From Internal to External -- Morrigan

This will possibly be the last post on this blog. Don't worry, nothing dreadful is happening. Several of us realized that what this blog was intended for is now obsolete. We understand our internal structure for the most part. There are still a many areas of the Black Room that have yet to be explored, however, we do not have the overwhelming need to explain it here any more.

Instead, we have a different blog We Choose Harmony, whose purpose is to write out what is currently happening in our external world. Our hope is that by blogging through some of our struggles as well as our joys and break throughs, it will cause us to be more intentional about attaining our goal: Learning to work together as we strive for a healthy and awesome life.

I know that Harmony may include some of us to Integrate. At first, those of us who see this as dying were completely opposed. However, after listening to Naomi talk about how she feels like half of a whole without Yomi, we are beginning to understand that maybe integration can be a good thing too. We are coming to accept the idea that, for some of us, healing brings integration... Or maybe it's that integration brings healing. Regardless of how it actually works, it's not something we are terrified of anymore.

Also, I know that many of the struggles we face are common to every person, not just those with mental disorders. Tommi and I currently struggling with how to exert authority in a management type role while still maintaining the values of caring and sensitivity that we come to live by. We cannot possibly be the only ones who have had to wrap their minds around the concept.

Finally, to the fantastic writer on our Guest Book:

I hope this new blog clears some things up about the reality of our life. Looking back, I think we were a bit too absorbed by what was happening internally. We've done a lot of growing up lately and we are healthier than we have been in a long time. Thank you so much for bringing your concerns to us. It might have taken us about a year and a half to understand what you were trying to point out, but I think we see it now.

Thanks again to all of you readers who have been following this blog,

Morrigan

New Thins, Many Difrent Now. -- Ellie

Ims sory ifs the way I tipe is hard to reads. But peopl is sleepin. An it wuld tak lots longr to tipe thins out rigth.

We is stil workin at the factry that Grace talkd bout in the last blog post. We is doin great ther. Tonigth, Morrigan traned peple to do one of the spots she knos real well. We taked a test to see how muchs we kno and we got verry verry good job on it. Morrigan says ther is no reson why we won be hired on withs the factry wens usns contrakt with the temprary agenci is done. This job is gonna get rid of usns debts we hav ifs we can stay with the factry for least 2 year. Then Morrigan says we is gonna travel aaaaaallllll ovirs. Ims cited bout it! I knos it mean I no gonna see my Mommy muchs, but I thinks it gonna be fun! Specially sinc Morrigans says we wills com bak for Chrismas an othir big things. 

One thin that is reeaaallly reallly really big and difrent, me an Tommi an Grace an Bloomer all talkd it ovir an decide that we wans Morrigan to be our Main. A Main is the one who livs life most, they is the persin out front most ofs the time. They is in charge of how usns life goes. Usns leader an the one who gets decid what we do an don do. Morrigans was verrrry verrrry no happy we decid this... She thins it was cuz it no be part of the Harmony plan we hav, but I do no see poblem withs this tall. It taked her a whiles to get usd to bein Main... Tommi an Grace an Bloomer an I didn really gives her choic to no be Main... She was mad bout that. But now she is takin it an runnin wit it. She makin all kinds of big plans for usns life. Plans that usns Counsler an Mommy are sayin are good plans an thins we can an should do. 

We is so hapy. Hapir than we havs been in firever. My heart is quite now. Ims no mor heartsik for nobdy now. Evin tho I was heartsik cuz of Morrigans' heartsik, she is no feelin heartsik no more ether. She is figrin out why she heartsik and is doin stuffs bout it to tak care of herself. Ims so prod of my Morrigan, my Horsie. She is butiful and magestic. 

One no good thin bout usns job is tha we can no go to scool.. leas we don thins we can rigt now. No cuz money but cuz time. But Morrigan is workin on gettin free Filpino Figthing Stick trainin from usns friend. Hes real nice man; he don scare me tall. He lets me play withs his daghter who is my age. An he knos bout usns, we thins... we no so sure. but he knos we have PTSD an stuf an he asks qkestions lik What is your triggers? He do no wans to skare usns, he wans to teachs usns. We have a verry verry good frind, Zeo, seys that he knos this guy for long wile an knos he is trusworthy. My heart seyes that this man is lik a calm breeze trhrogh the trees on a comfy spring day. My heart seys hes a good man. My heart has no been rong many times. 

Morrigan an Bloomer is also workin on learnin Japanese. We is alos Crowchiting like is no bodys bisnes. An we is hapy cuz we can finly gets to help frinds whens they needs it! We finly can do somthin othier than jus listnin. It maks usns so verry hapy.

That is wat life is now: Verry Hapy.

-- Little "Ellie" Erin

Tis the Season... of Change -- Grace

The past few weeks have been full of new changes.

Morrigan took my (Grace's) words from the last post to heart and actually solved the major stumbling block she was having, which involved telling her best friend a few things about herself that she thought would change everything... Turns out, her fears were unfounded and things on that front have changed very little, which, in this case, is a very good thing indeed. She has taken great strides toward not hiding herself completely; I am quite proud of her.

We have had little time to work with Shiloh and Marie... Mostly due to the fact that we have been hired on with a job agency and we are now working 50 hours a week at a local factory. It's a major change, especially since we are working 2nd shift (5pm-3:30am). It's hard work, but we've found it very enjoyable. We like our co-workers a lot and the actual tasks are not that difficult, merely repetitive. Our feet are killing us. One of our co-workers said during his first week he felt like there were pieces of glass in his feet, which is pretty accurate. Our counselor is concerned that we're working too much, but we thought it over (and sought out the opinion of our mom) and realized that this is a "genuine adult effort to get ahead in life" (quote from one of our supervisors). One of our main goals is to become independent: buy a car, rent an apartment, pay off student loans, buy stuff we want. This job will allow us to do so, at the cost of not having much free time in the immediate future. Morrigan, Tommi, and I are so excited about what lies ahead of us now that we have a means to gain our independence.

Well, now that I think about it, there hasn't been that many changes, but the ones that have happened seem quite large.

On a different note, I want to mention a few other things. I want to point out that when Erin was first diagnosed with DID, Erin, as a whole, was alone, angry, chaotic, extremely depressed, miserable, and unstable. And now? We have family and friends who genuinely care and love us unapologetically. We have managed to learn to work together in such a way that has created some stability (we are not at all claiming that we are completely stable; we just know that we are more stable now than we have been in a long time). And, what I think is one of the most important things, those of us who are active in living outside, we are happy. We are happy, confident, and unabashedly ourselves. I think that's a miracle if I ever saw one. 

One and Only -- Grace

"A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself-and especially to feel, or not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at any moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is. Most people love you for who you pretend to be. To keep their love, you keep pretending - performing. You get to love your pretense. It's true, we're locked in an image, an act - and the sad thing is, people get so used to their image, they grow attached to their masks. They love their chains. They forget all about who they really are. And if you try to remind them, they hate you for it, they feel like you're trying to steal their most precious possession.”

-- Jim Morrison

Exclusive. Lone. Individual. Unique. Special. Uncommon. Single. Rare. Peerless. Matchless. Unparalleled. Treasure

That is what every individual identity is across the world. Not just those of us within Erin. But those within you, your neighbor, your brother, your sister, you friends, your teachers, your parents. Every identity you come across is one of a kind; you won't be able to find someone precisely like them. 

It's because of this that some of the things we do piss me off to no end. Erin as a whole is unique; not because of our DID, but because Erin is an individual human being. Within Erin we have separate identities, each of which is also unique. We each have different backgrounds, experiences, fears, dreams, tastes. 

Bloomer loves bots and mecha. Ellie loves My Little Pony and fish sticks (funny story in that, actually). Tommi loves coffee and Fringe. Naomi loves fantasy RPGs and Mara: Daughter of the Nile. Marie will soon be on her way to figuring out what she likes and dislikes. I, personally, love listening to the stories the others read.

And then we come to Morrigan (yes, this post is mostly about my views on her, and, in many ways, it is directed towards her). She loves Lie To Me and mock-fighting. She has impressed me with her abilities of leadership and compassion for identities within and without. Morrigan is so careful to take everyone's opinions and include them in her decisions and actions. She knows how to weigh priorities and sort through the little things to find what is really important. Morrigan is so talented. She's a great singer. Wonderful friend. Compassionate leader. She is everything we could ask for and want... And I wish to share her with the world because she has so much to offer. 

I'm not saying that I want her to stretch herself to the limit to give everything to everyone. She often tells those of us within that she "is not superwoman." I merely want people around us to see what a beautiful identity she really has become. She loves people so intensely, yet she constantly hides herself. Time and time again, I watch as she quietly holds out the basic front we consider to be Erin. Morrigan puts up barriers thinking that people don't want to see her, that they don't want to listen to her. The most obvious symptom of this is the way she hides her voice.

I understand how difficult is is for some of us to explain away the way we talk. Ellie, for example, is afraid of people not understanding why her voice is so tiny, so she hides it when those who don't know about our multiple identities are around. This is completely justifiable and it's a much needed precaution many times. However, Ellie knows that, when she is around those who know, she can drop the front and be herself in all her adorable glory. I, myself, have to pay attention to how I talk so I don't swear so much, as people are not used to Erin cussing. I had to restrain myself earlier tonight talking with our mom because I know she really dislikes swearing and I respect her immensely.

So I understand that Morrigan conceals her accent when she is at school, where the mass majority of people have no clue about our multiplicity. This makes sense: it avoids difficult or awkward questions and it protects us from people who may be afraid and treat us differently. This is what I simply cannot understand: Why is it so damn hard for Morrigan to be her accented self when around her closest of friends? She has so few that she calls her close friends, yet she is afraid that her accent is going to somehow scare them off. We have told them about our DID; some of them have seen the negative effects of being a multiple. None of those who she has trusted has decided it is too much, and, yet, she thinks her accent, something that is relatively minor, will be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

Morrigan has told me before that when she conceals her accent, she feels as though she is a bold-faced liar. She is so concerned with being herself, just like every other identity with Erin. She struggles with it alongside the rest of us. There is a dichotomy within us: how do we be our individual selves yet present a cohesive whole to the general public? I fear that she has taken our cohesiveness too personally.

Yes, I have spoken at length with Morrigan about this. Yes, she understands and agrees with my concerns. She also is actively struggling with how to remedy the situation.

I wish there was some way I help her more. Support her more as she has supported the rest of us. Tommi and I have tried to bolster her courage by lending her confidence. She has prayed to her God at length and has petitioned Him many times. I, honestly, have half a mind to just talk to those who she is afraid of scaring off and proving to her that they are far more hardy and loyal than she is currently realizing.

However, I know one day she will have the courage to be the gorgeous, shining, sensational individual that is within her. I see it smoldering in her heart like embers begging for a breath of air. She'll get there, but my greatest fear is that, for a few of her current friends, eventually may be too late.

-- Grace

Losing Time -- Morrigan

One of the traits/effects of DID is that the affected person tends to have gaps in time for which they cannot account. It has been a long time since we have dealt with that specific issue, due to the fact that we have a rather sophisticated communication system in place. In fact it has been at least a year and a half since we have had to deal with this specifically. And even then it didn't bother us too much because we generally knew who had been out and for how long. So even though we could not say what we had did, we at least could figure it out due to the usual behavior patterns of the person who was out at the time.

And now? We are losing time. With no explanation. With no idea who was out at the time. And sometimes it's even difficult to figure out what length of time we have missed, since we can't specifically point to when the lost time started. Definitively, there have been two distinct periods of time we have lost within the past few weeks.

The first time started (we think) just after Tommi finished washing dishes. Then the next thing we know, we are sitting in our room, in the dark, while eating peanut butter off a spoon.

The second time, I (Morrigan) was playing solitaire on our computer. The next thing we know, we woke up the next morning in bed. We later found a 13 minute video on our computer which was recorded by Marie and Shiloh. That only accounts for 13 minutes out of the possible hours they could have been out.

On top of that, we are losing the ability to keep track of time within the White Room. It used to be easy to know what time it was, but ever since we have untangled, it has gotten harder and harder. This normally wouldn't be an issue, except it's affecting our relationships with various people.

When I came out today, I could have sworn it was still Thursday or Friday evening (it doesn't help that one of our weekly "landmarks" has been switched from Thursdays to Fridays). Instead it its Saturday evening. Which, again, wouldn't be too much of an issue had I not promised to reply to a friend's message a day or so ago (I cannot remember what day I promised to do this, which frustrates the hell out of me). I know what general activities we have done, such as letting Ellie play and babysitting for a neighbor, but the timeline is all screwed up.

What is going on? Why are we going through this phase, for I really hope this is a phase... I know from past experience that we have a period of calm and then one of chaotic happenings. Things have been relatively calm over the summer and for most of the Fall semester (minus the mash-up, which was confusing, but still less chaotic than other things that have happened). Perhaps this is our next period of chaos? Random switching, gaps of lost time, inability to keep track of time...

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To whomever it is stealing time, just talk to us; let us know what is going on. We want to share our life with you, not keep you locked away from being out. We want to live in harmony with you. So help us help you.

-- Morrigan