Read This First

We have moved to a different blog: We Choose Harmony

To see why, read this post: From Internal to External.

But feel free to read this blog for background information.

In October of 2010 Erin was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. This blog is to record what is going inside Erin's mind. We don't know what all that will entail... But we are hoping that keeping a record of it will help in some manner. We also hope that maybe, just maybe, that we'll heal from whatever issues that we have and come out victorious.

All personalities or identities within Erin are invited to write here; each entry will be marked with who is writing.

If you are a survivor yourself, there are no trigger warnings on the entries... Please be careful as you navigate this blog. If you are a significant other of someone with DID/MPD, our hope is that this blog may be of some use to you, but please remember that every person with DID is very unique and must be considered as their own case.

Thank you for visiting!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Maybe -- Morrigan

It's like a tearing loss, when you find out that someone you trusted implicitly is actually a figment of someone else's imagination. To think that someone so good and so true as Logan is just a phantom, a wish, a hope. I guess that's what happens when you begin to face reality. Not the reality that you think you know, but the true reality. The one that is more real than you thought could exist…

I keep demanding to enter that reality, but, in all honesty, it frightens me. The reality I am used to is only a shadow, so how can I anticipate what to expect? Granted, I've been observing, watching, waiting… But still, how can I anticipate how that reality will affect me? I have been preparing myself for that day, but, in the end, how can I know what to expect?

Will I be cold since I won't have fur? How strange will it be to walk among humans instead of Anthros? What will it be like to look in a mirror and not see a familiar face? Will I recognize myself? Will I be able to see me, Morrigan, in the face of a human? A face that is not my own?

What will it be like to be a inch or so taller? Will I have to adjust to a different equilibrium? Is Yomi's body in as good of shape as I am used to my own body being? Will I be able to run, jump, and fight like I am used to?

If I am honest with myself, I don't know what to think about it.

Then again, if I am honest with myself… There are much more important matters to be concerned about. This thing called Anguish… Why is it so overwhelming? Surely it is not just the loss of Logan that causes this. I know that Yomi spoke to me about the Anguish a while back, before I knew the truth about Logan. Surely there is something that was lost to all of us; to Erin. If I only knew what it was, maybe then I could do something about it. Maybe then I wouldn't sit and cry, helpless.

Maybe one day I will master these fears. Maybe one day I can stand on my own. Maybe one day I can face this thing called Reality and come out the victor. Maybe…

-- A note from Nickie, who is posting this on behalf of Yomi and Morrigan --

Morrigan manifested for the 2nd time Yomi (and I) know of at 11:42pm yesterday, December 14th. She stuck around until about 12:30 or so when she got tired and said that Yomi wanted to come back. We talked for a little bit off and on, but her reason for manifesting she said was to write this. When Yomi came back, she said that originally Morrigan had been dictating to her what Morrigan wanted to say, but then somewhere in there Morrigan slipped through the White Door and took over.

-- Nickie

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