Illustration -- Tommi

Now, I know that we usually keep our personal life to ourselves and restrict this blog to what happens within, but I feel that this post is sort of about both since it's some of my thoughts on our future.

At the local college we attend, our art professor has kind of taken us under his wing and has been personally mentoring us in art and, sometimes, in life. He knows about all of us; in fact, he was the first man Yomi ever told about us, which is highly impressive since we all have issues with men. Not only does he know, but he's helped make the art studio a safe place for all of us.

Our prof also works as a freelance illustrator/artist and he is very, very good at what he does (if it didn't betray our location, I'd use his name and link to his art... oh well). Because of his profession, I've been asking about what he does and how to go about things and generally learning all I can about what being an illustrator is in actuality. What I've come to realize is that, yes, we want to be a concept artist, however, illustration might be more what Yomi was thinking originally and didn't know it. I know that it flows well with our career goals and it sounds like a lot of fun. I'm not so sure about the freelance part, but I hope that, one day, we're successful enough to be able to do it. In a way, I've already begun our (freelance?) art career by deciding to sell our stuff online during the summer, and I'm excited to see how that turns out.

I've begun to notice that because of my active interest in illustration, my prof has been pushing me more intentionally to where I need to go. For example, Morrigan asked him what I things I could do now to help me head toward where I want to go. His answer was to start collecting art, to figure out what I liked, what I didn't like, why I did or didn't like it. Then imitate it. Learn how to do it. Incorporate new ideas into my work. And so I started that last night; I basically decided that, while I'm on Facebook and G+, I'll browse the internet for some super sweet pictures. (If you're following our G+ page, I'll probably be posting links and/or the pictures I find.) There has been an immediate result within me. I already want to paint more. And not just paint, but little sketches. For the first time ever I actually want to sketch... For just me. Not because I have a project to do. Not because I was told to do it. But because I want to see what I can do. I've never felt that kind of motivation before. It astounds me. My prof said it's as though you feed your creativity by looking at great art so you can turn around and produce great art. So far it's been working and I'm really liking the change it's had in me already. I can only hope that it sticks, but I think I am optimistic about it this time.

-- Tommi

PS to 20 Cents -- Can you please tell your brother that, because of him, we avoid using the phrase "it's like..." as though it is the plague. I think he'll appreciate that.

Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder -- Morrigan

"Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder,

At the mention of Your Name, Jesus Your Name is power

Breath and living water

Such a marvelous mystery!"

("Revelation Song" by Phillips, Craig, & Dean)

I know that many people who read this may not believe in God. That's fine; I'm not trying to change your mind about that. I do believe in God and I believe He communicates clearly with me in regards to helping Erin. You can chose to believe what you want about what has happened. This is simply the truth of the events as I know them.

Oh yeah... This post is going to be quite long... Just a heads up.

It's funny how an average day can change so quickly. One moment everything is going fine or even great. Then one little thing happens and it sets you on a new course of what seems like is disaster. And you're scared because everything has gone from very stable to not stable at all. It's frightening. And if I'm honest about it, I hate it very much.

March 25, 2012

It was an ordinary Sunday morning. I was running a bit behind schedule, like I do every Sunday, as I'm trying to get ready to go. Out the door, in the car, down the road... I'm singing along to the radio as we go. My mom (Erin's mom) has it on the Christian radio station and one of my many favorite worship songs are on. Things look like they are going to be a normal, relaxing Sunday.

Sunday school was really good. I'm in a basic beliefs class and I learned quite a bit. After that is the service, which I love because I love my God so much and I enjoy getting together with people who love Him like I do; there's just something about it... I don't know what it is.

During the beginning prayer, I tell my God my concerns about Yomi and about Grace and about others within; trying to let my concerns go so they wouldn't distract me during the service. I told my God that Yomi needed a wake up call, something to pull her out of the funk with which she was beginning to affect the rest of us.

Then "Revelation Song" came on. Immediately, Tommi and I move to block as much sound from the Black Room as we can since this song is a strong trigger for Yomi. I don't completely understand why, but I have my suspicions it's because she doesn't like to be reminded of the Truth regarding God. As I moved to block it, my instincts told me to stop, to let Yomi hear it. So I did and I prevented Tommi from blocking too...

The effect was immediate.

Yomi was screaming, yelling, crying, cursing. If I had been in the Black Room, I'm sure she would have been hitting me. She wanted us to block it, to make it so she couldn't hear the song. She was so scared. It hurt me to see her like that, but I knew, somehow, that it needed to be done.

Then I heard my God say to me, "You have asked Me before to bring My healing Light into the darkness of the Black Room... It's time. Go into the Black Room. My Light will be with you." I wish I could say I did what He told me to do immediately... But I wasn't so sure this was a good idea. Purposefully triggering Yomi to wake her up is one thing, but bringing light into the Black Room?! And not only that, but God's Light... That was something else entirely. And I told Him so. But He repeated Himself and, after a moment, I conceded.

The others have told me that I wear golden armor now. I never see it, but they have no reason to lie to me. However, I have had a sword of light when I have had need of one, and it appeared at my side this time as well. Drawing it in my left hand, the entire Black Room was filled with brilliant white Light. It was incredible.

Off to my right a ways was the Pit, which I already knew about. Just beyond the circle of white doors stood Nere and Stenno, so they are no longer missing in action. When I looked past them, I saw a huge towering castle that spiraled into the air. It had five spires in total and it had a thick wall surrounding it.

"Go there. I am with you," said the voice from God. When I got there, the gate opened up to a small courtyard. The ground was dusty and the darkness fled from the light of my sword.

Entering the first spiraling tower/building, I came into a long hallway. The walls were covered in tapestries depicting failed battles. They showed dying knights on white horses being overcome by dark enemies with horrible faces twisted in pain. At the far end of the hallway was a huge tapestry from the floor to the ceiling, which was also very high. It showed the moment right before the defeat of a woman knight in white armor. Her enemy was a massive Minotaur-type creature and he was about to plunge his spear into her side. It was beautiful in the sense that it captured the perfect moment as the realization dawns on the white knight that she is going to die. The entire place exuded an air of defeat and depression.

On either side of the tapestry was a door that led to a throne room. Upon the throne was a dark figure. I know from previous experiences with spiritual forces that this was not a demon nor a spirit from outside of us. Whatever this thing was, it's root was from within, which is far more frightening to me.

I asked it's name. "Fear/Defeat," it said, which really didn't surprise me at this point. I told it to leave, that it had no right to be on the throne. It challenged me to a fight (it was more of a fight of wills than an actual sword fight, but the battle of wills visualized into a sword fight). I won the fight, but I did not get rid of the Fear/Defeat. The Fear/Defeat said something about there being five thrones and how this isn't over, which was quite cliche, and then he left. When he fled, black things came from the doors on either sides of the throne dais. At this point, I felt waaaay over my head and the voice from God told me to retreat.

On the way back to the White Room from the Castle, Tommi yelled and screamed at me how it wasn't my place to be there. How he is the one who protects Yomi and how I need to mind my place. I ignored him... I didn't know what else to do. I was so shocked at the extent of hurt and fear that Yomi has been hiding all these years.

When I came back out, good friends of ours were praying for us, for which I am very grateful. They have always been there for Erin whenever we have needed them, even when we think we didn't. I love them very much. After the service, I asked them to pray for Erin and the three of us did.

March 26 - April 1, 2012

I learned at some point that Grace had taken the kids (Bloomer, Ellie, Ginko, and Rachel) to the Room of Requirement to protect them from whatever was going to happen. I'm very glad she did.

I hate to say this, but I ignored Tommi and Yomi for quite a while. Granted, Anguish started her storm up again so I couldn't communicate with them, but I still was stalling; I didn't know what to do. I felt completely out of my league and over my head. I was hoping that nothing would happen until I could talk to our counselor. And despite the constant headache from the storm, everything else was calm.

Talking to our counselor was a huge relief. We came up with a plan of how to start taking care of the Castle since that's not just something you leave alone once you see it.

The major problem was how we were going to get Yomi to consent to going to counselling sessions. Our counselor came up with a great idea: force her to come. I know that sounds like a bad idea since people who don't want to be helped won't be helped, but we figured that if she was coming she had a better chance of getting help than if she was inside doing nothing.

And so I talked it out with Ellie (who has the highest authority among us), Grace, and Tommi. Come to find out, while I was ignoring him, Tommi had gone back into the Castle to assess how "damaged" Yomi is. His imput has been invaluable and his searching put him solidly on the side of making sure Yomi gets the kind of help she desperately needs, even if she hates us in the process.

We haven't confronted Yomi yet, but we plan on giving her a chance to cooperate before we force her into anything. I hope and pray that she decides to be cooperative... I hate having to put her in the position that we're planning on... But when you see someone so blatantly hurting, how can you not move to make sure they get what they need?

My counselor likened it to someone with an eating disorder. When you see with your own eyes someone you love throwing up in the toilet purging their stomach or when you see any other blatant evidence that there is a serious issue... You have to make a choice: push it under the rug or get them help. And if you push it under the rug, how can you claim to love that person?

This is where we have come with Yomi. I have seen with my own eyes the depth of the pain that she is afflicted with, now I have a choice: push it under the rug or get her help. I love Yomi more than anyone else within or without. I absolutely can not push her pain away. I must help her, even if she doesn't want that help.

-- Morrigan Portalis, Warrior of Erin

Sometimes Promises are Hard to Keep -- Grace

"And so I made promises to everyone within that I would never put us in situations that are dangerous or frightening..."

(Myself, November 35, 2011)

I went to the CR group tonight. I feel as though I've been going crazy lately, so I thought it might help a little; I wish I had been right. The state in which I walked away from the meeting was far worse than the state that I walked in with, which is unusual for us. Usually the topic gives us things to think over and helps us at some point in time, but not tonight.

The night's topic was self-destructive behaviors. It resounded so clearly with all the pent up feelings I've been having lately. Feelings of intense restlessness, sexual needs, the desire to socialize in a club-type environment... and much more that I can not explain clearly enough.

Something that people don't exactly realize is that the life I led in the world of Alter was perfectly suited to taking care of those needs. I led a life of uncertain luxury. I had risen through the ranks of society, not because of money, but on the sheer reputation of being an exciting person to be around. I didn't have to be in a city long to be able to find the best clubs, the up-and-coming artists/bands, restaurants on the verge of popularity, and generally the best places in the city to be at any given time. (If, at this point you're wondering how this fits in with the hacker story... I used my position to gain access to information in order to siphon off funds . I was rarely caught.)

On top of that, by Alter's standards, I'm drop dead gorgeous. From what I understand, I'd still be beautiful here. I am a small person with naturally curly, fiery hair and emerald eyes amid a generous spattering of freckles. I had idealistic beauty according to rich society. Life was easy to get by in, because, as soon as one "Benefactor" grew tired of me, there was always another only minutes away. Sometimes, I would move to a new city when I grew tired of the old one.

So I went from that life of excitement... and moved to one of utter moronic boredom.

In many ways, I don't mind. It marks a new part of life and I am determined to embrace it... But the withdrawal symptoms... Restlessness... Needs... Desires... Wants... All of which are considered "dangerous" or "frightening" to act upon by many of the others inside, which means I cannot take care of them in the ways that I am accustomed.

So I find new ways... Where do I look? What is there in this god-forsaken place? I've looked at the things available in this area and it's all about antiques, guns, wineries/vineyards, bed & breakfasts, and lots and lots of hiking trails... I would love to go to a winery, but, between medication lack of funds, I can't go.

Lack of funds is a huge problem. I haven't had to think about it in a long time. Suddenly not able to go where I want, when I want. It's strange. The next town over has a very happening bar scene as well as a music scene, but Morrigan and Tommi have told me to stay away from bars and we haven't the funds to go to shows anyway.

I feel stuck in so many ways. I desperately want to keep my promises... But the longer that I cannot take care of my needs, the more they build up and create a pressure that drives me insane. I've felt it building for quite a while now and I'm becoming afraid that I'm going to blow up.

And the scariest thing, I don't even know what it will look like on this side of reality.

So I have no way to protect the others from myself except to keep shoving the feelings away...

But that causes more pressure...

And the fuse is getting shorter...

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boom

Second Life -- Morrigan

I'm so excited! After having several talks with my pastor over the course of several weeks, I'm finally getting baptized this week.

After a series of significant events and the influence of people like Scott and Laura, and Tim and Jenny, I became a Christian January 5th. Looking back, I can see how good God has been to me my whole life. I can see how He has given me the skills and tools I've needed to become the person I am today, and I love the person who I have become. Since accepting Jesus' offer of equal exchange, I clearly see and know how much help I have been given. I have calm assurance that everything is going to work out for our good as we work towards our goals. I have been given guidance on how to work with others within; when to say what, when to act, when to stay silent. It's rather uncanny and I know that it is not something of myself.

I have seen my own heart change, even within these few weeks. I no longer am hostile toward my brother, Jihan (If you knew how much I hated him, then you would know how much of a miracle that is). I am no longer threatened by Blissy (if you have heard anything about her, then you would know how amazing that is). I have had dialogues with both of them very recently and it's been very good. I am looking forward with great expectations in regards to my relationships with them.

And then there is this bubbling happiness that never leaves me. Even when I'm irritated or completely bummed out by something (like I was today when some guy at art class stole my Pepsi... GAAAAH!!), it is always there under the surface and I am not irritated for long. I'm pretty sure people call it joy, but I love to call it constant bubbling happiness, because that's what it feels like. I feel it where ever I'm going and whatever I'm doing. I wish everyone could have what I have because every person would be better for it.

-- Morrigan Portalis, Warrior of Erin

Disclaimer -- Bloomer

In reading comments, I realized how misleading our blog can be since we don't talk about our external personal life. So I'd like to make a disclaimer and explain a few things.

This blog's purpose is about our internal world/structure and our journey to understand ourselves and our past. We have chosen not to disclose our external personal life unless it is relevant to the topic at hand.

That said, we do have friends; we are quite social as a whole, in fact. We have hobbies: video games (Tommi plays Oblivion IV for pc), reading (The Dresden Files by Jim Butcher, The Leviathan Series by Scott Westerfeld, to name a few), art (we are pursuing an art career, plus Ellie LOVES to color), math (well, mostly only I love math), and many other things.

Many nights we are out to the early hours of the morning with a few friends who know and are comfortable with us all. In fact, we love hanging out with friends at the local McDonald's because their lobby is open 24/7. Actually, Ellie and I have been lobbying the others to not stay out quite so late since we don't enjoy being tired in the mornings. They do a pretty good job of paying attention to how much they stay out and when Ellie and I have our allotted times outside.

We attend a local college trying to finish a general Associates Degree.

We're also trying to find things to do over the summer so we don't get bored and create more chaos inside, which tends to happen when Yomi is either bored or avoiding emotions. We have a few ideas. Yomi's considering joining a local community orchestra on flute. Tommi and I are trying to figure out how to volunteer/intern at a computer place. Ellie's wanting to overcome her phobia of swings so she can play on a playground. Tommi is also wanting to learn to do cosmetology stuff this summer; things like dying or cutting hair and doing make up and stuff. Morrigan hasn't figured out what she'd want to do for herself yet. Oh, and Tommi's doing a travelling journal type thing where he finds fascinating things in our area to do and writes about them.

All in all, we're fairly active. Which is one of the reasons why the previous post was at the beginning of December and now it's the end of the middle of January. Between then and now, we've visited Erin's relatives (who are all really cool people), celebrated Christmas, and are vaguely being a part of planning a sister's wedding (that's mostly Yomi's deal). I mean, we've done more, I just can't think of what.

We are also in individual therapy as well as group therapy (which is loosely based on Celebrate Recovery).

If you don't hear about our external life, it's not because it is non-existent. It's only because we don't wish to share it on this blog. However, our Google+ account has more of our external life if any readers are interested.

Thank you all.

-- Bloomer