Read This First

We have moved to a different blog: We Choose Harmony

To see why, read this post: From Internal to External.

But feel free to read this blog for background information.

In October of 2010 Erin was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. This blog is to record what is going inside Erin's mind. We don't know what all that will entail... But we are hoping that keeping a record of it will help in some manner. We also hope that maybe, just maybe, that we'll heal from whatever issues that we have and come out victorious.

All personalities or identities within Erin are invited to write here; each entry will be marked with who is writing.

If you are a survivor yourself, there are no trigger warnings on the entries... Please be careful as you navigate this blog. If you are a significant other of someone with DID/MPD, our hope is that this blog may be of some use to you, but please remember that every person with DID is very unique and must be considered as their own case.

Thank you for visiting!

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder -- Morrigan

"Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder,
At the mention of Your Name, Jesus Your Name is power
Breath and living water
Such a marvelous mystery!"
("Revelation Song" by Phillips, Craig, & Dean)

I know that many people who read this may not believe in God. That's fine; I'm not trying to change your mind about that. I do believe in God and I believe He communicates clearly with me in regards to helping Erin. You can chose to believe what you want about what has happened. This is simply the truth of the events as I know them.

Oh yeah... This post is going to be quite long... Just a heads up.

It's funny how an average day can change so quickly. One moment everything is going fine or even great. Then one little thing happens and it sets you on a new course of what seems like is disaster. And you're scared because everything has gone from very stable to not stable at all. It's frightening. And if I'm honest about it, I hate it very much.

March 25, 2012

It was an ordinary Sunday morning. I was running a bit behind schedule, like I do every Sunday, as I'm trying to get ready to go. Out the door, in the car, down the road... I'm singing along to the radio as we go. My mom (Erin's mom) has it on the Christian radio station and one of my many favorite worship songs are on. Things look like they are going to be a normal, relaxing Sunday.

Sunday school was really good. I'm in a basic beliefs class and I learned quite a bit. After that is the service, which I love because I love my God so much and I enjoy getting together with people who love Him like I do; there's just something about it... I don't know what it is.

During the beginning prayer, I tell my God my concerns about Yomi and about Grace and about others within; trying to let my concerns go so they wouldn't distract me during the service. I told my God that Yomi needed a wake up call, something to pull her out of the funk with which she was beginning to affect the rest of us.

Then "Revelation Song" came on. Immediately, Tommi and I move to block as much sound from the Black Room as we can since this song is a strong trigger for Yomi. I don't completely understand why, but I have my suspicions it's because she doesn't like to be reminded of the Truth regarding God. As I moved to block it, my instincts told me to stop, to let Yomi hear it. So I did and I prevented Tommi from blocking too...

The effect was immediate.

Yomi was screaming, yelling, crying, cursing. If I had been in the Black Room, I'm sure she would have been hitting me. She wanted us to block it, to make it so she couldn't hear the song. She was so scared. It hurt me to see her like that, but I knew, somehow, that it needed to be done.

Then I heard my God say to me, "You have asked Me before to bring My healing Light into the darkness of the Black Room... It's time. Go into the Black Room. My Light will be with you." I wish I could say I did what He told me to do immediately... But I wasn't so sure this was a good idea. Purposefully triggering Yomi to wake her up is one thing, but bringing light into the Black Room?! And not only that, but God's Light... That was something else entirely. And I told Him so. But He repeated Himself and, after a moment, I conceded.

The others have told me that I wear golden armor now. I never see it, but they have no reason to lie to me. However, I have had a sword of light when I have had need of one, and it appeared at my side this time as well. Drawing it in my left hand, the entire Black Room was filled with brilliant white Light. It was incredible.

Off to my right a ways was the Pit, which I already knew about. Just beyond the circle of white doors stood Nere and Stenno, so they are no longer missing in action. When I looked past them, I saw a huge towering castle that spiraled into the air. It had five spires in total and it had a thick wall surrounding it.

"Go there. I am with you," said the voice from God. When I got there, the gate opened up to a small courtyard. The ground was dusty and the darkness fled from the light of my sword.

Entering the first spiraling tower/building, I came into a long hallway. The walls were covered in tapestries depicting failed battles. They showed dying knights on white horses being overcome by dark enemies with horrible faces twisted in pain. At the far end of the hallway was a huge tapestry from the floor to the ceiling, which was also very high. It showed the moment right before the defeat of a woman knight in white armor. Her enemy was a massive Minotaur-type creature and he was about to plunge his spear into her side. It was beautiful in the sense that it captured the perfect moment as the realization dawns on the white knight that she is going to die. The entire place exuded an air of defeat and depression.

On either side of the tapestry was a door that led to a throne room. Upon the throne was a dark figure. I know from previous experiences with spiritual forces that this was not a demon nor a spirit from outside of us. Whatever this thing was, it's root was from within, which is far more frightening to me.

I asked it's name. "Fear/Defeat," it said, which really didn't surprise me at this point. I told it to leave, that it had no right to be on the throne. It challenged me to a fight (it was more of a fight of wills than an actual sword fight, but the battle of wills visualized into a sword fight). I won the fight, but I did not get rid of the Fear/Defeat. The Fear/Defeat said something about there being five thrones and how this isn't over, which was quite cliche, and then he left. When he fled, black things came from the doors on either sides of the throne dais. At this point, I felt waaaay over my head and the voice from God told me to retreat.

On the way back to the White Room from the Castle, Tommi yelled and screamed at me how it wasn't my place to be there. How he is the one who protects Yomi and how I need to mind my place. I ignored him... I didn't know what else to do. I was so shocked at the extent of hurt and fear that Yomi has been hiding all these years.

When I came back out, good friends of ours were praying for us, for which I am very grateful. They have always been there for Erin whenever we have needed them, even when we think we didn't. I love them very much. After the service, I asked them to pray for Erin and the three of us did.

March 26 - April 1, 2012

I learned at some point that Grace had taken the kids (Bloomer, Ellie, Ginko, and Rachel) to the Room of Requirement to protect them from whatever was going to happen. I'm very glad she did.

I hate to say this, but I ignored Tommi and Yomi for quite a while. Granted, Anguish started her storm up again so I couldn't communicate with them, but I still was stalling; I didn't know what to do. I felt completely out of my league and over my head. I was hoping that nothing would happen until I could talk to our counselor. And despite the constant headache from the storm, everything else was calm.

Talking to our counselor was a huge relief. We came up with a plan of how to start taking care of the Castle since that's not just something you leave alone once you see it.

The major problem was how we were going to get Yomi to consent to going to counselling sessions. Our counselor came up with a great idea: force her to come. I know that sounds like a bad idea since people who don't want to be helped won't be helped, but we figured that if she was coming she had a better chance of getting help than if she was inside doing nothing.

And so I talked it out with Ellie (who has the highest authority among us), Grace, and Tommi. Come to find out, while I was ignoring him, Tommi had gone back into the Castle to assess how "damaged" Yomi is. His imput has been invaluable and his searching put him solidly on the side of making sure Yomi gets the kind of help she desperately needs, even if she hates us in the process.

We haven't confronted Yomi yet, but we plan on giving her a chance to cooperate before we force her into anything. I hope and pray that she decides to be cooperative... I hate having to put her in the position that we're planning on... But when you see someone so blatantly hurting, how can you not move to make sure they get what they need?

My counselor likened it to someone with an eating disorder. When you see with your own eyes someone you love throwing up in the toilet purging their stomach or when you see any other blatant evidence that there is a serious issue... You have to make a choice: push it under the rug or get them help. And if you push it under the rug, how can you claim to love that person?

This is where we have come with Yomi. I have seen with my own eyes the depth of the pain that she is afflicted with, now I have a choice: push it under the rug or get her help. I love Yomi more than anyone else within or without. I absolutely can not push her pain away. I must help her, even if she doesn't want that help.

-- Morrigan Portalis, Warrior of Erin

1 comment:

  1. To quote Obi-Wan Kenobi, "You've taken your first step into a larger world." I have seen for myself where such journeys can take a person and I agree that Yomi should be involved.

    In "The World Ends With You" (a great DS game by the way), there is the concept that one chooses the boundaries of one's own world. If Yomi doesn't expand her boundaries, they won't include the hope and healing at the end of the tunnel.

    "And who knows: starting a new journey may not be so hard. Or maybe it has already begun."-Kingdom Hearts

    Well, that's my 20 cents. Until next time.


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