Some people say that we never stop loving our first love, and, to a certain extent, I think it's true. That person holds a special role because they were the one who taught us how to love another, whether they are conscious of the lessoning or not.
But what happens when your first love never returned the sentiment? What kind of grief tears and rends' the lover's heart? This rending I know all too well.
On to of that rending grief, imagine having kept the love--such an enormous expenditure of the heart--secret for years? Imagine the grief then. This too I know too well.
For the sake of conversation, I shall call him "John," which is not his real name, not that it really matters much. This John, I met him nearly ten years ago, which could even be eleven years at this point; I fell in love with him almost immediately, though it took me at least four years to understand that. I was only twelve at the time, so I suppose my confusion was understandable.
After the realization that I did, in fact, love John, I cannot begin to describe the grief it brought me. I knew from the beginning that it would never go anywhere with John and I. I was the girl next door, the best friend who happened to be a girl, the person with whom he could talk about anything. I adored the friendship we had made and I was loathe to change the status quo. Our friendship was easy, simple and I didn't dare complicate it with something I so firmly believed would not work. So I stayed silent for three years after the discovery.
It was painful, beyond painful. It was agony. Love is not something to be locked away, but I did so everyday, only unchaining it at night to ravage my heart and soul. I still bear the scars.
When I could take it no longer, I decided to breach the subject with John... It took me a year, but I finally did it, though it caused even more anguish since he did not return my feelings. More grief followed, as did awkward meetings after our discussion, but we both pushed through it.
Four months later, all the grief from seven long, horrible years of hidden, secretive love, it was all turned off as a light blinks out with the flick of a switch.
I was grateful; I thought it was an answered prayer from God; an answer that lasted two and a half years.
Then I met the Anguish with its overwhelming sorrow and grief that is a shocking blow. My first meeting with the Anguish all I could manage to do was cry with heaving sobs, not understanding what was happening. Since then, I have gained insight as to what the Anguish is exactly; Morrigan has been quite helpful here.
When I would communicate with it in order to figure out what memories and emotions created it, the Anguish would only reply with mild things: homesickness for Okinawa, losing friends due to moving, or my dad suddenly not spending time with me... Not even all these things together accounted for the sheer enormousness that is Anguish. It was Morrigan who finally figured it out.
I woke up one morning to find a note from Morrigan that read: You idiot! The Anguish holds onto your grief for John that you never processed properly. Have fun with that.
And this is where the dots connected: the prolonged grief, its sudden disappearance, Anguish's massiveness... It all makes sense...
Now I must wrestle with this grief a second time. I can only hope my present situation is better so it does not throw me into another downward suicidal spiral as it did the first time around.
Here's to second chances.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
A Day in the Life -- Morrigan
We had gotten in a fight last night, Yomi and I. Yomi thought it would be a good idea for me to be in control for a day to see what it was like and to know [how] her schedule worked. "Better now when we are in control of the situation rather than wait until we have no choice." That was her idea. I wasn't so sure about this. Sure, I had made mention of possibly talking to Roberta, but I didn't think Yomi would actually let me do it.
I apparently lost the fight since I was the one to wake up this morning. Yomi has been absent for the most part, unless I needed her knowledge about people and places.
Attending Physics class reminded me of my GED classes... Highly unpleasant with a condescending teacher.
Yomi's art class... She had told me that the prof knew about us and would allow us to use the studio as a safe place, but I didn't believe. I was told they were still critiquing midterms and I wouldn't have to participate. They were all working on drawings when I walked in. When I spoke with Yomi's teacher, he seemed to understand that I wasn't Yomi and he allowed me to stay even though I wasn't working; I didn't want to have to interact with Yomi's family any more than I had to. So I stayed and took a nap, leaving when people were putting away their things. The professor said to tell Yomi "hi".
Then I drove back to Yomi's house, fulling expecting and hoping for the place to be empty. No such luck, but Yomi is a simple person to impersonate... It was like I have done this many times before.
Counseling was much different than I am used to. My old counselor, Kimberly, allowed me to discuss whatever I wanted really. However, Roberta led the conversation and asked poignant questions; I see why Yomi likes her.
And now I write, trying to appear to those in the house like I am Yomi, a boring task.
--------------------
A note from Yomi:
Morrigan and I have discussed what she meant by "It was like I have done this many times before." It seems that she can vaguely remember coming out in my stead and acting like me before this time. This is not unusual from what I've been told of MPD cases, rather, it seems to be expected.
I apparently lost the fight since I was the one to wake up this morning. Yomi has been absent for the most part, unless I needed her knowledge about people and places.
Attending Physics class reminded me of my GED classes... Highly unpleasant with a condescending teacher.
Yomi's art class... She had told me that the prof knew about us and would allow us to use the studio as a safe place, but I didn't believe. I was told they were still critiquing midterms and I wouldn't have to participate. They were all working on drawings when I walked in. When I spoke with Yomi's teacher, he seemed to understand that I wasn't Yomi and he allowed me to stay even though I wasn't working; I didn't want to have to interact with Yomi's family any more than I had to. So I stayed and took a nap, leaving when people were putting away their things. The professor said to tell Yomi "hi".
Then I drove back to Yomi's house, fulling expecting and hoping for the place to be empty. No such luck, but Yomi is a simple person to impersonate... It was like I have done this many times before.
Counseling was much different than I am used to. My old counselor, Kimberly, allowed me to discuss whatever I wanted really. However, Roberta led the conversation and asked poignant questions; I see why Yomi likes her.
And now I write, trying to appear to those in the house like I am Yomi, a boring task.
--------------------
A note from Yomi:
Morrigan and I have discussed what she meant by "It was like I have done this many times before." It seems that she can vaguely remember coming out in my stead and acting like me before this time. This is not unusual from what I've been told of MPD cases, rather, it seems to be expected.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
About Marie-Shiloh -- Yomi
Of all the alters, Marie-Shiloh is perhaps the one I know the least about. Whenever I have tried to ask questions, they have always been avoided, deflected, or ignored. In spite of that, I do know some interesting things.
I first noticed Marie-Shiloh's presence back in middle school when my family first moved to Illinois; this would be about ten years ago now. She really just "lurked" at the back of my mind until the summer of my second year of college. What I mean by "lurking" is that I could sense a presence, not my own, with me in my own mind. The main reason why this did not terrify me, I believe, is that my friends and I would draw characters from our imaginations constantly. I thought that this "lurker" was merely a character that was reluctant to come forward and introduce herself. I thought that my friends felt this lurking sensation when they were creating characters; I thought it was my imagination working and creating.
Over that past two years, I have learned some very important things about Marie-Shiloh. First, Marie-Shiloh is actually two alters. I'm not sure when it happened, but Shiloh split off from Marie to be the protector. Yes, this does in fact mean that Marie has MPD as well, which is just highly interesting and, from what I've understood, is rather unusual. Second, until very recently, Shiloh would be in control about 95% of the time; the only times I saw Marie were when she was freaking out about one thing or another, usually it was because she thought someone was chasing her. Since I asked Marie-Shiloh if she wanted to stay in the Room of Requirement, Marie has been in control much more often; in fact, whenever I see her, it is usually Marie and not Shiloh in control. This is helpful because I do not know much about Marie's personal history.
The little I do know is that Shiloh helped her escape from a mental institution. When asked about what happened, Shiloh replies with "she had a bad experience," which isn't helpful at all. When I spoke to Marie the first time, she was super paranoid and was convinced that someone was drugging her and, while she was unconscious, moving her to different locations. When I finally talked to Shiloh, I immediately understood what was going on, however, Shiloh did not wish Marie to know about his existence. Marie, as far as I know, still knows nothing about Shiloh. As for Shiloh's personality, he's a rather 2-dimensional person; he exists to protect Marie from anything that might harm her, that's as far as it goes.
Within the past week and a half, I made a new discovery. I was cleaning out my room in my parent's house and I found some old t-shirts from when my family lived on Okinawa, Japan. Wonderfully enough, some of the shirts still fit since they swamped me back then. One of the shirts was from a program called Young Marines, which is a Marine version of ROTC but you can be in it from a much younger age. I made a comment to my mom about finding it, and Marie answered saying that she had been in Young Marines when she was younger too. This was a shock because Marie doesn't usually initiate conversation and this was my first time realizing that my alters and I had the same memories about different things. After discussing it with Marie, our memories about Young Marines were almost identical, which means that Marie was definitely around for Okinawa. Nickie's current theory about that is that Marie was the personality in control when my family lived on Okinawa. The switch from her to me would have theoretically happened sometime between Okinawa and Illinois... The theory isn't solid, but it makes a bit of sense.
I have maybe two drawings of Marie-Shiloh; one from middle school, and one from summer 2009. I am not very sure what I have done with either drawing, which is rather frustrating. She is also beginning to change her appearance as I get to know her; this is a phenomenon I have seen with Morrigan as well. The more I get to know Marie, the more human she becomes.
Originally, Marie was a feline Anthro with dark purple and bright orange stripe markings. I stopped drawing her, because a good friend of mine told me the design was ugly, so I put it down only to pick it back up almost ten years later. As Marie has become more human, I noticed that she has an Asian look to her, but she would not be full Asian. She has straight black hair a few inches past her shoulders, almond shaped eyes, and dark-ish skin. I say that she is not full Asian because her face structure is not quite right.
This is really all I know about Marie-Shiloh. I'll post some pictures when I find them.
I first noticed Marie-Shiloh's presence back in middle school when my family first moved to Illinois; this would be about ten years ago now. She really just "lurked" at the back of my mind until the summer of my second year of college. What I mean by "lurking" is that I could sense a presence, not my own, with me in my own mind. The main reason why this did not terrify me, I believe, is that my friends and I would draw characters from our imaginations constantly. I thought that this "lurker" was merely a character that was reluctant to come forward and introduce herself. I thought that my friends felt this lurking sensation when they were creating characters; I thought it was my imagination working and creating.
Over that past two years, I have learned some very important things about Marie-Shiloh. First, Marie-Shiloh is actually two alters. I'm not sure when it happened, but Shiloh split off from Marie to be the protector. Yes, this does in fact mean that Marie has MPD as well, which is just highly interesting and, from what I've understood, is rather unusual. Second, until very recently, Shiloh would be in control about 95% of the time; the only times I saw Marie were when she was freaking out about one thing or another, usually it was because she thought someone was chasing her. Since I asked Marie-Shiloh if she wanted to stay in the Room of Requirement, Marie has been in control much more often; in fact, whenever I see her, it is usually Marie and not Shiloh in control. This is helpful because I do not know much about Marie's personal history.
The little I do know is that Shiloh helped her escape from a mental institution. When asked about what happened, Shiloh replies with "she had a bad experience," which isn't helpful at all. When I spoke to Marie the first time, she was super paranoid and was convinced that someone was drugging her and, while she was unconscious, moving her to different locations. When I finally talked to Shiloh, I immediately understood what was going on, however, Shiloh did not wish Marie to know about his existence. Marie, as far as I know, still knows nothing about Shiloh. As for Shiloh's personality, he's a rather 2-dimensional person; he exists to protect Marie from anything that might harm her, that's as far as it goes.
Within the past week and a half, I made a new discovery. I was cleaning out my room in my parent's house and I found some old t-shirts from when my family lived on Okinawa, Japan. Wonderfully enough, some of the shirts still fit since they swamped me back then. One of the shirts was from a program called Young Marines, which is a Marine version of ROTC but you can be in it from a much younger age. I made a comment to my mom about finding it, and Marie answered saying that she had been in Young Marines when she was younger too. This was a shock because Marie doesn't usually initiate conversation and this was my first time realizing that my alters and I had the same memories about different things. After discussing it with Marie, our memories about Young Marines were almost identical, which means that Marie was definitely around for Okinawa. Nickie's current theory about that is that Marie was the personality in control when my family lived on Okinawa. The switch from her to me would have theoretically happened sometime between Okinawa and Illinois... The theory isn't solid, but it makes a bit of sense.
I have maybe two drawings of Marie-Shiloh; one from middle school, and one from summer 2009. I am not very sure what I have done with either drawing, which is rather frustrating. She is also beginning to change her appearance as I get to know her; this is a phenomenon I have seen with Morrigan as well. The more I get to know Marie, the more human she becomes.
Originally, Marie was a feline Anthro with dark purple and bright orange stripe markings. I stopped drawing her, because a good friend of mine told me the design was ugly, so I put it down only to pick it back up almost ten years later. As Marie has become more human, I noticed that she has an Asian look to her, but she would not be full Asian. She has straight black hair a few inches past her shoulders, almond shaped eyes, and dark-ish skin. I say that she is not full Asian because her face structure is not quite right.
This is really all I know about Marie-Shiloh. I'll post some pictures when I find them.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
And I wonder, should this worry me? -- Yomi
It's been a long while since I've posted and so much has happened... Yet at the same time, not much at all...
Since Guilt forced me to deal with things, people in my head have gotten quieter. It took what seemed like a long time, but I have been able to sleep without seeing that man. A few nights ago, I even started sleeping without a nightlight or the closet light on. So, I guess that's progress...
My personal life has been chaotic and stressful. My car broke down as my girlfriend and I were trying to get to her relative's house; taking care of that was... very stressful. I have been living at my parent's house for the past few weeks. They have offered me a place to stay, and eventually Nickie too, while we get back on our feet. Things started out very rough with my parents... It felt like I couldn't enter a room without feeling imaginary guilt for something, just like it was back in high school.
All the stress compounded and eventually my mind when into lock down mode. I could not enter the Black Room, nor could I communicate with Little Erin via her walky-talky or Morrigan via her cell phone. I didn't hear from anyone for several days until I was baking a cake and Morrigan was getting upset with something I was doing wrong and she was able to get through some how. (By the way, if you do not have a sifter for your powdered sugar, a whisk works equally as well.)
It was only when I made my way back to central Illinois to the Roy's house (where Nickie and I had been staying since December) did the Black Room open up again. The moment it opened, Guilt yelled, "It's about fucking time!" It made me smile a lot; I hadn't realized how weird it was to have such a quiet mind. However, since it's opened back up, I still haven't heard much from the others and it's become harder to enter the Black Room. My theory is that I'm just not relaxed enough to be able to do it well.
I'm not sure if this should worry me. I mean, large amounts of stress does weird things to everyone, so it makes sense to me that something like that could happen. I think what bothers me more is how quiet everyone has been. It makes me wonder if it is the quiet before a storm or if it is just going to be calmer for a while.
If there is a "storm" coming, my next worry is about my parents with whom I am currently staying. My mom only today gave any indication that she thinks I have MPD; I had told her when it was confirmed by my counselor. I don't know how they'll take me not being me at some point. What if Guilt comes out when they're around? Or Morrigan? Heaven forbid, Blissy. Little Erin and Guilt have come around when it was very late at night and they both promised to not leave my bedroom. But during the day, I might not have that luxury. It is so common for people with MPD to go to sleep and wake up days later not knowing where they are or how they got there. I've taken it for granted that it's not happened to me, but I must wonder what will happen if it ever does... I just hope my parents are understanding enough to believe me when their daughter tells them her name isn't Erin, it's something else. I just hope they don't get angry with me...
My counselor thinks that the amount of control I have over all of us is what keeps them from taking over randomly. She says that I need to find a time to let them out, to tell them that they all will have their turn having their own voice that will be heard. But it frightens me, because, when I am co-conscious, I have no control over what they do. I can give them information about where things are or who people are, but other than that, I have no control. I don't know if letting them out like that is something I can do.
Since Guilt forced me to deal with things, people in my head have gotten quieter. It took what seemed like a long time, but I have been able to sleep without seeing that man. A few nights ago, I even started sleeping without a nightlight or the closet light on. So, I guess that's progress...
My personal life has been chaotic and stressful. My car broke down as my girlfriend and I were trying to get to her relative's house; taking care of that was... very stressful. I have been living at my parent's house for the past few weeks. They have offered me a place to stay, and eventually Nickie too, while we get back on our feet. Things started out very rough with my parents... It felt like I couldn't enter a room without feeling imaginary guilt for something, just like it was back in high school.
All the stress compounded and eventually my mind when into lock down mode. I could not enter the Black Room, nor could I communicate with Little Erin via her walky-talky or Morrigan via her cell phone. I didn't hear from anyone for several days until I was baking a cake and Morrigan was getting upset with something I was doing wrong and she was able to get through some how. (By the way, if you do not have a sifter for your powdered sugar, a whisk works equally as well.)
It was only when I made my way back to central Illinois to the Roy's house (where Nickie and I had been staying since December) did the Black Room open up again. The moment it opened, Guilt yelled, "It's about fucking time!" It made me smile a lot; I hadn't realized how weird it was to have such a quiet mind. However, since it's opened back up, I still haven't heard much from the others and it's become harder to enter the Black Room. My theory is that I'm just not relaxed enough to be able to do it well.
I'm not sure if this should worry me. I mean, large amounts of stress does weird things to everyone, so it makes sense to me that something like that could happen. I think what bothers me more is how quiet everyone has been. It makes me wonder if it is the quiet before a storm or if it is just going to be calmer for a while.
If there is a "storm" coming, my next worry is about my parents with whom I am currently staying. My mom only today gave any indication that she thinks I have MPD; I had told her when it was confirmed by my counselor. I don't know how they'll take me not being me at some point. What if Guilt comes out when they're around? Or Morrigan? Heaven forbid, Blissy. Little Erin and Guilt have come around when it was very late at night and they both promised to not leave my bedroom. But during the day, I might not have that luxury. It is so common for people with MPD to go to sleep and wake up days later not knowing where they are or how they got there. I've taken it for granted that it's not happened to me, but I must wonder what will happen if it ever does... I just hope my parents are understanding enough to believe me when their daughter tells them her name isn't Erin, it's something else. I just hope they don't get angry with me...
My counselor thinks that the amount of control I have over all of us is what keeps them from taking over randomly. She says that I need to find a time to let them out, to tell them that they all will have their turn having their own voice that will be heard. But it frightens me, because, when I am co-conscious, I have no control over what they do. I can give them information about where things are or who people are, but other than that, I have no control. I don't know if letting them out like that is something I can do.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
About Little Erin -- Yomi
Over the past few days I have learned much more about Little Erin and what exactly she means to me. (In the picture below, Little Erin would be the girl on the bottom step.)
When I first met Little Erin it was at the insistence of Blissy. I had just had been scared while taking a shower and Blissy asked me if I wanted to see what she thought I looked like. Before I could answer, she had shoved a mirror in front of my face and I was looking at the reflection of what I looked like at 6 years old, or there about. When I put the mirror down, there in front of me stood my reflection. I asked her her name and she replied with my full name. This little girl was me when I was a child, and it scared the crap out of me.
Since then, I made her the Room of Requirement in order that she has a place to stay outside the reach of Blissy.
Little Erin is a charming little girl; full of wonder and curiosity. Nickie adores her and shows Little Erin all sorts of things when she comes out. Little Erin still thinks it's 1995, even though we have explained multiple times that it isn't, that her body is older now. She doesn't look in mirrors because it truly weirds her out that she is tall, her hand are big, and that, instead of white hair, she now has black.
Nickie and I have been slowly exposing her to the Disney movies that she missed out on and the video games we know she will love. To her, the original Nintendo (NES) is the only platform available. We haven't shown her the Wii just yet, but she has seen internet games. The internet itself was somewhat hard to explain, but it was managed. All in all, Little Erin is a bright and obedient girl.
---------------------
I have been learning recently that her and I have a much stronger connection than even Morrigan and I have. At first it frightened me, I didn't understand why being around Little Erin made me feel so vulnerable. So I was happy to pass her off to Nickie whenever she came out; it doesn't help that I have no earthly idea of what to do with a child that age.
Little Erin still makes me feel vulnerable, but now, at least, I understand why and that it is okay. After she shared the memory of the man at the playground with me, I had naively thought that she did not hold anything connected to those memories... Looking back, I cannot believe how stupid I was to assume this. Little Erin is a frightened and scared little girl that still has no idea of what to do with the memories that she has tried so hard to forget. She made me feel vulnerable because we had the same pain, the same questions, the same fears... I didn't realize this until she wrote down her memories. I can't believe I was so wrapped up in my own pain that I missed hers. Her and I get along much better now that we understand one another.
--------------------
From what I can tell, Little Erin experienced abuse from the man at the playground six different times causing the splits for Guilt, Jihan, Marie, Morrigan, and Yomi. The current theory is that after Little Erin could not handle life, Marie took over. I do not know when the transition from Marie to Yomi happened. This theory has flaws, but it's the best I have for now.
-- Yomi
--------------------
(Little Erin is the girl in the bottom right corner.)
When I first met Little Erin it was at the insistence of Blissy. I had just had been scared while taking a shower and Blissy asked me if I wanted to see what she thought I looked like. Before I could answer, she had shoved a mirror in front of my face and I was looking at the reflection of what I looked like at 6 years old, or there about. When I put the mirror down, there in front of me stood my reflection. I asked her her name and she replied with my full name. This little girl was me when I was a child, and it scared the crap out of me. Since then, I made her the Room of Requirement in order that she has a place to stay outside the reach of Blissy.
Little Erin is a charming little girl; full of wonder and curiosity. Nickie adores her and shows Little Erin all sorts of things when she comes out. Little Erin still thinks it's 1995, even though we have explained multiple times that it isn't, that her body is older now. She doesn't look in mirrors because it truly weirds her out that she is tall, her hand are big, and that, instead of white hair, she now has black.
Nickie and I have been slowly exposing her to the Disney movies that she missed out on and the video games we know she will love. To her, the original Nintendo (NES) is the only platform available. We haven't shown her the Wii just yet, but she has seen internet games. The internet itself was somewhat hard to explain, but it was managed. All in all, Little Erin is a bright and obedient girl.
---------------------
I have been learning recently that her and I have a much stronger connection than even Morrigan and I have. At first it frightened me, I didn't understand why being around Little Erin made me feel so vulnerable. So I was happy to pass her off to Nickie whenever she came out; it doesn't help that I have no earthly idea of what to do with a child that age.
Little Erin still makes me feel vulnerable, but now, at least, I understand why and that it is okay. After she shared the memory of the man at the playground with me, I had naively thought that she did not hold anything connected to those memories... Looking back, I cannot believe how stupid I was to assume this. Little Erin is a frightened and scared little girl that still has no idea of what to do with the memories that she has tried so hard to forget. She made me feel vulnerable because we had the same pain, the same questions, the same fears... I didn't realize this until she wrote down her memories. I can't believe I was so wrapped up in my own pain that I missed hers. Her and I get along much better now that we understand one another.
--------------------
From what I can tell, Little Erin experienced abuse from the man at the playground six different times causing the splits for Guilt, Jihan, Marie, Morrigan, and Yomi. The current theory is that after Little Erin could not handle life, Marie took over. I do not know when the transition from Marie to Yomi happened. This theory has flaws, but it's the best I have for now.
-- Yomi
--------------------
(Little Erin is the girl in the bottom right corner.)
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