking like a complete moron. Yomi is an amazing girl. Yeah, she has her flaws just like everyone else, but, that aside, Yomi is a great person.

Looking at her now, she's barely recognizable. She looks the same, but she is deadly silent. When she does speak, it's usually to tell us to leave her alone. Her eyes look dead. She is so obviously in pain, but she refuses to acknowledge or even register it. Our counselor said that, if Yomi did not have alters to help her, she would be hospitalized. Basically, Yomi is mentally and emotionally suicidal. She's trying to fade away using the skewed logic that the rest of us will be "better off" or "happier" once she's gone.

She's driving us crazy. Her pain is spilling over into all of us; affecting those of us who are most closely connected to her (i.e. Tommi and Grace) first and then continuing on down the line until even Ellie is affected. There are days that Tommi cannot function, so he just sleeps in the White Room and I make sure we get everything done. Grace has literally locked herself up in the Room of Requirement in order that she doesn't lose control and get us into trouble. Tommi lost his temper with Yomi last Friday and told her just how he felt about how she was acting. Yomi retaliated the next day by shoving more of her crap onto us and sapping our energy away. Tommi, Bloomer, Grace, and I couldn't function at all; we stayed in bed until about 4:30pm when Ellie decided she wanted to get up. This made us realize that we're going to have a lot of low functioning days ahead of us in order to pull Yomi back from the brink. We have been working with our counselor to figure out why Yomi is such a mess. Tommi thinks he has some of it figured out, but that's his and Yomi's story to tell, not mine. However, we have not made much progress.

Tommi and I are terribly afraid of losing Yomi. We don't know what would happen if she disappeared. We don't know if those who are closest to her will disappear as well. I know Tommi is afraid of disappearing, as a result he's been finding things to help him differentiate between him and Yomi, to separate himself from her more. I don't know what I would do without Yomi. I cannot even begin to imagine life without her. She is a HUGE part of Erin and we all have felt the empty spot where she used to be before she withdrew.

We are at a loss. In both cases, I don't know how to move forward. I do know that we will keep moving forward. Tommi has already registered us for the Fall semester at our college. We have a stable summer job. Tommi is learning as much as he can about the career we think we want to go into. I'm whipping us back into physical shape after the winter (we have a rip-stick and it's sooooo much fun). Ellie and Bloomer are learning to be kids again. I know that even if Yomi does disappear, as terrifying as that thought is, but if it happens, we'll keep moving forward. It's not the end of the world. It's not the end of Erin. It may set us back or cripple us for a time, but it will not kill us. We have survived so much to be stopped now. We are striving to live, and, one day, we will no longer merely survive.

-- Morrigan


  1. Does Erin possess some sort of known release mechanism? I'm not talking about disassociation or passing the buck, but a way to treat the pain of the past and shed it away.

    It might not take an obvious or even welcoming form (mine might be considered disturbing for example, but I am willing to describe it via email if you think it might help draw some parallels).

    Well, that's my 20 cents. Until next time.

    1. If Erin has a release mechanism, I have not found it. At least, not healthy ones. -- Morrigan


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