(Myself, November 35, 2011)
I went to the CR group tonight. I feel as though I've been going crazy lately, so I thought it might help a little; I wish I had been right. The state in which I walked away from the meeting was far worse than the state that I walked in with, which is unusual for us. Usually the topic gives us things to think over and helps us at some point in time, but not tonight.
The night's topic was self-destructive behaviors. It resounded so clearly with all the pent up feelings I've been having lately. Feelings of intense restlessness, sexual needs, the desire to socialize in a club-type environment... and much more that I can not explain clearly enough.
Something that people don't exactly realize is that the life I led in the world of Alter was perfectly suited to taking care of those needs. I led a life of uncertain luxury. I had risen through the ranks of society, not because of money, but on the sheer reputation of being an exciting person to be around. I didn't have to be in a city long to be able to find the best clubs, the up-and-coming artists/bands, restaurants on the verge of popularity, and generally the best places in the city to be at any given time. (If, at this point you're wondering how this fits in with the hacker story... I used my position to gain access to information in order to siphon off funds . I was rarely caught.)
On top of that, by Alter's standards, I'm drop dead gorgeous. From what I understand, I'd still be beautiful here. I am a small person with naturally curly, fiery hair and emerald eyes amid a generous spattering of freckles. I had idealistic beauty according to rich society. Life was easy to get by in, because, as soon as one "Benefactor" grew tired of me, there was always another only minutes away. Sometimes, I would move to a new city when I grew tired of the old one.
So I went from that life of excitement... and moved to one of utter moronic boredom.
In many ways, I don't mind. It marks a new part of life and I am determined to embrace it... But the withdrawal symptoms... Restlessness... Needs... Desires... Wants... All of which are considered "dangerous" or "frightening" to act upon by many of the others inside, which means I cannot take care of them in the ways that I am accustomed.
So I find new ways... Where do I look? What is there in this god-forsaken place? I've looked at the things available in this area and it's all about antiques, guns, wineries/vineyards, bed & breakfasts, and lots and lots of hiking trails... I would love to go to a winery, but, between medication lack of funds, I can't go.
Lack of funds is a huge problem. I haven't had to think about it in a long time. Suddenly not able to go where I want, when I want. It's strange. The next town over has a very happening bar scene as well as a music scene, but Morrigan and Tommi have told me to stay away from bars and we haven't the funds to go to shows anyway.
I feel stuck in so many ways. I desperately want to keep my promises... But the longer that I cannot take care of my needs, the more they build up and create a pressure that drives me insane. I've felt it building for quite a while now and I'm becoming afraid that I'm going to blow up.
And the scariest thing, I don't even know what it will look like on this side of reality.
So I have no way to protect the others from myself except to keep shoving the feelings away...
But that causes more pressure...
And the fuse is getting shorter...
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boom
