I apparently disappeared a few days ago for a few hours... I wasn't just unconscious like when people sleep, but Morrigan looked for me everywhere, even searching rooms I have barely spoken of here. Before, when I have been asleep, Morrigan can wake me up by calling my name... Apparently she called my name for quite some time, but I didn't answer nor could I hear her.
I don't know where I went, those few hours--seven to be precise--are as blank to me as if they never happened. One moment, I am taking a shower. The next thing I know, I hear Morrigan calling my name, I am lying in bed, and it is the next morning. I'm just glad I didn't have to go to class that day.
Little Erin keeps trying to talk to me about our "same hurt" and it scares me, because I don't know what she's talking about but she insists that it is "verry impornant." My girlfriend seems to think that I've forgotten... but I don't think I knew about it in the first place... But I have blog entries that have my name on them saying I wrote them... but I don't remember writing them.
Little Erin tried talking to me in the middle of church... not her best idea so far. It all resulted in chaos inside the Black Room. Morrigan and Jihan in fighting hand to hand; Little Erin alternating between shouting at me and running from Blissy; Guilt waltzed through the madness at some point; I just huddled under the small force-field dome I erected to protect me from them. I learned later that Guilt was taking care of my body during church to make me look like I was more okay that I actually was.
Things settled down after a while, Jihan and Guilt returned to his apartment, Shiloh took Little Erin to the Room of Requirement, Morrigan shoved me back into Reality. I started distracting myself. I watched "Inception" with my parents... which only served to remind me of arguments Morrigan and I had had back when she still lived in Alter. (We would argue about who's reality was real.) Then I watched "The Fall" which is a phenomenal film that everyone should see before they die. Directly after that was a Bible study, after which I hung out at a friend's house... By time I returned to my parent's house, it was time to sleep. From when I woke up til now, everyone has been silent. Morrigan has not even pipped up to try to convince me to talk to her about recent events. I am truly glad for the quiet this time.
Ever since I have returned from my seemingly random disappearance, I have had a hard time keeping track of who I am. I ask myself questions:
Am I Yomi?
I don't know... The name doesn't seem to fit quite right.
Am I Morrigan?
No, I hear Morrigan clearly protesting.
Who am I? Am I who everyone thinks I am?
I don't know... Am I really Yomi? I don't know... I guess I am?
This scares me. I have always known who I was. There were times where I was afraid of loosing track of myself, but it had never happened before. Morrigan and I have gotten tangled with one another when we have tried to switch too fast or too often, but it didn't take long before one of the two of us extracted ourselves, usually Morrigan.
I thought I had such a good handle of what was going on... But this... I don't know what is happening to us and it's scaring me.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
The more the merrier -- Yomi
Last Monday, April 18, I was on my way to meet up with my pastor to give him an update about how things were going especially in conjunction with the resolution of some of my God issues. I was ranting to Morrigan about how frustrated I was that I have no job... I made some comment about how many applications I had put in, and a little girl's voice I did not recognize stated that I never turned the hard-copy applications in... So many things ran through my head at that moment.
When I asked the little girl who she was, she told me that she was not supposed to tell me. It had the feel of "stranger danger" and it made me smile. I have given her the nickname "Honey."
During the 30min drive to the church, we had a conversation about everything from her favorite color (yellow) to where she is (she had no idea). She identified at least three other kids, besides herself, who all used to live in Sierra's house. They knew Morrigan and were given a lot of rules by Sierra as to what they could and could not talk about to whom. They were specifically instructed to not talk to me or anyone else who was not from Alter.
The two others that are with Honey are Bloomer and Rachel. The three of them go everywhere together as a unit and Morrigan and I have been referring to them as the Orphans. Honey is human, seems to be about 2 or 3 years old and is very chatty despite Bloomer's attempts to keep her quiet. Bloomer is a 9 year old Cat-boy (a human with cat ears and tail) and he tries very hard to follow the rules Sierra gave him. Rachel is also human but seems to be too young to even talk.
While trying to understand where they were located, Honey said that they were moved to a black, wall-less place recently. This sounds like the Black Room to me, and the timing of the move would be shortly after Morrigan cornered and questioned Sierra about what her dealings with the "Government" were about. Morrigan said that all Sierra would say is that she "cannot talk about what the Government has done nor about the secrets it keeps." Morrigan thinks that Sierra is the Secret Keeper... Which kind of makes sense. This makes me nervous because I wonder what all has happened that I do not know about...
Morrigan has also done some more poking around and has discovered that Sierra's house has been completely emptied, including Morrigan's room (she is not thrilled about this). So once again, Sierra is MIA. The current assumption is that Sierra has moved in order to better protect the secrets that are her responsibility.
A day or so ago, Tommy started talking to Morrigan and then to me. He is about 13 years old and is a Beagle Anthro. Tommy is very sarcastic and cynical. He has been interesting to get to know.
Currently, things on the inside have calmed down and it is very quiet. I am not sure if this is comforting or disconcerting... But I guess I should start getting used to this cycle of louds and quiets.
When I asked the little girl who she was, she told me that she was not supposed to tell me. It had the feel of "stranger danger" and it made me smile. I have given her the nickname "Honey."
During the 30min drive to the church, we had a conversation about everything from her favorite color (yellow) to where she is (she had no idea). She identified at least three other kids, besides herself, who all used to live in Sierra's house. They knew Morrigan and were given a lot of rules by Sierra as to what they could and could not talk about to whom. They were specifically instructed to not talk to me or anyone else who was not from Alter.
The two others that are with Honey are Bloomer and Rachel. The three of them go everywhere together as a unit and Morrigan and I have been referring to them as the Orphans. Honey is human, seems to be about 2 or 3 years old and is very chatty despite Bloomer's attempts to keep her quiet. Bloomer is a 9 year old Cat-boy (a human with cat ears and tail) and he tries very hard to follow the rules Sierra gave him. Rachel is also human but seems to be too young to even talk.
While trying to understand where they were located, Honey said that they were moved to a black, wall-less place recently. This sounds like the Black Room to me, and the timing of the move would be shortly after Morrigan cornered and questioned Sierra about what her dealings with the "Government" were about. Morrigan said that all Sierra would say is that she "cannot talk about what the Government has done nor about the secrets it keeps." Morrigan thinks that Sierra is the Secret Keeper... Which kind of makes sense. This makes me nervous because I wonder what all has happened that I do not know about...
Morrigan has also done some more poking around and has discovered that Sierra's house has been completely emptied, including Morrigan's room (she is not thrilled about this). So once again, Sierra is MIA. The current assumption is that Sierra has moved in order to better protect the secrets that are her responsibility.
A day or so ago, Tommy started talking to Morrigan and then to me. He is about 13 years old and is a Beagle Anthro. Tommy is very sarcastic and cynical. He has been interesting to get to know.
Currently, things on the inside have calmed down and it is very quiet. I am not sure if this is comforting or disconcerting... But I guess I should start getting used to this cycle of louds and quiets.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
A Rose by Any Other Name -- Morrigan
I do not want comments about this, please.
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Grief does funny things to you. It pierces. It cripples. It tears. It lames. I suppose it doesn't really matter what action it takes... It only brings with it the fresh pain.
Seven months ago I was told my reality did not exist outside Erin's mind. A few months ago, I finally accepted that fact. The world of Alter itself I could live without. Granted, I loved Chicago... but I could do without the uncertainty of walking down the street. Some of the other "characters," like Honda or Eisel, I could do without. I miss Honda sometimes, she was the closest thing to an aunt I had, but really it doesn't bother me that she's gone. I can handle my whole world crashing down, literally... but then I remember him...
I think of his name and my throat closes up. I remember some of his mannerisms or accent and tears prick my eyes.
"Hey Morri, do you smell that?"
"Morri, was that a pothole? I swear there was cement there yesterday!"
"Can you describe that to me? I want to see with your eyes."
"Morri! Take off your shoes right here. This spot of grass is amazing."
He was so child-like, so full of wonder. He had never seen the United States with his own eyes, but he loved to describe what he thought it looked like. He would try to explain skyscrapers in the words of someone who had only seen a jungle. He was so amazing... and I treated him with such disdain for so long.
I traded his love for my indifference and hard-heartedness. No, I didn't act that was all the time; he wore down my hard heart after a while. But I never got the chance to tell him that I loved him in return. Sometimes I like to pretend like he knew but he just didn't tell me. But that thought would be smashed when I happened to catch a glimpse of an expression when he thought no one could see him... It was so melancholic... So pained... I knew that look. I knew what it meant... And I wish I had had the time to take it all away.
Yet at the same time, I am so glad I never got to tell him. How much worse would it have been if I had opened my heart to a mere figment of someone else's imagination? I had opened my heart up in secret, how much more damage would have been done if the love was not locked away? He was so open about how he felt. He would tell me he loved me. He told me he was waiting for me, but I made him wait too long.
He is gone now. I am left only with the pain in my heart and the scar that proves he once existed.
----------
Grief does funny things to you. It pierces. It cripples. It tears. It lames. I suppose it doesn't really matter what action it takes... It only brings with it the fresh pain.
Seven months ago I was told my reality did not exist outside Erin's mind. A few months ago, I finally accepted that fact. The world of Alter itself I could live without. Granted, I loved Chicago... but I could do without the uncertainty of walking down the street. Some of the other "characters," like Honda or Eisel, I could do without. I miss Honda sometimes, she was the closest thing to an aunt I had, but really it doesn't bother me that she's gone. I can handle my whole world crashing down, literally... but then I remember him...
I think of his name and my throat closes up. I remember some of his mannerisms or accent and tears prick my eyes.
"Hey Morri, do you smell that?"
"Morri, was that a pothole? I swear there was cement there yesterday!"
"Can you describe that to me? I want to see with your eyes."
"Morri! Take off your shoes right here. This spot of grass is amazing."
He was so child-like, so full of wonder. He had never seen the United States with his own eyes, but he loved to describe what he thought it looked like. He would try to explain skyscrapers in the words of someone who had only seen a jungle. He was so amazing... and I treated him with such disdain for so long.
I traded his love for my indifference and hard-heartedness. No, I didn't act that was all the time; he wore down my hard heart after a while. But I never got the chance to tell him that I loved him in return. Sometimes I like to pretend like he knew but he just didn't tell me. But that thought would be smashed when I happened to catch a glimpse of an expression when he thought no one could see him... It was so melancholic... So pained... I knew that look. I knew what it meant... And I wish I had had the time to take it all away.
Yet at the same time, I am so glad I never got to tell him. How much worse would it have been if I had opened my heart to a mere figment of someone else's imagination? I had opened my heart up in secret, how much more damage would have been done if the love was not locked away? He was so open about how he felt. He would tell me he loved me. He told me he was waiting for me, but I made him wait too long.
He is gone now. I am left only with the pain in my heart and the scar that proves he once existed.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Psychiatrist Update
I had my psychiatrist appointment today. They didn't have a set appointment time available for me, so I had to show up at 8:30 and they'd work me in. Fortunately, I was able to see Morgan, the psychiatrist, very quickly.
I gave Morgan the packet I prepared about all of us and the different rooms and the pictures I had drawn of Guilt, Morrigan, and Little Erin. She said it was very, very helpful because now she can look over it without me right there and she know more of what's going on.
Her conclusion was that, while I had some symptoms of bipolar (6month cycles of high and low energy), DID does make the most sense. This isn't surprising to me, honestly, but it's good to hear that Roberta and I have been on the right track.
I've also been having to think about getting a new counselor that is closer to where I live... While it's irritating to start over with someone new, it is also good to have someone nearby for when stuff like this past Thursday/Friday happens. A closer counselor could have stopped by if they felt they needed to or whatever.
Morgan and I had briefly discussed the use of medication to make the voices of my alters go away... Which I decided long ago that if this was, in fact, DID, then I didn't want to use medication if I didn't have to. The idea of suppressing the voices of different parts of myself is nearly appalling. However, I was given a prescription for emergency use for when I get overwhelmed by what's going on in my mind. This way I can take that, calm down a bit, and wait to get into the clinic instead of going into the ER. It saves me a lot of money in the long (and short) run.
I gave Morgan the packet I prepared about all of us and the different rooms and the pictures I had drawn of Guilt, Morrigan, and Little Erin. She said it was very, very helpful because now she can look over it without me right there and she know more of what's going on.
Her conclusion was that, while I had some symptoms of bipolar (6month cycles of high and low energy), DID does make the most sense. This isn't surprising to me, honestly, but it's good to hear that Roberta and I have been on the right track.
I've also been having to think about getting a new counselor that is closer to where I live... While it's irritating to start over with someone new, it is also good to have someone nearby for when stuff like this past Thursday/Friday happens. A closer counselor could have stopped by if they felt they needed to or whatever.
Morgan and I had briefly discussed the use of medication to make the voices of my alters go away... Which I decided long ago that if this was, in fact, DID, then I didn't want to use medication if I didn't have to. The idea of suppressing the voices of different parts of myself is nearly appalling. However, I was given a prescription for emergency use for when I get overwhelmed by what's going on in my mind. This way I can take that, calm down a bit, and wait to get into the clinic instead of going into the ER. It saves me a lot of money in the long (and short) run.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Attention Readers -- Yomi
Due to events that I will soon have a post about, I have a psychiatrist appointment next Friday (hopefully). My counselor wants me to compile a folder with important information to explain what's going on inside my mind. I already have my own list of important things (names, description of places, copies of conversations, etc) but I have a request of you, my readers.
If you could contact me somehow, whether through email or Facebook or even face to face, and let me know what you all consider to be the helpful and important things to know, I would greatly appreciate it.
David, I have gotten your emails, and I am in the process of figuring out some of the points you brought up. Thank you for your input; I do appreciate it a lot.
If any of you could do me this grand favor, I would be so thankful.
If you could contact me somehow, whether through email or Facebook or even face to face, and let me know what you all consider to be the helpful and important things to know, I would greatly appreciate it.
David, I have gotten your emails, and I am in the process of figuring out some of the points you brought up. Thank you for your input; I do appreciate it a lot.
If any of you could do me this grand favor, I would be so thankful.
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