Disclaimer -- Bloomer

In reading comments, I realized how misleading our blog can be since we don't talk about our external personal life. So I'd like to make a disclaimer and explain a few things.

This blog's purpose is about our internal world/structure and our journey to understand ourselves and our past. We have chosen not to disclose our external personal life unless it is relevant to the topic at hand.

That said, we do have friends; we are quite social as a whole, in fact. We have hobbies: video games (Tommi plays Oblivion IV for pc), reading (The Dresden Files by Jim Butcher, The Leviathan Series by Scott Westerfeld, to name a few), art (we are pursuing an art career, plus Ellie LOVES to color), math (well, mostly only I love math), and many other things.

Many nights we are out to the early hours of the morning with a few friends who know and are comfortable with us all. In fact, we love hanging out with friends at the local McDonald's because their lobby is open 24/7. Actually, Ellie and I have been lobbying the others to not stay out quite so late since we don't enjoy being tired in the mornings. They do a pretty good job of paying attention to how much they stay out and when Ellie and I have our allotted times outside.

We attend a local college trying to finish a general Associates Degree.

We're also trying to find things to do over the summer so we don't get bored and create more chaos inside, which tends to happen when Yomi is either bored or avoiding emotions. We have a few ideas. Yomi's considering joining a local community orchestra on flute. Tommi and I are trying to figure out how to volunteer/intern at a computer place. Ellie's wanting to overcome her phobia of swings so she can play on a playground. Tommi is also wanting to learn to do cosmetology stuff this summer; things like dying or cutting hair and doing make up and stuff. Morrigan hasn't figured out what she'd want to do for herself yet. Oh, and Tommi's doing a travelling journal type thing where he finds fascinating things in our area to do and writes about them.

All in all, we're fairly active. Which is one of the reasons why the previous post was at the beginning of December and now it's the end of the middle of January. Between then and now, we've visited Erin's relatives (who are all really cool people), celebrated Christmas, and are vaguely being a part of planning a sister's wedding (that's mostly Yomi's deal). I mean, we've done more, I just can't think of what.

We are also in individual therapy as well as group therapy (which is loosely based on Celebrate Recovery).

If you don't hear about our external life, it's not because it is non-existent. It's only because we don't wish to share it on this blog. However, our Google+ account has more of our external life if any readers are interested.

Thank you all.

-- Bloomer

United States of Tara -- Yomi Kitty

Hello all. Yeah, I've been back for a bit now; a few days before Thanksgiving (Nov 25) actually. Considering my situation, I think I'm doing alright. But that's not what I wanted to talk about on this particular post.

About a year ago, right after we were diagnosed with DID, I started watching a tv show called "The United States of Tara." I was absolutely fascinated. I identified with so many of Tara's issues so intimately that, at times, it felt like my life was being displayed on that show. Unfortunately, due to some triggers, I have not been able to watch it as much as I would like to. However, I do believe that it is an important step for those of us with DID. It gets the word out. It makes it less scary to those who do not have it.

The International Society for the Study of Trama and Dissociation (ISST-D) released an article and video regarding DID and "The United States of Tara," entitled after the tv show [link]. I feel that it is by far an article worth reading. The video, while long, is highly informative interview with Dr Kluft (prominent expert on DID) about people with DID and misconceptions people tend to have about us.

For those of you who actually watched the video, Dr Kluft advocates integration, the merging of alters into a unified person. There is also another treatment goal which I, and others, call "Harmony," which is the idea of living a full life with one another without full integration. This is Erin's goal. Many of us within have fought very hard to gain our identity, myself included, and we do not wish to merely fade within another person. However, also within us are alters who do wish to integrate (NightFall, for one) and we are also honoring their wishes and helping them with their goals. In the end, we wish to learn to live with one another as best we can, like a family.

I would also like to point out that Erin also has alters similar to the ones in "The United States of Tara." Blissy is similar to the perfect one. Grace "Guilt" is/was similar to the flamboyant teen, but she's been taking great strides to change herself for the better. However, I'm not overly sure who would be similar to the "strong, silent male" type that Dr Kluft was talking about, I have a few ideas, but none of the males inside really carry that role.

If anyone has any questions, please feel free to ask them.

-- Yomi Kitty

Promises -- Guilt

Promises

Last week, our counselor gave us some homework that, I believe, was one of the most important things we could have ever done. She had us write down every thing we wanted. No, that's not a typo, there is supposed to be a space there between Every and Thing. She had us write down small things, big things, minuscule inklings, gigantic dreams, materialistic things, immaterial goals. Every thing we wanted out of our individual lives. And we all (for the most part) did.

I recently have been undergoing a lot of changes, which are not apparent to you blog readers, but I am significantly different than I was even a few weeks ago.

I've stopped living in Alter, which had been my main form of release (stress, etc). That made me want to have fun out here... But that isn't safe for us at all; plus the area in which we live is so rural that I can't find any decent place for dancing. I'm like in hillbilly hell or something.

Again, I know this isn't apparent to anyone who reads this, but there is something I deem more important than anything else, and that's keeping promises. If I say the words "I promise" you can stake your life that it will get done.

This is where our wants and desires come into play. It's finally gotten through my head that in order for me to live a fun life full of freedom and joy, I have to help the others more than I have been. I have to let go of my wild life I used to have, no matter how much I might miss it. And so I made promises to everyone within that I would never put us in situations that are dangerous or frightening, which makes me sad, but I know it's for the best.

And I finally figured out how to describe what it's like going from a wild nightlife to one of responsibility. First of all, this really sucks. But second, it's like going through withdrawals. I've been scrambling around the house looking for good quality chocolate (every girl should know what that means) and trying to distract myself from getting dressed up and walking out the door. It helps that the car is currently broken, but I know I could walk somewhere.

I want to go out and do many things. I want to go get drunk. I want to go dancing. I want to go home with a man or a woman. I want to have fun as defined by me.

But what am I doing?

Before writing this, I was curled up on the couch (on a Friday night) choking back tears from the intense desire to do things I promised to not do. I was watching a chick flick for heavens sake! ("27 Dresses" if anyone is interested). I feel like a drug addict, maybe not to quite that same degree (I've never been on drugs, so I don't know). It's a battle of will. I know I will not lose, for I am strong. But the battle itself is miserable and I hate it with every fiber of myself.

Yet at the same time, I know that I am saving us. I am saving us from fear. Saving us from being used. Saving us from potential diseases. Saving us from anything that could go wrong.

But most of all, I am saving us from

Guilt

And with every passing moment, I am slowly beginning to live up to my given name:

Grace

Happy Birthday Morrigan & Jihan -- Tommi

Today is Morrigan and Jihan Portalis' birthday. We didn't do anything special really, but we have a friend who wants to help us celebrate all our birthdays, so there may be a party in the works or something.

Morrigan came back a little over a week ago (I think) and Yomi actually came back yesterday. Only Sader is missing now and I don't know when NightFall has her return planned.

In any case, here's a picture of the birthday twins.

NightFall -- Sierra Lime

To explain what has happened, I must start off explaining what happened to Morrigan and Yomi, both of whom have been found, although they have not returned just yet.

Back in August, Morrigan and Yomi were working on old, painful memories. However, the reason they were taken away was to protect them from some things that were coming. Guilt, one of Yomi's protectors, and Jihan, Morrigan's protector, both decided that some people in their lives were going to hurt Yomi and Morrigan too much, so they took them away. The idea was that Tommi, Bloomer, and Ellie would process the events first then would be able to help Yomi and Morrigan with the shock and pain of it all.

However, this triggered someone to wake up who had been dormant for quite some time. She did not have a name, but when Ellie asked for one, she named herself "NightFall." NightFall is part of our subconscious who was given a direct order from Horsie all those years ago to keep our memories, pain, and fears of the man at the playground secret at all costs. Her name comes from the fact that she can only do her job when night falls.

Realizing that memories from the past had been uncovered and would continue to be uncovered, NightFall thought up a plan to reset everyone's memories back to when we did not know about our diagnosis, which involved placing people back in the world of Alter or into a deep slumber. This would have been a flawless plan, except NightFall underestimated the support system we have built and the strength Ellie has within herself.

NightFall took Yomi and Morrigan from Guilt and Jihan and placed them in something I can only describe as a transparent, purple bubble. It caused them to go to sleep. Then, to take care of Sader and Tommi, NightFall scared Sader to lure Tommi into the Black Room and she placed them both in Bubbles. She joined forces with Chaos, who was trying to throw everyone into disorder, and she convinced him to try to keep Ellie out of the Black Room to keep her in the dark about what was going on.

But Ellie kept hearing the thoughts of those within the bubbles. She kept feeling flashes of peoples' feelings or seeing flashes of images of the Black Room, and she drew them. NightFall kept needing to come out here so she could do things more efficiently, and Ellie noticed and remembered even though NightFall would try to make her forget. Finally, Ellie started feeling like something awful was about to happen, and she told our therapist, who took her very seriously.

Our therapist, Cris, did the one thing that changed everything: she got Ellie to understand her authority within the system. Ellie is the only direct split from the Original Erin. This means that she has the most power (in authoritative terms) over everyone inside, especially over a part of the subconscious that is not a full personality. With this knowledge in hand, Ellie ordered NightFall to speak with Cris even though it was daytime and then ordered NightFall to assist Cris with our efforts to heal ourselves.

The first goal NightFall was given was to bring Tommi back before Halloween, which was done. The next goal is to bring Morrigan back before her birthday, November 18th, and Yomi back before Thanksgiving, November 24th. So far, NightFall has been compliant, though reluctantly. However, she can not disobey the order from Ellie, so she will do it.

I took Ginko and Rachel away because I felt disorder and chaos coming and I did not want them caught up in the middle of it all. They are safely hidden and will come back when it is safe for them, which should be after Morrigan and Yomi come back. When I felt the shift from disorder to order, I came back to find out what was happening. Since then, I have made an agreement with Cris to assist her as well by keeping track of how everyone is doing and letting her know.

We are still unsure as to the whereabouts of Bloomer, though Guilt told Cris that he was taken in order for Chaos to release Sader from her slumber. This does not make much sense to me, but hopefully in time we will be able to make sense of it and bring him back as well. However, our priority is bringing Morrigan and Yomi.

I believe this is all for now. We will try to keep updating as things happen, but sometimes it is hard to remember.

-- Sierra Lime